Feeling disorganized

I hate feeling disorganized, out of sorts, disconnected, or any number of feelings along those lines. Recently I have felt like my thoughts are incomplete, not quite what I wanted, and mostly just ramblings. I feel things, but I can’t express them – but then when I try, it’s just sorta anti-climatic…

It’s probably my own expectations not being met… on myself… that’s a fun one. Now that I think about it, these feelings are all too familiar… insecurity… man I hate that, it’s humbling.  But the more I think about it, and the more I hunt out the crap and lies and realize the truth, the more I don’t have to deal with these feelings and live life as I should – a life-infused follower of Jesus, with nothing to fear because I have never-ending life!

I like ideals, I live by them, and many times it’s these same ideals that get me so frustrated, but I know that if I continue to have faith in the giver of these ideals (of which they are all based on living out my values, which are based on being a child of God) then I will see the harvest.  It’s a lot of patience, and so often I feel it’s fruitless and won’t change anything, but I know deep down it will change and it will make a significant difference – even when many around me don’t think so.

I can’t give up, I won’t, not because I think there’s a bigger prize… but because I know living this way is far better than not having hope.  Even when it’s hard to get out, hard to explain, or just isn’t received with the excitement I would like (also read, as, met with a matching excitement, yes I too like to feel validated).

Happiness…

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Last night I had dinner with a friend of mine and the topic of “what makes you happy” came up… Well there’s a lot of “things” that make me happy… but many times I discount them as “superficial”, unimportant to the goals I have set out in life. They are little things, like having a nice drink anytime I want, getting “frou frou” coffees whenever, going out with my wife whenever, buying new clothes… all things that take money, which we seem to never have enough of.

Of course, with enough money, I can be as happy as I want, right?  Well, not really, because there really are only a few things that make me truly happy, the kind that brings the tears.  Guess, what? Each of these things are highly relational, spending time with just Alexis, Emma, and/or both of them. Being with friends and family for meaningful conversations. Connecting with God during amazing worship services.

But the one that drives me, and yet evades me, is seeing people come to know Jesus, not the religion, but coming to a realization that He is their Lord, the person who can take all the burdens of this world. Jesus is the answer, and yet so hard for us truly accept. Seeing people encounter Jesus for the first time, actually just seeing people encounter Jesus at all (weather the first time or the millionth) brings the most joy to my heart.

Yet, this one amazing thing can also cause so much heartache, constantly seeking to see people for who they are, passing no judgement, but knowing there could be such a different life, a never-ending purpose driven life. Seeing people’s faces, hearing their stories, seeing and hearing the heartache every day. If only people knew their true identity.

So, I realize, as long as I focus on this joy, the things that come and go in life do not matter so much. Seek His kingdom first, and we shall inherit the earth, quite literally! Now that’s something to work for, to put effort into, and along the way I’ll continue to do my best, make course corrections, and connect with people as deeply as possible with intention.

No performance

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One thing that I lose sight of so often is the awesomeness in the fact that I don’t have to perform, anything, at all, zero, for God. All I need to do is love Him and let Him love me. It’s in His love that I find discipline, repentance, forgiveness, humility, and servitude. To enjoy God in this way is great, but when I get pulled into the “faith by works” cycle it’s no wonder I lose who I am… there’s no freedom.

The worse place for me to feel the performance preasure is the “God talks” with co-workers, for some reason the performance button gets pushed, normally I play it cool, but I certainly don’t feel the anointing, or power, or eloquence that I do in other parts of my life. This performance button turns on fear too, it’s all tied together.

Time to relax, remember who I am, and know I can have the same confidence I have with my “job” as I do with my call. I didn’t gain that confidence over night, but I know that it’s here in me. Some prayer, some truth, and some worship for this area of my walk and I’ll be good to go… or at least falling forward!

Socialists & Communists = the “real” Christians?

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As a continuation of my previous post… I wanted to touch on a key aspect of Christian community… “being of one heart and mind”. There’s a lot more to the context of the following passage, especially considering the persecution just prior and the serious act of sketchy-ness just after… which provides the backdrop for the kind of motivation the early Church had to be united.

Acts 4:32-35
32
 All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of their possessions was their own, but they shared everything they had.33 With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus. And God’s grace was so powerfully at work in them all 34 that there were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned land or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales 35 and put it at the apostles’ feet, and it was distributed to anyone who had need.

