Tag: God

How I see it

When I look at people, life, the Church,

Through the eyes of how I know & understand Christ, God, the Holy Spirit

Then I see beauty & life

I see things differently

I ‘spose because I’ve seen a lot of terrible things

Many of these things I would rather never see again

In fact I contend with God to only see these things because of Him

Because of these things people are different to me

People, all people, even you, and even the guy trashed from the party

And even, the guy who reeks of alcohol and body odor in the “free rail zone”

They all have a warm spot in my heart, even the people who have caused the deepest hurt

This is all true, not because it’s some warm fuzzy ideal

But because it’s exactly what my God has given me, time and time again

This grace, so amazing, so unchanging, so undeserved, this is what floods my soul

When my soul is flooded, and my heart is filled, I can only be drawn to the souls of all.

He is my king.

Lying to yourself

I have a lot of principles, values, and priorities that I like to tell myself I live by.  Things like honesty, loving others, being a good listener, integrity, authenticity, etc.  Many of which are of course motivated by my relationship with God.  However, I can say and proclaim as many of these things as I want until I’m blue in the face… none of it matters.  None of it matters unless I’m actually doing these things, being true to them.. Now this sounds pretty harsh, even borderline religious or legalistic.

I don’t like lying to myself, I don’t like saying I am one thing, when really I am not.  I’ll go as far as to say, if you call yourself a Christian, if you have a relationship with Jesus, and you’re not living out your values… then you’re probably experiencing some fairly stressful feelings and situations.  I say this because every time I do something against what I value, I feel it, I feel the stress of being at odds with myself (normally by being grumpy, rude, mean to my wife).  So, this is why I actually schedule my values into my calendar, so that I can live out my priorities, and nurture my values.  In this structure I experience life, fellowship, friendship, love, knowledge, family, and all within balance.  It’s freedom, even though at first it’s discipline, but discipline leads to freedom, trust me, I’ve lived it.  Don’t lie to yourself.

Being comfortable in my own skin

One would hope that after being on this planet for nearly 30 years I would be comfortable being myself… but for whatever reasons stupid insecurities still creep up, and it drives me fricken crazy.  It’s always silly stuff too, but I realize it’s always the things that haunted me as a grade schooler as well… the same feelings.  So, I can either just accept this, as part of who I am and really just be okay with it, or I can continue to be distracted and held back by it.

I want to just be ok, but it’s a matter of retraining my head to match my heart, and both of them to match reality/truth – no one really cares about the things that I feel embarrassed/insecure about.  It’s ok!  The thoughts in my head are always whispering about what people think of me… and I’m here to say the truth – people like me!  It’s been hard enough to get where I am, I don’t need to keep on “working” at it.  This is one thing that I think I’m okay with saying “I’ve arrived” – now get off the plane and see reality for what it’s always been.

A swarm of thoughts

So much of the time I shy away from writing something on here because I begin to think for people, and most of the time I think they’ll think I’m being too negative, or I think they’ll read it as “complaining”, I just want to let you know (even if you never thought those things) that my heart has never been in those places, although my mood certainly has.  I’m in a place in my life where I’m feeling good and content with where God has me, and at the same time, I’m discontent with where I spend most of my days, stuck up in an office.

The funny thing is, I really like my job, but when I start to think about the time it requires I am not too happy with it, as I would much rather be free to meet with friends, have coffee (or beer), love on people, spend time with my bride and daughter, etc.  However, I still really like the job, and I love working with the people God has placed around me.  It’s kind of a weird paradox, a love/hate kind of issue.  So, overall I am content, but there is definitely something inside me that wants more, and I’m trying very hard to hear what God has to say about that.

I know it is through discipline in Christ that I’ll find fulfillment.  Today I was reading Proverbs 12, and the first verse captured me – “To learn, you must love discipline; it is stupid to hate correction” – I’ve always been one to accept correction, to seek his discipline….  that is at least what people could see.  Now that God has been showing me (through marriage) how much more I need to seek his discipline, I have found myself unusually closed up, unwanting to change.

Thankfully, I think God is turning a key, opening a door, and doing new and greater things in me.  I think I’ve began to let him.  It’s hard, it burns, but it feels right.  As seek his healing in these areas I know his promises will become true, and I’ll be more free.

A world without God.

A world without God is a world that I fear to imagine.  Yet many people live in a world without God, they go about day to day, without any more than a fleeting idea of God.  So why am I so fearful to imagine a world without God?  Because I know God, I live with God around me, in me, and through me.  Because even though I fail to obey, and I do things which are contrary to God’s word, I find that the God’s grace is more than just a simple “I forgive you”, it’s a reality in which I know that no matter how I live, my God will be there for me to turn to.  Humans can turn God into so much, from a letter of the law judge, to a magic fairy who grants you everything you ever wanted.  In my experience God is neither, God is mysterious, yet personal, God is loving, yet just.

