Life – Page 3 – No Small Talk

Online and under the surface

One of the things that I struggle with each time I attempt to post something on here is the idea of “how deep” do I go with my ideas. It’s more of an internal struggle, for the most part I get positive feedback on my deepest personal posts, but there’s always the fear in the back of my mind that is waiting for the day I get bit by something I write. I hate “small talk”, I hate being shallow, and I hate feeling stuck to “surface” talk, both online and in real life – which many times keeps me from even going far with new people I meet, or with people at work. I always feel awkward writing or talking at the surface level… I want to go under the surface.

Then there’s “what’s appropriate” – I have a lot of different ideas, concerning the church, life, and viewpoints on everything around those two subjects. Some things I feel are safe to write about, other things can be tricky, especially when it comes to items where I could possibly finger point or accidentally (by means of elimination) gossip or spill the beans about someone that shouldn’t/doesn’t need to be spilled.

No matter what I write I always write with the notion of encouraging, challenging, and/or thought provoking – never to separate, split off, or slander another idea and/or tradition. While at times I may write something that seems out of line, it is most likely me trying to process something and see what the broader community thinks. In the end I want to love all people, believers of Jesus, and non-believers of Jesus. I want to challenge both groups into thinking of God both everything we think we know him as, and everything that we don’t yet know. I believe in the Bible and that it is the truth, but I also believe we can apply that truth differently than we have in years and generations past.

Just a random thought, hopefully to get my brain going on writing some more. You can be praying that I step out and not worry about what others might think – I can always clarify if there is a misunderstanding. I hate being misunderstood and that is another thing that blocks me sometimes – fear of being misunderstood… kinda silly when I think about it – God knows my heart, and that’s what matters.

Sexaholism…Another one from the tracks

Some more thoughts from my commute home, I’ll fix up the post from a computer later.

Ever since the tent incident, I have struggled with the desire for sexual pleasure outside of marriage. Learning about this kind of “on-demand” pleasure set me up for much confusion, some of which continues to this day. For me the pleasure was escape, escape from the constant voice that said I was not important, not cool, and not needed. However, as I turned to masturbation and lived from fantasy to fantasy I just could not get the same level of pleasure.

I began using the Internet for playing out all kinds of fantasies. The “friend” from the tent also would use fantasy ideas on me, and I would unwillingly allow it to happen. Overtime I found myself hating and desiring all of it. I questioned my sexual orientation for years, with my heart desiring women and my flesh desiring the fantasies.

From 12 years old to 20, I never told a single soul of my struggles nor of the events that took place. I felt trapped. Around the age of 15, the “friend” finally disappeared from my life and I thank God that I never actually tried to live out any of the fantasies or pursue anything with anyone else.

So how would I get to the place that I am today? It all started 10 years ago… but I’ll have to write that tomorrow – Next stop: Gresham City Hall, one more stop to go.

In the beginning -there was sex and more

So I was debating on writing today, but seeing as I am on the Max that had a 10 min delay due to mechanical issues on the train ahead of us – I’ll write something. I am writing this from my phone and so expect some grammar and spelling issues.

Following up on yesterday’s post, I want to go deeper into the “why” behind my first feelings. Why did I feel shame and guilt at this first sexual experience? Why would that happen?

I have often thought about this because I did not grow up in a strict Christian household. Nonetheless, sex simply wasn’t talked about and most of what I had learned up to that point was all scholastic, simply informational “sex education” as the State of Washington had required. Some of my feelings I believe were culturally ingrained, small town, some of it just ignorance, and the rest natural.

Even before I had any kind of tangible relationship with God, I had an awareness of Him. I remember that first sexual encounter as feeling overall wrong. I believe it was God’s small voice and the fact that it didn’t feel natural, but/and all at the same time it was very natural. So why all this confusion? Because the pleasure was natural and good, but the relationship was wrong. God made me, and all of us, so much more than just someone’s personal pleasure-servant.

Because deep down I wanted to be accepted by my peers, my “friends”, I would do whatever for this. I would lie just to save face, and I would do things, and participate in things that I perceived as a way to gain acceptance. The events that took place in that tent were only the beginning of nearly 5 years of sexual encounters with the same friend. I never felt right about it, but always desired it. I hated it and wanted it. This “friend” would constantly ask me to do new things, always for him, and always denying me outside of the events.

Then one day, about 4 and a half years into this, it happened – he completely rejected me calling me gay, unwanted, and threatening to use it as blackmail if I ever said anything. But then a month later he “invited” me to a lakefront cabin.

Adam and Eve had sex, fully aware of God’s presence… This is the significant difference that I am now rebuilding into my sexuality. It has taken over a decade of processing to even begin to feel sexually at peace.

Where to begin with sex

I have been following Josh’s blog series on Sex and have fully enjoyed every word written. When it comes to the ideas revolving around human sexuality I have so many places I could go with it. As many things in my life these days it is hard to know where to start, as nothing anymore is black and white. So, I decided to start with the most logical beginning I could think of – a chorographical story of my sex life. I’ll spring into different sub-topics as we walk along the path.

