The stifled drive

Edmonds Waterfront 7-2-2011

This is a continuation of my last post, after a few days of mulling things over I have realized one of the core frustration points in my life… I feel stifled… unfortunately (as is usually the case) I’m not in control (heh, that seems to be how this world is set up). However, I have given these frustrations a lot of thought and prayer and have come to terms with them. I have huge dreams and hopes to make a difference in this world, I don’t really care to be “someone” remembered, I just want to consistently make a difference in people’s lives.  I have put a lot of my hopes, dreams, and ambitions into pleasing others – that’s not my goal, so that’s my first term to a different direction. Recently, a friend of mine has been encouraging the boldness factor in me, I find boldness from time to time, I just wish I could sustain it.  Too often my boldness disappears because I don’t like to argue, and many times it seems most people just want to go on without seeing another side – so I think to myself “what’s the point of trying.”

I guess part of the issue is that it takes a lot of energy to actually care, the funny thing with me is that I care so much, that I exhaust myself “caring” before I can even express the love.  This is when I feel stifled, caring so much, wanting to see a difference, but after witnessing so many not wanting to listen, or truly care themselves, I have become jaded.  I don’t want to throw pearls at swine, I guess all to often I figure that’s the category people are in… the swine pit… that’s not very caring now is it?  This whole debacle is a classic trap of “the enemy”, get me to think/fear one thing, so I can’t live out my passions, so I become frustrated and “unable” live out the Kingdom.

So this entirely outlines the need for a close relationship to God, for the inter-dependency of the Church to help us be connected with reality, and for the honest to God humility of one’s heart.  There’s a lot stored up in me right now, but do the above stated “frustration” I feel stuck – however, I have access to a solution – it’s God’s restart button – MERCY and GRACE.  I don’t have to worry about my thoughts from the past, I can start over today and act according to my passion and call today, sure it might make some heads turn (especially my wife) – but I can explain it, walk away from the shame, and move on.  This is the beauty of living as a child of God, saved by the Son, and living in his kingdom.

My confliction

Brick Wall Pearl District
Life is like a brick wall sometimes. No parking for my thoughts.


Simply put, the reason I rarely write much these days is because I have been suffering from my own self-diagnosed “writer’s constipation.” Yes, I know, gross. However, there’s a lot going on in my life, and honestly, when I think about writing about any of it there is just so much to “dance” around that I’m afraid I’ll just bore people attempting to provide all the “necessary” details just so that I feel people are “ok” with my thoughts.

Yes, basically, I’m attempting to please people. This is so stifling… I hate it when people mis-understand, mis-read, or mis-interpret me… or jump to conclusions… and the worse is the stereo-type. So, I think I’m going to begin changing things around this little corner of the internet I call my “blog” and simply remind people, this is a conversation, and no one is right or wrong – not even me.  Let’s just start there, and stop the small talk.

Nearly 12 years

Creation & Seaside 023.jpg

This picture is one of the earliest pictures I have (digitally) of myself. It was taken in the late summer of 2002, about three years after I declared Jesus as Lord of my life. The other people in the picture are still very dear to me, even though I almost never talk with them anymore. When we visit the Seattle area we attempt (if time allows) to connect, which seems to be less and less as time and life go on. So the the main reason I’m writing this is because over the last 12 years of living this dedicated life I’ve always felt “giving up” just wasn’t a choice for me, in so many ways… little did I know how often this would be tested.

I could write a long entry about all the events of the last 12 years, and all the times I felt like calling this “Christianity” stuff quits. There’s a lot, a lot of times where people let me down, or I was being selfish, or times where seemingly the Church was just rather mediocre and I was upset. That basically sums up a lot of the “tests” where I had a decision to “give up” or march on through with the values that I knew were important to God, in some way, shape or form, where I had to truly look at the realities and truly realize that God and people are not the same… and also come to the realization that God expresses himself mainly through humanity… which by it’s very definition means there will be failure, let down, and many opportunities to “exit” “rightfully” (to put it in standard American mentality form).

Somewhere along the line I learned that God is always there, even in people who fail me, in situations that seem impossible, and most of all, times where I failed myself. I have many people to thank who gracefully, along the way, pointed me in the right direction, speaking wisdom from their lives, and listened to God. I also have a big thanks to God for placing His spirit in me, allowing me to hear his voice, when I choose. It’s these “little things” that have sustained me over these 12 years.  Again I’m not sure what this entry is really about, I’m just pontificating… I guess…

The bottom line to this whole thing is that I am so saddened when people just walk away from Christ, when they just can’t see the difference between humanity and God – when, they get let down so hard and no one seemingly has any idea what to do. Again, there’s always the fine line of “how far do we go”. So often I think many of us don’t take risks, but for me, I’ll continue taking the risks, because I know Jesus is there – even when I get knocked out, I know He’ll get me back up again… and I’ll be more wise and ready the next time around.

The (sorry long, but exactly who I know I am) verses that sum up the identity that I believe every follow of Christ should know without any doubt:

Romans 8:22-39

22 For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us. 24 We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hopet for it. 25 But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.)

26 And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. 27 And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. 28 And we know that God causes everything to work togethert for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. 29 For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30 And having chosen them, he called them to come to him. And having called them, he gave them right standing with himself. And having given them right standing, he gave them his glory.

31 What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? 32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 33 Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. 34 Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.

