Life – Page 3 – No Small Talk

Once we were children

A few weeks ago we were walking with Emma in her stroller to an annual “teddy bear parade” that Gresham puts on each year. It was a sunny day and we had a lot of fun. I made a number of observances that day, mostly around how adults and children perceive the world. A few of Jesus’ teachings came to mind, “be as children” and “have faith like a child”… The way that children (ones whose Love tanks are full, and free of most trauma) view the world and live is simple, usually one-tracked, and clear.

About a week after that parade I was walking home from something from downtown Gresham, and needed to cross a busy street, one of the same crossings where just the weekend before we were crossing with Emma. On that first crossing the cars stopped for us almost immediately, and my happy family of three crossed without incident. Attempting to cross the street alone, well that’s another story. I waited a good three or four minutes for someone to stop and let me cross (there’s no light/crossing signal at this particular crossing)… I’m glad that people prioritize children and families when stopping at crosswalks, but what is it about our society that an adult man has to nearly step into cross traffic to get people to stop so he can cross a street?

I realize that people are generally not as cautious about adults as they are with children (this is most likely a natural response) – but why are we so callous against our fellow adults? What if we did view each other as children? Would we see a difference? Would the negativity and jaded attitudes go away? I’m not really that bothered by my own little experience, it just highlighted something about our culture, our human nature. After all, we were all once children – why allow life to jade our vision of each other?

As a Christian there’s a lot this life presents us with, and in the end, I truly believe seeing every person as a child truly helps bring clarity when relating to other humans. The world is a truly messed up place, nothing really makes sense, but on an individual level, a whole lot makes sense when we see each other as children.

Feeling disorganized

I hate feeling disorganized, out of sorts, disconnected, or any number of feelings along those lines. Recently I have felt like my thoughts are incomplete, not quite what I wanted, and mostly just ramblings. I feel things, but I can’t express them – but then when I try, it’s just sorta anti-climatic…

It’s probably my own expectations not being met… on myself… that’s a fun one. Now that I think about it, these feelings are all too familiar… insecurity… man I hate that, it’s humbling. But the more I think about it, and the more I hunt out the crap and lies and realize the truth, the more I don’t have to deal with these feelings and live life as I should – a life-infused follower of Jesus, with nothing to fear because I have never-ending life!

I like ideals, I live by them, and many times it’s these same ideals that get me so frustrated, but I know that if I continue to have faith in the giver of these ideals (of which they are all based on living out my values, which are based on being a child of God) then I will see the harvest. It’s a lot of patience, and so often I feel it’s fruitless and won’t change anything, but I know deep down it will change and it will make a significant difference – even when many around me don’t think so.

I can’t give up, I won’t, not because I think there’s a bigger prize… but because I know living this way is far better than not having hope. Even when it’s hard to get out, hard to explain, or just isn’t received with the excitement I would like (also read, as, met with a matching excitement, yes I too like to feel validated).

Happiness…

Last night I had dinner with a friend of mine and the topic of “what makes you happy” came up… Well there’s a lot of “things” that make me happy… but many times I discount them as “superficial”, unimportant to the goals I have set out in life. They are little things, like having a nice drink anytime I want, getting “frou frou” coffees whenever, going out with my wife whenever, buying new clothes… all things that take money, which we seem to never have enough of.

Of course, with enough money, I can be as happy as I want, right? Well, not really, because there really are only a few things that make me truly happy, the kind that brings the tears. Guess, what? Each of these things are highly relational, spending time with just Alexis, Emma, and/or both of them. Being with friends and family for meaningful conversations. Connecting with God during amazing worship services.

But the one that drives me, and yet evades me, is seeing people come to know Jesus, not the religion, but coming to a realization that He is their Lord, the person who can take all the burdens of this world. Jesus is the answer, and yet so hard for us truly accept. Seeing people encounter Jesus for the first time, actually just seeing people encounter Jesus at all (weather the first time or the millionth) brings the most joy to my heart.

Yet, this one amazing thing can also cause so much heartache, constantly seeking to see people for who they are, passing no judgement, but knowing there could be such a different life, a never-ending purpose driven life. Seeing people’s faces, hearing their stories, seeing and hearing the heartache every day. If only people knew their true identity.

So, I realize, as long as I focus on this joy, the things that come and go in life do not matter so much. Seek His kingdom first, and we shall inherit the earth, quite literally! Now that’s something to work for, to put effort into, and along the way I’ll continue to do my best, make course corrections, and connect with people as deeply as possible with intention.

No performance

One thing that I lose sight of so often is the awesomeness in the fact that I don’t have to perform, anything, at all, zero, for God. All I need to do is love Him and let Him love me. It’s in His love that I find discipline, repentance, forgiveness, humility, and servitude. To enjoy God in this way is great, but when I get pulled into the “faith by works” cycle it’s no wonder I lose who I am… there’s no freedom.

