I have so neglected this blog since preparing for the trip, being on the trip, and attempting to re-enter post-trip. I have a lot going on in my mind, so I have a lot to write, but I have been pretty tired and not-motivated to write. I’ve got to get back on a normal schedule and include some time to write!
Category: Thoughts
Being real
A while back I wrote about how much I loathe the fund raising process, the ups and downs, the stress, and everything else that goes along with something based on faith. Still, I have a philosophy about my Christian walk that I believe is important, and it’s being real. While it may have a whiny tone, it may be jaded at times, I find it freeing to express myself (without slandering, hurting, or otherwise giving bad connotations about others), my doubts, my concerns, my opinions, and in this I find blessing from God. I find that my relationship is something based communication and love, not just “knowledge”, pat answers, and “should haves”.
I believe too that because of this, this creates a relationship with God that I feel is real. I am always aware of his voice, because I’m always telling him things, and hearing back how (at times) rediculous I am in my rantings. Yet, it’s always a fatherly kind of thing (and sometimes motherly, in fact).
So what’s the result of all this? Amazing trust, and a God who never fails to build my faith in Him. Over the past 24 hours we have recieved four donations to our trip (which we leave on Saturday for) totaling, get this, $1,950! I know it’s because I keep putting my faith where it belongs, even though my mind doubts, God knows our weaknesses, and He knows our stregnths, and he works in both! Amen? YES.
Polska w Portland
This Saturday Alexis and I (and I think some friends) will be at the Portland Polish Festival, this will be our first time there. I’ve heard about every year and every year something has always trumped it, but this year, it’s a go! Woot! Can’t wait! Then the following Saturday we’ll be flying out to Kraków!
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about our trip, and both Alexis and I are very excited, to see our friends, see what God has in store for us and them, and most of all to be in our second home.
We’re still in need of fund raising close to $3,000 (at last official count), so be praying for that.
Running away… not a choice.
I know we’ve all had those times in ministry, leadership, family, with friends, etc, that we just want to run away from. You know, the relational crap that makes you sick to your stomach? While I don’t have any relationships that are in dire straights, I do have some crucial conversations on my horizon.
What is messing with me the most is that I’m sure I communicated some things one way, very specifically to prevent the mess that has happened, but what the people in question heard was exactly the opposite of what I wanted to communicate. I even clarified the conversations… So this seems like a case of remembering what you want to hear… or something.
So I sit here, unable to sleep, because relationships are the most important things in life, and while no one hates me, I can see where relationship growth has been hindered. It grieves me, and all I want to do is drive far, far, away, not because it would help anything, but maybe my mind would be put at ease… maybe.
Catching up
I’m feeling behind in so many areas, but then when I take a look, it’s not all that bad, but still being a little behind in a lot areas doesn’t feel good. I wish I could just take two days off of work to catch up on everything. Alas, that won’t be happening. So I do what I can, prioritize and set my sight on heaven – otherwise my humanity gets to me.
Two years from now
God willing, two years from now we’ll be on our way out of the United States and on our way to Poland, permanently. September 2010, is the month we’re looking at for moving to Kraków. There’s just one last item to be passed through our Church council for us to begin perma-fundraising, and for us to start putting away into our departure fund. I certainly feel (as does Alexis too) split on this, one part of us is very excited, and our spirits rejoice that what God is calling us to do is becoming reality, the other part of us is slowly grieving, our friends, our small group, our church family, all of it, to be less in touch, and so far removed.
Then there’s the reality of reering children in a foreign place, schools, friends, church, etc… our church family here is amazing in these areas, and we’re going some place where it’s very minimal, if at all. In the end though, with each trip, it is harder and harder to leave, Kraków feels more and more to be the right place.
God has spoken!
I know this is long, but it’s a huge revelation for me, if you want to know where I am, to know more than just a tweet or facebook status update, take the time to read this. Shall we know each other for the love we show to each other? Are we known for the love we have for each other? Let’s start, one person at a time.
Last night as I was laying in bed, attempting to fall asleep, I could not stop thinking about our upcoming trip to Poland. Then I felt the Lord telling me, stop, be at peace, do not fear, everything will be okay. Then I thought to myself, that’s just the pat Christian response, thinking I’m not trusting or having enough faith in God…
And then I “really” heard him say “go throughout your day tomorrow and do not talk about, nor dwell on this coming trip” and so I tried my best, I had a few wondering thoughts, and did my best to think of other things (such as driving, doing my job, etc). It has been really hard, very hard.
The other thing I heard God say was “I’ll have an answer for you tomorrow” (that being today) and that answer I believe came in my morning devotion, but in a way, could still be coming.
