Month: April 2009
This week’s thoughts.
- Preparing for the next rush – and thanking God for it all. #
- A very long day… is over. #
- Having a relaxing eveninng! #
- is on a freezing train – the old Max cars barely have AC/heat #
- Just tired. #
- At the gate in PDX awaiting to board to LA #
- In LA – let the games begin. #
- Training is going very well! We’re having fun, learning a lot, and very encouraged. #
- Is so encouraged to hear the wonderful stories of other missionaries, and excited to get this ship to Poland going. #
Los Angeles
Alexis, Emma, and I are in Los Angeles for a missionary training intensive with Foursquare – it has really been an amazing time and we are excited for what God has in store for us in the future. We’ve been here since last Wednesday and don’t leave until next Sunday. My parents are with us to watch Emma while we are in training sessions from 8am to 6pm each day, and that has been an incredible blessing for us. Today we get to visit Foursquare first church – Angelus Temple, and that should be a pretty cool experience.
Some great things have happened here, we’re excited to see what God has in store and most of all we’re excited to get this ship to Poland sailing – right now the ship is docked preparing to sail.
I’ll continue my sexuality series when we return to Portland – there just isn’t enough time while we are here. Maybe I’ll surprise myself… you can pray for me, I’ve had a sore throat each morning, and it pretty much goes away by the end of the day but I think it’s contributing to me being tired… Thanks!
My “sex talk” meets Jesus
By the way I’m still following Josh’s series – awesome stuff still going on over there… Visit the latest entry.
After endearing years of sexual confusion, and misidentification, God would use one of the few heterosexual attractions in my life to lead me to Him. This young lady that I had a crush on, had an encounter with God in 1998, and all throughout my Junior year in high school I would be invited to Church – never taking the invitation seriously. However, in spring of 1999 I decided to attend a service, only to find out that she had a boyfriend…
The message that day was about grace – and that we were free to receive it at anytime… it hit a spot inside me, I wasn’t sure why, but it did. I imagine that the years of confusion, the struggles with my sexuality, and the deepest parts of me wanted to be free of the things that I knew deep down were not right. Later that year, in the summer, I would be caught up in God’s full grace and have a heart knowledge awareness of it – during the song “Step by step” I could not stop myself from agreeing with the lyrics – I decided that day to let him lead my way – although I had no idea what that would mean.
Did I stop feeling homosexual desires? – No. Did I stop masturbating? – No. Did I understand His grace – No… do I understand it today? – Nope.
What I experienced that day though was the mystery of God – that his grace is unending, that even when I make the conscience decision to disobey, to walkout a fantasy, His grace takes me to a new level of love that only God himself provides. In these past ten years, I have received grace beyond any understanding. Each time I fall, I fall harder into His love, and deeper into Him.
My sexuality is deeply connected to who God is to me, it is the core of where he dwells for me, and it is out of this wound, this past, which much of who I am today comes from. He has redeemed it, to be the instrument in which He uses me to speak from, to live from, and yet it is still the thorn in my side. The marriage bed has been incredibly healing and incredibly frustrating – that’s my next installment.
This week’s thoughts.
- blech – I’m so tired – coffee is working but doesn’t feel good. Will prolly work through the night. #
- gotta press through, gotta press through. #
- Okay off to bed – did the weekend work plus finished half of Monday’s work ahead of schedule. Good night! #
- Loving the sun – and feeling good inspite of craziness. #
- spinning 2 dozen plates at once… oh the JOY! #
- is excited that Easter is almost here, and that “THE DOOR” will unlock! http://www.whatisthedoor.com. #
- is excited that Easter is almost here, and that “THE DOOR” will unlock! http://www.whatisthedoor.com. #
- is excited for Emma’s first birthday! #
- The Forge tonight: East Hill Church: Office Complex South! 7pm #
- The Door: East Hill Church: http://www.whatisthedoor.com #
Sexaholism…Another one from the tracks
Some more thoughts from my commute home, I’ll fix up the post from a computer later.
Ever since the tent incident, I have struggled with the desire for sexual pleasure outside of marriage. Learning about this kind of “on-demand” pleasure set me up for much confusion, some of which continues to this day. For me the pleasure was escape, escape from the constant voice that said I was not important, not cool, and not needed. However, as I turned to masturbation and lived from fantasy to fantasy I just could not get the same level of pleasure.