The worse place for me to feel the performance preasure is the “God talks” with co-workers, for some reason the performance button gets pushed, normally I play it cool, but I certainly don’t feel the anointing, or power, or eloquence that I do in other parts of my life. This performance button turns on fear too, it’s all tied together.

Time to relax, remember who I am, and know I can have the same confidence I have with my “job” as I do with my call. I didn’t gain that confidence over night, but I know that it’s here in me. Some prayer, some truth, and some worship for this area of my walk and I’ll be good to go… or at least falling forward!

The trouble thoughts

It’s always so much “fun” recovering from days where the performance button is pushed. Today was like that for me, nothing major, but just a few minor mistakes leading me to feel frustrated with myself.

In an environment with multiple simultaneous demands, interruptions, and the need for accuracy to save my poor co-workers from confusion and frustration, I have a hard time hitting the spot all the time. Worst of all is when it happens multiple times.

The trick in these scenarios is stepping into the truth that I’m just human, mistakes happen, I’ll slow down, make adjustments where needed and move on. My identity is not tied to my performance, this is a truth that is FAR harder to live out, and it’s one that I encounter all the time. If I want an easy way to stress out, be mad, be more frustrated, and treat poeple as non-human, it’s forgetting this vital truth.

When I get in the groove of performance then I actually start making more mistakes, covering them up, making excuses, and really just cause more problems. It’s a huge snow ball effect, one I don’t recommended….

My identity, and the original and true identity of all, is within the Kingdom, where Jesus says we are his children, and by that alone we are righteous, pure, and good. Getting into the Kingdom is not a performance game, so living as a citizen of His Kingdom requires nothing but unconditionally loving Him, loving others, and loving myself.

Listen, it’s always best.

So, I had wrote a rather long post about stepping into the Kingdom and how it takes knowing your true identity…. but you see… I didn’t listen.

Right after finishing it up on my phone, I had a momentary “thought” to save it as a draft. But instead I went looking for a good picture to compliment the post…. well now I have no post because I didn’t listen to that voice, that very kind and gentleman like voice, that told me I should save a draft first… because as soon as I found that “perfect” picture. CRASH, WordPress said “force closed”. End of story, game over.

You see, I actually had as feeling that I should wrote about listening earlier… but I didn’t really “feel” it… instead I had a great idea to pontificate about some idealistic thing like Kingdom living… well, the King gets His way. He was nice about it though, I’ll hit up the link on Kingdom living and identity soon enough.

Two weekends ago I was engaged in a worship experience that was just right… love, truth, and grace flowed into my spirit, perfect until… that darn voice.

The voice said “there’s a ripe group here, the harvest is now”. Oh man! I knew it, and he asked me to get that message to the speaker. I stalled, big time. The speaker was no less than 20 feet from me, worshipping as well, my heart was quick… but I was nervous… not exactly walking in my identity.

A song or two went on and then, it happened, the nice gentleman (AKA, God, our King) apparently laid the same message on our worship leader too. Dave (our worship leader) began praying for those that were ready to know Jesus. I knew I needed to still emphasize that prayer to Arlin (our pastor speaking that service)… but I never did. Even when I told my wife, and she gently encouraged me, something was frozen in me.

I know what I should have done, and I had an hour or so of “grrr I should have…..”, thankfully I also heard Him say “I still did my work”… and I’m sure He meant in me and in the ones who were ripe. Next time!

Restart

I’m simply glad that we have a new beginning everyday with the Lord. For a variety of reasons, mostly relational, I have been challenged over the couple of years in ways I never imagined. I consider myself a very loyal person, I don’t “leave behind” relationships easily, I always try to make sure the lines of communication are open and clear, that people understand, and most of all that my love for them is the driving factor. However, these last couple of years have presented challenges which, at this point, I am simply stuck – unable to do much of anything but pray. As I wait for God and/or others to make the “move”, I find myself incredibly challenged and frustrated. There are times where I so badly want to yell at the other parties and make them “restart” and actually let God’s principles take place… but we are human, and so therefore, part of God’s principles are human in nature, because we are made in his image… (this is all very messy). Thus, with this humanity stuff mixed in, things can’t just “restart” and be back to “normal” or even some kind of “modified normal” in a time-frame I like.

So, I sit here today, still stunned, and when I think about everything (over the last couple of years) I begin to wonder will my ideal “restart” ever look like reality? At least I know, personally, God has given me a restart, and I gratefully take it at every chance I remember to (which is far less than I should). The strongest piece of truth I hold onto is the fact that God gave me clear words over the past year, the victory is His and can not be taken… obviously I need to ask what that looks like… because my picture sure isn’t reality (at this time). Love empowers, I just pray that I am continually refilled to continually pour out.