The key to all this sharing, is that Jesus is King (not a dictator commanding the economy and everything and person in it, such as our human examples of socialism and communism), the issues just prior to this (healing a man in Jesus’ name and speaking in His authority) brought great power and unity to the early Church. Is it possible to regain that, today? I believe so, it may look the same, or it may look different – but I believe it’s possible. I believe it because I know our God desires it, and what he desires is possible. We don’t need a “redo”, we simply need a “need to” or just a “do”.

So what will it take for us to be of “one heart and mind” again? I don’t know, I just know that it starts with ONE, it starts with me, and it starts with you, just the ONE. We can’t get hung up on “everyone else” and attempting to think for them, and get them to “see the vision” – we just need to walk the vision ourselves. What’s the vision? It’s love first, and making him our first love.  It’s John 17. It’s Ephesians 4. It’s Revelation 2:4.

Tweets for the past week

  • @TriMet not again, checked transit tracker, had 6 min, walk downstairs and across Civic to see MAX go away 3 min early, TT board: "3 min" #
  • @TriMet (cont) interesting enough a ghost train appeared 5 min late, and TT still said 12 min remaining. #
  • Wearing black is no fun when it gathers everything on it… #lintbrushNOW #
  • @sirlancelot Nice 🙂 As soon as I'm off this call, de-linting will commence. #
  • The world seems quite alright when my daughter waits & keeps herself awake an hour past normal, w/o complaint, to say goodnight to me. #
  • How Schram rolls at the office. http://t.co/4Pscc06w #
  • I have no idea what happened today, headache and sore throat…. kinda made the day cloudy. #
  • Letting go of the dream doesn't kill it, it allows a rebirth of dreams beyond our imagination. Control isn't all it's cracked up to be. #
  • Details can be distracting to our dreams, now that's so the truth – Thanks Mr. Graves. #

Community + Communism = Kingdom?

Acts 2:42 They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.43 Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles.44 All the believers were together and had everything in common.45 They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need.46 Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts,47 praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

So, how do we live this out?  How do citizens of the Kingdom of Jesus live here on earth, like that mentioned above? How do we do this knowing perfectly well, as humans, we’re going to make mistakes, hurt each other, and most likely really piss our neighbors off at times?  Is it a mandate for Christ followers to live like this? Have we fallen far from the “ideal”, and are so concerned with “myself” that something like this is “not possible” today?

I don’t think it’s a mandate, but I do believe a healthy group of Christ’s kids will be compelled to live out the values we see in this passage. Community with humility, essentially sharing to meet other’s needs… dare I say communism or socialism?

Communism is the idea of a free society with no division or alienation, where mankind is free from oppression and scarcity. A communist society would have no governments, countries, or class divisions.

Socialism is based on co-operative social relations and self-management; relatively equal power-relations and the reduction or elimination of hierarchy in the management of economic and political affairs.

So, there’s elements of communism and socialism out of this Acts 2 passage… but it’s not quite the same. There is a key difference, between the Kingdom and these types of systems… There is a government, and a strong hierarchy – with one person at the head – Jesus.  This key difference is what makes the Church community function… So why do we (American/Western Jesus followers) have such a hard time living this out?

In my opinion, the ideas of sharing, selling our things, buying for others, and coming together on a nearly daily basis seems asinine to us because we do not trust.  We don’t trust others, we don’t trust the “church”, we don’t trust God.  First of all, we don’t need to trust others, nor the “church”, we only have to trust God.  Trust and taste, and you will see that He is good.

If we can truly trust Jesus, and live by the Spirit, then we can serve others, and live without being offended. Our hearts should burn with fellowship and love for one another, but I don’t believe this burning comes without us first burning ourselves.

I have a lot more to say around this topic, and the sub topics… humility, servant-hood, living “offendlessly”, and other key ingredients to living in the Kingdom community.  It’s not all about “giving up” our way of life, it’s about gaining a whole new way of life with huge benefits that our individualized way of life in American/Western culture has completely lost.  Update 9/25/11: see part two of this stream of thought.

The trouble thoughts

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It’s always so much “fun” recovering from days where the performance button is pushed. Today was like that for me, nothing major, but just a few minor mistakes leading me to feel frustrated with myself.

In an environment with multiple simultaneous demands, interruptions, and the need for accuracy to save my poor co-workers from confusion and frustration, I have a hard time hitting the spot all the time. Worst of all is when it happens multiple times.