35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Some things to write about…

Misc Church Pix 079.jpg

Since I can’t seem to make a decision on what I want to write on, I’ll at least make a list of things I want to write about. This way when I finally get a little motivation, I’ll be able to pick from the list quickly… normally my motivation and my ideas don’t come at the same time.

  1. Assumptions freeze grace
  2. My creed as aligned with “the creed”
  3. The future holds?
  4. When all else fails…
  5. Truth in the face of “failure”

Now, the idea is that when I feel motivated to write something I’ll have a good list of “jump starts” now – I hope. I enjoy writing, but for many different reason I have a lot of road blocks and “well I really shouldn’t because….” I’m hoping this helps – most of it is my own fears of how my words “might be taken”… oh the “people pleaser” in me… ugh…

Stuck in “small talk” mode.


I can’t seem to gather my thoughts recently, at least not in anything longer than 140 characters… and even that sometimes is hard. I have too many expectations and “filters” in place. There are some things I’m excited about, and then there are some things that I just don’t have control over, that I have hope about. The things I’m excited about seem “blocked” by the things I don’t have control over, which makes for a very patient existence.  I also don’t like small talk, which is just about all I feel like I can actually share without causing too much trouble.  However I think there are some safe topics I can share if I really put my mind to it. Some things that will help me be more me, and less in the “box” that I keep feeling. I just need to hang on to the motivation… and not be distracted by the “small talk” stuff.

Gone stale…


I’ve let this Blog go stale… my bad. Honestly this is because I think too much about the (possible) reactions of others. It’s a catch 22, because I want interaction but I don’t want to be misunderstood or labled. A lot of assumptions are made when people read things…. or may just the large chunk of people who like to over-react (without gathering facts or at least attempting to have some kind of compassion for fellow humanity) on comments all over the web.

So my stale-ness is due to fear of being rejected…. ok I’ve admitted that… when will this beast just go away. It wont I need to allow it to be slain, and there’s only one person I know who can slain beasts like that.

More will come… soon!



I like to have a review of my values from time to time. Many times values and priorities can be a little hard to separate yet I’ll just go with the flow and figure out the priorities later.

This is not an exhaustive list, rather this is more of a evaluation if certain spoken or desired values that I would like to make priority and be more intentional about.

Life with God: Currently I’m enjoying a good continuous conversation with God but I’m not including him in every aspect.

Marriage: The past 6 months have introduced a lot of fantastic things, feeling like we have a stronger friendship is one of the best pieces. I would like to see myself feeling more natural about it, but I guess having to think about it and be intentional has its benefits.

Church: This is probably the most lacking for me right now. While we are “there” on a very regular basis the community aspect of it seems harder and harder to live out due to people being so insanly busy that organic family-like community is hard to work out. We’ll be joining a small group soon and I have a lot of ideas and ideology that may be hard to not expect.

Humanity: Still very much stuck on living a life of compassion giving… our society culture do not cultivate the humananity focused and compassion I feel. God is people focused, why aren’t we?

More laters ….

Political labels don’t fit me.


So some things I’ve been thinking about. Warning none of the following will have a “why” so hold your comments until I flesh out the points over the weeks to come.


Because of my Bible believing beliefs I have come to the following (maybe surprising) convictions about the following political and societal issues of our day.

Fair and ethical trade – I really can’t justify paying less for something knowing that the work conditions for cheap products are many times near slave standards, the basis of brutal dictatorships, or turn a blind eye towards basic needs. This is a very complicated matter, and it can change. Buying products from verified and/or certified sources is important to making change happen and education.

When possible, I prefer to buy local, this helps in so many ways, local economy, unfair/unethical trade issues, and as a bonus you get to know and support your community (Biblical? I think so).

Sustainability: this one I find very misunderstood in and out of the Church. I think from a Biblical viewpoint the Church should be at the forefront of the sustainability movement (although it shouldn’t be the forefront of the Church’s mission, that’s already clear). Things like Advent Conspiracy can be great tools for making sustainable communities (think hand wells in Africa).

Lastly public services (education, safety, transportation, and healthcare) should be priorities before other items. Each of those items I just listed, when well thought out and protected like our society depends on them, brings everyone’s living standards up, not in an attempt to “equalize” everyone, but rather by proving the “societal infrastructure”.

Like I said this is far from fleshed out, blogging from my phone doesn’t provide me access to the resources to unfold everything as I would like. But what I do want to say is that Jesus does promote many things. However, hear me loud and clear the number one mission for Christ’s followers is still the expansion of the church. I just think that through these venues we can expand the Kingdom and touch our world for Jesus at the same time!

The stuck thoughts


Sometimes it seems that my thoughts and ideas don’t really mean anything. Most of the time I figure most people probably don’t care and/or are not open minded enough to consider other ideas. Yeah, I know, jaded and cynical, honestly though within my sphere this is the general attitude. Please note I said general, I know awesome, open minded people as well.

So because of this jaded view many of my thoughts get stuck. This, my friends, is people pleasing at its best. Not able to pontificate my ideas and thoughts because I think others don’t care? Dumb.

I also sometimes can’t meet my own standards, for instance, I prefer to not get political mostly because I have strong thoughts and it seems somehow everyone else in my circle either doesn’t care or are the extream at one end or another. I prefer longer more fleshed out discussions and most of the time life doesn’t dish out the opportunity.

So all this just to say, there’s actually a lot going on in me, it’s just a matter of priming the pump and stop being so concerned about others. All while honoring my values to stay on the high road, honoring God, and respecting humanity.