Freedom

The history of the United States is amazing, with some very dark spots, and some huge mistakes, yet we have moved forward past those dark times and created a place where people can be free – at least free to choose a life they want. I am not a crazy America loving Christian, most of the time I am embarrassed when the Church starts worshiping the nation… and I can’t stand singing “American hymns” (i.e. God Bless America) in Church – it makes me sick to my stomach. Church is about us gathering to encourage one another in life with God’s guidance, Church is not a place for us to celebrate our culture, our national identity, nor a specific idea – except the idea of God’s kingdom. I love my country, I am moved many times by our history, and many times I have shed a few tears when I hear veterans speak, and watch documentaries about America, however, I just can’t see the obsession some American Christians have about mixing Church and America in one idea. I tolerate it because I love the Church more than I love America, and Jesus’ heart is for us to have tolerance for one another, and be in unity (John 17, and Romans 1).

Freedom for me is the incredible and amazing gift of grace that I have received from Jesus himself – the ability to pour grace on others, to love the fringe communities, to see beyond sexual orientation, to see people for who they are – this is freedom. To see God’s heart all around, and to know that I am in the Kingdom and that it is me that will extend this Kingdom – this is freedom. Being OK with the fact that the majority of Christians I interact with have a hard time understanding the GBLT community. Also, the fact that most of the suburban, white, “republican” and “conservative” people I know, haven’t tried to understand the “left’s” heart, is frustrating and heart-breaking, but doesn’t distract me from loving them too. You see, I have a freedom that goes beyond the “lines” and it transcends the communities.

The place where I fight for this freedom is expressing it, and being bold in it (as I described in yesterday’s post). I can be both a republican and a democrat, and at the same time a Christian and a relevant person to those around me – but most of all I can be the love for both sides of the fence… (besides, is there really just two sides?). I will be in the camp above all camps… I am a citizen of the King and live in His kingdom. I want to walk in THAT freedom!

The stifled drive

This is a continuation of my last post, after a few days of mulling things over I have realized one of the core frustration points in my life… I feel stifled… unfortunately (as is usually the case) I’m not in control (heh, that seems to be how this world is set up). However, I have given these frustrations a lot of thought and prayer and have come to terms with them. I have huge dreams and hopes to make a difference in this world, I don’t really care to be “someone” remembered, I just want to consistently make a difference in people’s lives. I have put a lot of my hopes, dreams, and ambitions into pleasing others – that’s not my goal, so that’s my first term to a different direction. Recently, a friend of mine has been encouraging the boldness factor in me, I find boldness from time to time, I just wish I could sustain it. Too often my boldness disappears because I don’t like to argue, and many times it seems most people just want to go on without seeing another side – so I think to myself “what’s the point of trying.”

I guess part of the issue is that it takes a lot of energy to actually care, the funny thing with me is that I care so much, that I exhaust myself “caring” before I can even express the love. This is when I feel stifled, caring so much, wanting to see a difference, but after witnessing so many not wanting to listen, or truly care themselves, I have become jaded. I don’t want to throw pearls at swine, I guess all to often I figure that’s the category people are in… the swine pit… that’s not very caring now is it? This whole debacle is a classic trap of “the enemy”, get me to think/fear one thing, so I can’t live out my passions, so I become frustrated and “unable” live out the Kingdom.

So this entirely outlines the need for a close relationship to God, for the inter-dependency of the Church to help us be connected with reality, and for the honest to God humility of one’s heart. There’s a lot stored up in me right now, but do the above stated “frustration” I feel stuck – however, I have access to a solution – it’s God’s restart button – MERCY and GRACE. I don’t have to worry about my thoughts from the past, I can start over today and act according to my passion and call today, sure it might make some heads turn (especially my wife) – but I can explain it, walk away from the shame, and move on. This is the beauty of living as a child of God, saved by the Son, and living in his kingdom.

When values conflict

Being an idealist (and a Christian one at that) may cause one to have ulcers. Sometimes in my quest to live out what I believe are kingdom principles (love people like our Father does, as a child of His be disciplined, and realize His ways are higher than mine) my head spins, my heart aches, and I’m left paralyzed without much of an answer. More often than not I am left feeling like I’m one of the few who truly care, and therefore, what on earth can I do? I’m reminded, it’s not me, it’s Him that needs to do this stuff on earth… or is it “just Him?” – my spirit screams no, I must do something too. So, as I try to align all my thoughts, concerns, and deep love for humanity, I become confused with why so many around me move around as if there wasn’t another human around…

So, what values of mine are conflicting? It’s my idealistic values of the Kingdom, and my insecurities of the past. It’s the value to honor my fellow friends, brothers, and sisters, and my need to know I’m “doing” the right thing… aka “approved.”

Sure, people generally care about those around them, but do they care about the ones they can’t/don’t see around them? Then I think to myself… well I haven’t done much either, so who am I to say much and try to bring awareness to others? I so badly want to see people encounter God, and to see the Church being the Church (having people encounter a dwelling God among them). So what has held me back? Honestly, it’s this idea that I need some kind of “permission” or “commission” – some kind of authority figure to “bless” me and say “go do it.” – well, I have heard it, from the Father himself, and I need to stop seeking out the humanly and just walk out what I know is true in the Spirit – respect the human authority – and honor the Spiritual authority. To be continued…