The trick in these scenarios is stepping into the truth that I’m just human, mistakes happen, I’ll slow down, make adjustments where needed and move on. My identity is not tied to my performance, this is a truth that is FAR harder to live out, and it’s one that I encounter all the time. If I want an easy way to stress out, be mad, be more frustrated, and treat poeple as non-human, it’s forgetting this vital truth.

When I get in the groove of performance then I actually start making more mistakes, covering them up, making excuses, and really just cause more problems. It’s a huge snow ball effect, one I don’t recommended….

My identity, and the original and true identity of all, is within the Kingdom, where Jesus says we are his children, and by that alone we are righteous, pure, and good. Getting into the Kingdom is not a performance game, so living as a citizen of His Kingdom requires nothing but unconditionally loving Him, loving others, and loving myself.

Listen, it’s always best.

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So, I had wrote a rather long post about stepping into the Kingdom and how it takes knowing your true identity….  but you see… I didn’t listen.

Right after finishing it up on my phone, I had a momentary “thought” to save it as a draft. But instead I went looking for a good picture to compliment the post…. well now I have no post because I didn’t listen to that voice, that very kind and gentleman like voice, that told me I should save a draft first… because as soon as I found that “perfect” picture. CRASH, WordPress said “force closed”. End of story, game over.

You see, I actually had as feeling that I should wrote about listening earlier… but I didn’t really “feel” it… instead I had a great idea to pontificate about some idealistic thing like Kingdom living… well, the King gets His way.  He was nice about it though, I’ll hit up the link on Kingdom living and identity soon enough.

Two weekends ago I was engaged in a worship experience that was just right… love, truth, and grace flowed into my spirit, perfect until… that darn voice.

The voice said “there’s a ripe group here, the harvest is now”.  Oh man! I knew it, and he asked me to get that message to the speaker. I stalled, big time. The speaker was no less than 20 feet from me, worshipping as well, my heart was quick… but I was nervous… not exactly walking in my identity.

A song or two went on and then, it happened, the nice gentleman (AKA, God, our King) apparently laid the same message on our worship leader too. Dave (our worship leader) began praying for those that were ready to know Jesus. I knew I needed to still emphasize that prayer to Arlin (our pastor speaking that service)… but I never did. Even when I told my wife, and she gently encouraged me, something was frozen in me.

I know what I should have done, and I had an hour or so of “grrr I should have…..”, thankfully I also heard Him say “I still did my work”… and I’m sure He meant in me and in the ones who were ripe. Next time!

Hello? Knock knock.. Anybody home?

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I believe I may have figured something out – this blog is… MY blog, not yours, not “theirs”, not for anyone else… it’s mine… for me.  I’ve always struggled with this blog as a silly selfish outlet to get some attention… and we all know we all would like more attention (weather good, bad, or indifferent).  I struggle with the very premise of blogging, social networking, etc, because it is all self-centered, and narcissistic.

You see, I have some fears… yeah, really, I do… who would have thought?  I fear judgement, misunderstandings, and all kinds of silly things which are just fear-based narcissistic, self-centered reactions.  I have always wanted my writing to be something for people to feel encouraged and refreshed after they read, to be words that provoke thought and bring clear thinking.

I think I’ve come to a peace, some understanding between the conflicting values and ideologies in myself. This blog is mine, and it will be about me, but it will be about who I am, why I do what I do, and most of all, it will be food for fish, and encouragement for all.

I think it’ll be more like the beginning….  Except this time, w/o the fear.

Tweets for the past week

  • I love the sunset light in our place this time of day. http://t.co/X7rZDm0 #
  • @TriMet is TransitTracker not working well today? All day Blue line info way off. #
  • @trimet I was using a third party app, but also went to the website directly later in the day. First try (3rd party app) @ 7:36 stopID 13449 #
  • @trimet (cont) second try at around noon TT website stopID 8333, last try both TT website & 3rd party (PDX BUS) stopID 8333 at 5:05 #
  • @trimet correction – Portland Transit was the third party app and I also tried PDX Transit – (Android) both gave same results as TT #
  • @trimet Yeah, I've seen that before – but usually it seems to fix itself within an hour or so – must've been a bad day for delays? #
  • @KATUNews Any update on the Gresham gas leak? #
  • Pipe test http://t.co/ZTm5iKst #
  • pipe test http://t.co/f0EydAjb #
  • Pipe test …. http://t.co/w4U4P1PZ #
  • Just spotted leaves falling from some trees. This does not indicate the end of summer, does it? #
  • @carlybish maybe in Sea :/ here we still have Sun! 🙂 #