If I were to imagine a world without my God, I would see a world full of hurt, evil, injustice, greed, abuse, hunger, confusion, and chaos with no way out.  As I make the choice to draw closer to God, I see that the love, justice, freedom, life, authority are not just benefits, but are the way God shows his intense affection for me, for us.  Take away those things and it’s one big world, and a huge void.  I was in that void once before, I never want to go back.  Yet everyday I make choices which are either of the world, or of God.  When I follow God’s ways, I am fulfilled, when I choose my own, worldly way, I am sick, troubled, and empty – not because I feel some “religious guilt” but because I know what the feelings of true satisfaction in God are – they are not easily explained in words, and that satisfaction is what I live for.  If had to choose one word to try and describe it – it would be peace.

Reaching this peace requires a lot of flesh burning, a lot of humility, and in the end a lot of forgiveness.  It’s well worth it, trust me.

Giving a little

I’m being reminded throughout my days that even the small acts of giving are huge for many people.  Giving a smile, or holding the door just a moment longer, sticking your hand in a closing (old) elevator door for someone far down the hall, can speak volumes to people.  For some reason though my “default” mode of “thinking ahead” often times hinders me from catching these moments to serve and give a piece of who my God.  When I am in the right mode though, and I am thinking beyond what I need to do next, it is an amazing thing to watch how listening to God on these things opens doors into the soul of another person.  My soul thrives when I give up myself, when I choose to burn a bit of my needs for those of another, my soul thrives to water others.

Life is about God and people, and His love in ourselves and in others is what I want to focus on.  Most days though I am simply “in default mode” – my prayer is for “default” (read as doing what I’ve always done and don’t really like to do, but do it anyway) to redefined to reflect a life of giving in the little areas.

Giving

So often we talk about surrendering and giving God “everything”, yesterday on my (very long) ride home I began to think of all the possibilities of life… if I gave “everything” – it was amazing. It is frustrating to think of how it could be, and how much my selfish pride keeps me from doing it.

Many times I feel stuck due to the “responsibilites” of this world – which in a way are part of my “giving everything” – if I’m going to “give” everything I better give these responsibilites to God as well. I think giving him “everything” must include giving him our attitudes towards work, our spouses, our relationships, and all the other responsibilities – and then allowing him to work in those things – not running from them.

It’s time to surrender this stuff, to give God my worries, frustrations, and all the details – I can’t do it anyway. At the same time I have to see what he is asking and how.

Fear and Surrender

The potential of a person is not for other people to determine, it is only for other people to encourage.  Seeing a person be insecure, unable to talk, and unable to identify their own passions is something which stirs me to action.  My heart is moved and many times God’s voice clearly says “speak my truth” – the truth that all people have a purpose, and it’s more than they can imagine, and it scares them to death.  The risks involved are almost always the issue.  We can’t be stupid, we’ve been given knowledge for a reason, however, and the knowledge is a tool, not the means.  For me, faith comes into play when what I know God is asking, is impossible without Him.

Many times I realize that if I am dwelling on how God will come through, I just end up waiting longer and longer – it’s when I surrender, straight away or quickly after a quick panic, that God begins to show me/us the blessings – and usually it is in ways that I would never have done on my own.  Surrendering is the key, without surrender, it becomes a burden, and I know that once something feels like a burden I am not letting God be in control.  I have found these last few ideas to be the greatest confidence building tools for myself, and I have witnessed others take these steps and become amazing leaders as well.

Bottom line (not to be read as reducing to a pat Christian “answer”, but rather encompassing everything above into a thought producing idea for further pondering): When fear arises, what does God say?  Is it a risk to do what God asks?  When you address the fear speak with the authority you have been given (see the end of any of the Gospels and what Jesus says to the disciples, and us, the descendants)!

What I’m thinking…

One of the many reasons I don’t write on here anymore is that, as self-focused as it sounds, I think far to hard about what people may think about what I’m writing.  So, I end up canceling out any thoughts with silly weird arguments about why not to post something.  The whole idea behind this blog in the first place was simply to write about what I was thinking, about life, about God, about people, etc… But with more and more of what I (we) are doing in the future, I feel I need to filter things far more than I would like.

