Getting it all out

I think It’s about time that I spoke freely. I’ve been in a very dry place these past few months, in fact you could say I have been in the desert place. I have not felt much through all of this except a low level of constant frustration and the feeling of “not fitting.” I’ve been standing on the voice of truth, and it is only that which has kept me here.

Back in the fall, just a month or two after my arrival here in Poland I got homesick. This homesickness was not for any kind of thing, but it was the longing to be with friends that I know could talk through my concerns with. Life as a Christian is pretty hard here in comparison to what I left. I know that if it were not for the prayers of my great friends back in Seattle I would have lost it and gone home. Thankfully God provided the means for me to get an Internet phone and I’ve been able to talk to all of these friends and counselors.

I cam here to depend on God and learn more about Him, God had called me to depend on him and Poland is what he provided. However, I have learned much more than just dependence on God; I have learned freedom, purity, confidence, humility, perseverance and much more. Yet the number one thing I have experienced is intimacy with the Lord Jesus himself. You see, the one thing I hated the most, has happened the most here, lots of spare time and no one to spend it with. God has taught, and is still teaching me how to have fellowship with Him. The emptiness I have been feeling has more to do with me not seeking Him in these times of loneliness than it does with me simply not having fellowship.

Personally, I have wanted to go home countless times, I have wanted to see Mt. Rainier come out and just slip away into my comfortable little routine. Many times, I have thought, and on occasion have said out loud, I just want to be in Heaven. This is not who I want to be, I feel defeated in a way, but in another I feel like I am on the brink of rediscovering God.

On to another subject, God has been revealing quite a few things to me. It would take up too much time to explain it all so I will simply list them all so you can pray about them. I know God’s word is what I need to be seeking to find the meaning of each of these and I know in time it will all make sense. Hindsight is always 20/20.

  • On April 25th God spoke directly into my heart via Marc and Kathy Shaw, it was a strong urge that I (and Alexis) will be used to do something in Poland. I cried for almost an hour while listening, it moved me because they are so passionate in what they do and I want to be just as passionate. They will be pasturing in Portland, OR after serving 16 years in Europe, I had never heard them nor read much about them before that day, but I have enormous respect for them and I will miss them.
  • On April 26th the director of Foursquare Missions International deemed our work in Poland as official, and apologized for all the bureaucracy we had faced earlier. I am now in the process of becoming a mission team specialist.
  • On April 27th the calling of the Lord was confirmed when Alexis revealed to me that serving in the field has always been on her heart.
  • On May 15th I ran our first men’s morning “retreat”, I blew it big time, I didn’t even use scripture, and by God’s grace it was pulled off. However, God used it as a great learning time and confirmed through the words of a pastor who was here from Poland that I will be used by God in a teaching role. I still have a very hard time with this, I don’t consider myself any kind of public speaker nor someone who can get enough respect to be listened to, but that is God’s work not mine.
  • On May 16th The Californian pastor got an impression for me, “start living as if you were married.” This was scary and in many ways contradictory to my own set boundaries for my relationship with Alexis. However, it became clear, it wasn’t the duties that I start living, it was the responsibility that I should live out. I am still trying to grasp it all.

Currently I am experiencing many doubts to all of these things above. I have been trying too hard to understand them but I have also not done much reading of scripture nor prayer to hear form God on them. I am also not feeling to well physically and spiritually I feel bi-polar. I think simplification of my life is coming. That’s all folks.