The following is simply my own personal observations, experiences, and feelings at the time of the said events. Some of the events may be described in details that some may find offensive, I include them so the depth of reality can be reached. Because sexuality can have so many connotations, both inside and outside the American Christian culture I simply ask just one thing of my readers, don’t add nor subtract from my words. If something doesn’t make sense or you want clarification – all you need to do is ask – don’t assume, presume, nor fill in the blanks. I will be writing in small chunks for the short attention span readers out there.

My first experience with sexuality came around the age of 12, in a tent in the backyard of a friend’s house. This friend was a couple of years older than I was, I remember him asking me “Do you masturbate”… I think I said yes, only because I had heard of it, but didn’t really know what it was. He proceeded to undress himself and ask me to give him a “hand job” – which I had no idea what he meant, I think he thought I was afraid or something and so instead, he grabbed my hand, and said “like this” and proceeded to demonstrate what he wanted me to do to him. I distinctly remember having this feeling of utter, guilt, confusion, fear, and curiosity all at the same time. After he was satisfied, he then proceeded to “help” me experience my first orgasm by way of a hand job as well. The whole incident laid the groundwork for my sex life. At the time, I was not sure why I felt what I felt, there were strong feelings, both good and bad, there was shame, and there was pleasure.

The feelings I associated that day I believe stem from my ignorance at the time (not having sexual advice, ideas, nor values passed down to me) and from my own insecurity as a pre-teen that put all my identity into what other’s thought of me. More on those last two points later on, for now we can just dwell on this first sexual encounter and mull over those thoughts.

Hitting the edge

I’m really frustrated with a lot of things right now, there are a lot of loose ends in my life right now. Some if it is lack of communication, another part is simply feeling like I’m doing “all the work” in a number of areas, and lastly just the lack of time due to working full-time, having a family, and balancing ministry all at the same time. None of these areas are in any kind of bad shape, it’s just that I am personally finding myself on the edge, annoyed, and generally moody.

Thankfully I feel God’s hand in all of this and have an understanding that I would have had a few years ago. Yet at the same time my flesh still wants to freak out, and I’m easily irritated. There are many times where I feel like I just don’t have the outlet to vent, either because it’s inappropriate (meaning not the right people to talk with), or just emotionally draining. Alexis gets the brunt of this, which just makes me more upset, it’s probably all a case of “being drained” which I hate to admit.

I love what I do, when I’m doing it – but the preparation, admin work, and the lack of time due to this season we are in, is hard to stay on top of. There are some friends I wish I could spend a lot more time with in these kind of seasons, and that is probably the area I’m feeling the most “drained” in. Alexis is being amazing and understanding, and is doing amazing herself, work is providing all kinds of accomplishment, the ministry pieces are growing and showing fruit. Personally I just need to take some time to myself, without feeling like I’m taking away from one of these other areas – which in reality isnt’ true, because if I don’t invest in myself, the other areas will fall apart too.

This is the last night.

This is my last night, because God is challenging me to new depths, this is the last night, because God is asking me to take up what I have and do something with it.

Tonight’s message was thought provoking and Spirit encouraging. God is in the bussiness of growing us closer to Him.

I’ve been fighting a decent amount of fear, stress, and overall the feeling of “not being understood”. Nearly all of it relates to my calling, Poland, Pastoring, Mentoring, Speaking, and just about everything in between.

I’m being challenged to “just do it”. I’m looking for affirmation in all the wrong places, the only place I’ll see it, and I’ve ever had it, is in Jesus. He’s ordered it, and he will see to it that he gets it.

That’s not what I meant!

Have you ever had a meeting with someone, someone important in your life, like a boss, mentor, maybe a parent, or pastor, that after you left the meeting you said to yourself “dang I should have said this or that” or “why did I say that!” and you just can’t stop thinking about it?

Well that’s me these past few weeks.. I was asked the question “what other kinds of things do you see yourself doing in the future”? I replied with the strangest answers… only one was something I have a small passion for (writing), the rest was just filler, it wasn’t anything that I really would have liked to do, except just “vocational” things. The truth is, my heart, my passion, and dare I say “calling” is in pastoral ministry.

After listening to the message tonight at church I’ve realized that I’ve let some of my fears prevent me from confidently walking in this calling. Yes, I’m leading in a number of areas, and yes we plan on going to Poland in about two years for full time vocational ministry – yet, why didn’t I say that? I think it’s because to say it to someone that is important in my life is like getting your driving license, or stepping foot on a university campus for the first time as a student – it “makes it real”.

Of course I can’t just self-declare this kind of thing, but I can align my life to it by having faith in what God has called me to, and not shying away for fear that “man” won’t accept it. Man will because God has called it, but nothing will happen unless I walk it out first.

PS. We’re looking for 467 people to donate $15, what’s a few Starbucks drinks?