I suppose the challenge is that I should write in a way that I still express myself honestly, and at the same time in a way that honors the God that I so claim to follow and love.  Yet, many times the things I’m thinking about are about the disappointments of life, which are all quite real, and need to be discussed.  I know there are plenty of people who appreciate the reality, but I also know (all to well) there are people who want to “make sure God is involved” – and then there’s the “You’re going to be a missionary, right?, YES!  So, don’t you think you should be positive and focused on God… well yes… but…”  I understand these comments, I really do, and at the same time I strive to not be religious and not be giving pat, common, text-book, Christian answers.  God is far bigger than that.

So here I start on a very long, overdue, rant and soap box… however I will start with the core of my God-given heart’s desire in life….  I wrote the following and realized it was a bit convoluted, but maybe it will start some conversation, and then I can clarify with posts to address the questions and/or discussion that comes – or maybe it will just sit here and I’ll create conversation in my head and post my thoughts as I go…

The strongest passion I have for others is that they be encouraged in their walk with God, and not just in the private aspect of a relationship with God but in the ministry piece.  In fact, sometimes I wonder if our walk with God is truly full unless we are actively ministering to those around us.  I often find myself frustrated, disappointed, and concerned for the “Church” do to the apparent lack of concern for caring (ministry) to others.  Then again, I find myself equally frustrated by myself because I myself do not step up when I know that God has given me many opportunities.

So, as a person who is fully aware of what God is calling me, and my family to do, I am constantly looking for ways to encourage others to trust God, and take risks.  Many times throughout biblical stories we see the characters faced with life-changing risks.  The blessings that come from following through, and having the discipline to honor God with our decisions, are more than I could ever explain in a short posting here.

The challenge every person faces come not in the big decisions, but in the everyday decisions, the choices that are presented to us when we first greet our co-workers in the morning, or how we engage in conversation with our peers.  Yet there are so many forces which drive our interactions with those around us, everything from how our parents treated us, how “popular” we were in school, to poor choices and uncontrollable life circumstances that eat at our soul and take us off track.

Most of what I write is simply me processing the events that I witness, in the Church and outside the Church, as I see people of all statuses and of all walks I am humbled to know God as I do.  I am challenged each day with the ideas of why has God given us, my family,  the joy of having such amazing family and friends…. while others are seemingly aloof, floating around in this world without any connection points.   Then I am reminded that it was because someone, at some point, obeyed God, and reached out, took a while to minister to someone, who did the same, who eventually ministered to me, and the same to Alexis.

I thank God for those that have this discipline, this passion, for I am eternally grateful.  I wish to not be like these people because of these great things, I wish to do these things because our God has an amazing and wonderful life to give us, when we surrender to him.  This is the heart of everything I am, want to be, and will be.  I have nothing to be discouraged by, as long as I am choosing to obey and discipline myself… even then God’s grace is sufficient if I fail to meet “the mark”.

Let those that have ears hear.  May those in the Church be encouraged to take the risks, the “lost” have the choice, only if they experience it though, we also have a choice – but I’m not so sure we can easily forget (that voice is pretty consistent) when we choose to ignore it.

My “sex talk” meets Jesus

By the way I’m still following Josh’s series – awesome stuff still going on over there…  Visit the latest entry.

After endearing years of sexual confusion, and misidentification, God would use one of the few heterosexual attractions in my life to lead me to Him.  This young lady that I had a crush on, had an encounter with God in 1998, and all throughout my Junior year in high school I would be invited to Church – never taking the invitation seriously.  However, in spring of 1999 I decided to attend a service, only to find out that she had a boyfriend…  

The message that day was about grace – and that we were free to receive it at anytime… it hit a spot inside me, I wasn’t sure why, but it did.  I imagine that the years of confusion, the struggles with my sexuality, and the deepest parts of me wanted to be free of the things that I knew deep down were not right.  Later that year, in the summer, I would be caught up in God’s full grace and have a heart knowledge awareness of it – during the song “Step by step” I could not stop myself from agreeing with the lyrics – I decided that day to let him lead my way – although I had no idea what that would mean.

Did I stop feeling homosexual desires?  – No.  Did I stop masturbating? – No.  Did I understand His grace – No… do I understand it today? – Nope.

What I experienced that day though was the mystery of God – that his grace is unending, that even when I make the conscience decision to disobey, to walkout a fantasy, His grace takes me to a new level of love that only God himself provides.  In these past ten years, I have received grace beyond any understanding.  Each time I fall, I fall harder into His love, and deeper into Him.

My sexuality is deeply connected to who God is to me, it is the core of where he dwells for me, and it is out of this wound, this past, which much of who I am today comes from.  He has redeemed it, to be the instrument in which He uses me to speak from, to live from, and yet it is still the thorn in my side.  The marriage bed has been incredibly healing and incredibly frustrating – that’s my next installment.