In my devotional I read Jeremiah 51:20-23:
20 “You are my battle-ax and sword,”
says the Lord.
“With you I will shatter nations
and destroy many kingdoms.
21 With you I will shatter armies-
destroying the horse and rider,
the chariot and charioteer.
22 With you I will shatter men and women,
old people and children,
young men and maidens.
23 With you I will shatter shepherds and flocks,
farmers and oxen,
captains and officers.
I felt God say to me – that is you, you are my battle-ax, you and your wife, your family, I will use to battle the enemy’s schemes, lies, and strongholds in Poland. Wow, thanks God! This is just what I needed, exactly the motivation.
But wait! There’s more!
The next passage to read in my devotion was 3rd John, and verses 5-11 answered exactly the question I’ve had about fund raising (what’s right, what’s wrong, how do we fund raise? Is it right to ask so much? etc, etc, etc). You see, verses such as Acts 20:33-35, and 2 Corinthians 11:9, have plagued my thoughts, and made me doubt the whole fund raising process. Then I think “we’re not asking from those we’re serving, from those we’ll be ministering to” (Paul made it clear not to ask or be a burden to those whom he was ministering to, for some reason people miss this distinction, and see that seeking support from your own church is in the same vain as what Paul says in those scriptures). Still the enemy attacks, and brings doubts to my mind…
Then in 3rd John: 5-11 I read the following:
5 Dear friend, you are being faithful to God when you care for the traveling teachers who pass through, even though they are strangers to you. 6 They have told the church here of your loving friendship. Please continue providing for such teachers in a manner that pleases God. 7 For they are traveling for the Lord, and they accept nothing from people who are not believers. 8 So we ourselves should support them so that we can be their partners as they teach the truth.
9 I wrote to the church about this, but Diotrephes, who loves to be the leader, refuses to have anything to do with us. 10 When I come, I will report some of the things he is doing and the evil accusations he is making against us. Not only does he refuse to welcome the traveling teachers, he also tells others not to help them. And when they do help, he puts them out of the church.
11 Dear friend, don’t let this bad example influence you. Follow only what is good. Remember that those who do good prove that they are God’s children, and those who do evil prove that they do not know God.
HOW FREEING! I can be free from the shame, guilt, whatever it is/has been that has been discouraging me from seeking people’s partnership in our ministry.
God has spoken! And I know he speaks into your life as well!
This is the last night.
This is my last night, because God is challenging me to new depths, this is the last night, because God is asking me to take up what I have and do something with it.
Tonight’s message was thought provoking and Spirit encouraging. God is in the bussiness of growing us closer to Him.
I’ve been fighting a decent amount of fear, stress, and overall the feeling of “not being understood”. Nearly all of it relates to my calling, Poland, Pastoring, Mentoring, Speaking, and just about everything in between.
I’m being challenged to “just do it”. I’m looking for affirmation in all the wrong places, the only place I’ll see it, and I’ve ever had it, is in Jesus. He’s ordered it, and he will see to it that he gets it.
Emma’s dedication
Last night we dedicated Emma to the Lord. See the pictures here. It was a beautiful moment. However, I felt so discouraged and upset with myself afterwords because the words I wanted to say completely left my head, however, what was said was still pretty darn good, just not what I originally wanted.
The enemy tried to use this against me the entire night, it took a while for me to shake the lies from my head. Stuff like “You can’t talk in front of people”, “You fumble on the platform, and always will”… it really had me going, I was so distracted for the rest of the evening that I hardly heard the message, except a part about Moses… that my small group all laughed at… but only us. DING (inside joke).
Here’s what I wanted to say, and will say and pray:
As God the father dedicated His son to do his work, we dedicate Emma to be in His hands, wholly modlable. Because of his ultimate love may she see His handiwork throughout her life and live set apart for great things. Empowered by Jesus beyond measure and without limit – in His kingdom here on earth!
Cynicism verses positive faith
Where’s the line? Between trying to keep it “real” and speaking in faith about life? I’ve realized that I have a very whiny tone, especially since the fund raising stuff had to start up again. Gosh, I’m actually a pretty positive person, but reading this blog you wouldn’t know it.
I have full faith that God is going to provide every last penny, and that through all of this we’ll learn more about His character and love for us. Everything will be okay, it always is. I’m also a reactive kind of person, while I like to think that I’m responsive, that I think things through, sometimes I simply react and find the “quickest” way not the best way to a solution. That in turn leads to me processing rather negatively on here.
Of course I strive to keep things authentic here, and the balance lays somewhere between speaking out on the reality, and speaking positively about what and who I know God is.