Month: April 2006

Yeah, that wonderful little adjective describing ones drive or enthusiasm for the stuff of life. Well, right now I have a lot to do, but I don’t have much motivation to do it, yet it is stuff that is bugging me, things like cleaning my room, doing my laundry, cleaning my desk, making phone calls, etc. All of these things are not all that bad in and of themselves, yet, when I’ve been in 40 hours worth of meetings in the course of five days, my motivation lacks. However, these past five days have been amazing, absolutely great and I wouldn’t have made a different decision, I just wish I had done the laundry before I left for a three day retreat… I out of clothes… not fun.

I really want to get back into regular blogging, I really enjoy it, yet that motivation factor plays in. This motivation thing is not new either… With my brain constantly being injected with information, emotions, and excitement, the words just do not seem to explain it all. However, I am confident that some day it will come back, and once again the fish will be fed.

The small group that Alexis and I are involved in right now is going through a series called “Wounded by Shame healed by Grace”; it is a wonderful group “counseling” (for lack of a better term) series. Currently we are just on week two, and the main concepts discussed have been performance driven shame, and guilt verses shame. It has been quite eye opening and I just can’t wait to see what else God will reveal to me, Alexis, and our relationship together.

For myself I have noticed that much of the things I have done, and still some of the things I do to this day have been driven by performance, albeit not consciously. I remember a number of times saying “yes” to something simply because someone of “importance” asked me to do it, which must have meant that “they liked me” therefore if I do a good job on this task I will be “better” in their eyes, and in me. This is just not true, I am who I am because of what God says I am, not anyone else. Performance is really simply self-focus, it’s saying “what I do, is what makes me” it doesn’t allow for God to make me into who He wants me. This is shame because I became ashamed for not “meeting the standard”, not “pleasing the person”, or a number of other things. Shame based performance happens a lot with people, usually it comes in the form of performance love, “if you do this thing, or please me well enough you’ll get a treat (love), but if you don’t than you are punished.” This is different than actually disobeying an agreed/understood upon consequence to something. This kind of performance-love plays out in families all too often, instead of separating the behavior or task from the person, the ability to do a task or behavior reflects onto the person’s being. What a person does, and who a person is should never be equated.

That’s my little rant, and my little journey into some deeper stuff. I am not perfect, and I know that I say things that shame people, but I want to be held accountable, and for people to call me on these things.

Lord God, I pray that you continue to open my eyes to your wisdom in giving and receiving grace. Your amazing grace isn’t called amazing for no reason. It is amazing because no matter the circumstance, no matter the issue at hand, I am covered by your grace. Lord help to live in your grace and not the judgments of others, nor to be motivated by other people’s thoughts, judgments, or shame. Thank you, in Jesus’ name. AMEN.

We are having a 24-7 prayer time here in Gresham, as an Intern with the church here we help facilitate the environment and keep prayer going every hour for seven days. Eventually we want to have a “boiler” room where we will have prayer 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and 365 days a year. However, this is the beginning, and it has been a great success! The Lord is doing some amazing things in people’s lives. It has been awesome to pray with some of the general public that walk in when they see the banner up outside.

As for me, this time has been a good time to focus my prayers, and renew some of the commitments I have made to the Lord these past few years. As our wedding date comes closer I realize that God has been moving in my life in very subtle, yet significant ways. I’ve realized that over the past ten months or so it has been so easy to “access” God’s presence, in a way, I no longer need to run to Him because I know that I am always with Him and he is always with me. Even during the midst of trouble, confusion, and frustration, I am able to allow His spirit to calm me down and for His wisdom and knowledge to guide me instead of my fleshly instincts and logic.

Thank you Lord, for your spirit of wisdom and knowledge, thank you for your love, and for your mercy. Father I pray for more of pure desire, to be pure in my thoughts, my actions, and in my love towards Alexis. Father protect Alexis and all the of the women at the retreat this weekend, bless them with your comfort, and your heart-desires. May they become aware of the authority you have given them, may they be blessed with your truth. May YOU be the center of their being. In Jesus’ name, I pray – Amen.