I began using the Internet for playing out all kinds of fantasies. The “friend” from the tent also would use fantasy ideas on me, and I would unwillingly allow it to happen. Overtime I found myself hating and desiring all of it. I questioned my sexual orientation for years, with my heart desiring women and my flesh desiring the fantasies.
From 12 years old to 20, I never told a single soul of my struggles nor of the events that took place. I felt trapped. Around the age of 15, the “friend” finally disappeared from my life and I thank God that I never actually tried to live out any of the fantasies or pursue anything with anyone else.
So how would I get to the place that I am today? It all started 10 years ago… but I’ll have to write that tomorrow – Next stop: Gresham City Hall, one more stop to go.
In the beginning -there was sex and more
So I was debating on writing today, but seeing as I am on the Max that had a 10 min delay due to mechanical issues on the train ahead of us – I’ll write something. I am writing this from my phone and so expect some grammar and spelling issues.
Following up on yesterday’s post, I want to go deeper into the “why” behind my first feelings. Why did I feel shame and guilt at this first sexual experience? Why would that happen?
I have often thought about this because I did not grow up in a strict Christian household. Nonetheless, sex simply wasn’t talked about and most of what I had learned up to that point was all scholastic, simply informational “sex education” as the State of Washington had required. Some of my feelings I believe were culturally ingrained, small town, some of it just ignorance, and the rest natural.
Even before I had any kind of tangible relationship with God, I had an awareness of Him. I remember that first sexual encounter as feeling overall wrong. I believe it was God’s small voice and the fact that it didn’t feel natural, but/and all at the same time it was very natural. So why all this confusion? Because the pleasure was natural and good, but the relationship was wrong. God made me, and all of us, so much more than just someone’s personal pleasure-servant.
Because deep down I wanted to be accepted by my peers, my “friends”, I would do whatever for this. I would lie just to save face, and I would do things, and participate in things that I perceived as a way to gain acceptance. The events that took place in that tent were only the beginning of nearly 5 years of sexual encounters with the same friend. I never felt right about it, but always desired it. I hated it and wanted it. This “friend” would constantly ask me to do new things, always for him, and always denying me outside of the events.
Then one day, about 4 and a half years into this, it happened – he completely rejected me calling me gay, unwanted, and threatening to use it as blackmail if I ever said anything. But then a month later he “invited” me to a lakefront cabin.
Adam and Eve had sex, fully aware of God’s presence… This is the significant difference that I am now rebuilding into my sexuality. It has taken over a decade of processing to even begin to feel sexually at peace.
Where to begin with sex
I have been following Josh’s blog series on Sex and have fully enjoyed every word written. When it comes to the ideas revolving around human sexuality I have so many places I could go with it. As many things in my life these days it is hard to know where to start, as nothing anymore is black and white. So, I decided to start with the most logical beginning I could think of – a chorographical story of my sex life. I’ll spring into different sub-topics as we walk along the path.
The following is simply my own personal observations, experiences, and feelings at the time of the said events. Some of the events may be described in details that some may find offensive, I include them so the depth of reality can be reached. Because sexuality can have so many connotations, both inside and outside the American Christian culture I simply ask just one thing of my readers, don’t add nor subtract from my words. If something doesn’t make sense or you want clarification – all you need to do is ask – don’t assume, presume, nor fill in the blanks. I will be writing in small chunks for the short attention span readers out there.
My first experience with sexuality came around the age of 12, in a tent in the backyard of a friend’s house. This friend was a couple of years older than I was, I remember him asking me “Do you masturbate”… I think I said yes, only because I had heard of it, but didn’t really know what it was. He proceeded to undress himself and ask me to give him a “hand job” – which I had no idea what he meant, I think he thought I was afraid or something and so instead, he grabbed my hand, and said “like this” and proceeded to demonstrate what he wanted me to do to him. I distinctly remember having this feeling of utter, guilt, confusion, fear, and curiosity all at the same time. After he was satisfied, he then proceeded to “help” me experience my first orgasm by way of a hand job as well. The whole incident laid the groundwork for my sex life. At the time, I was not sure why I felt what I felt, there were strong feelings, both good and bad, there was shame, and there was pleasure.
The feelings I associated that day I believe stem from my ignorance at the time (not having sexual advice, ideas, nor values passed down to me) and from my own insecurity as a pre-teen that put all my identity into what other’s thought of me. More on those last two points later on, for now we can just dwell on this first sexual encounter and mull over those thoughts.