food for fish | encouragment
About me
Pseudo Military Dream
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Back in October I had a very strange dream that I was going to share on here, and well, sadly, I’ve once again neglected this little space of the Internet that I own. So, without further ado I’ll give a play-by-play account of this dream. Any dream interpreters out there?
ACT I
Now either this first part was a completely separate dream, or just a strange seemingly unrelated beginning…. it starts out with me, my daughter, and my bride at my parents house with the rest of my mom’s family for some kind of holiday get together, suddenly my Grandma says she needs to take care of some animals, Alexis volunteers to help her, and they take off.
ACT II
I get up and go, and am walking around with an ex-coworker (who at the time was a current coworker) at some kind of semi-festival, we watch watch as a group of pseudo military guys and girls in uniform do some kind of very rehearsed routine of choreographed exercises (like a cross between a high school color guard and dance team). They stop and we realize the group just learned these routines an hour or so before, and it’s some kind of competition.
My coworker talks me into doing this, and so I volunteer for the next round (knowing there wasn’t much time until the next round starts), while changing into the uniform I run out of time, but I wasn’t told there was a time limit, or missed the memo, I get yelled at by a drill Sargent kind of guy in public, who continues to humiliate me while I frantically change back into my regular clothes. I’m upset and embarrassed, and frustrated at myself.
ACT IV
After quickly changing back into my own clothes we appear to located right next to some kind of cafeteria, in this cafeteria we run into Alexis (my bride), a friend of hers, and some other friend of my coworker. Also in the cafeteria is an old family member who Alexis and I haven’t had a lot of contact with due to some relational upheaval in recent years, this causes us to say our hellos and “miss ya” then be on our way.
ACT V
We all (minus the old family member) decide to leave, and apparently the only way “out” is on a ferry boat, a passenger only ferry. As we are waiting in line, Alexis and her friend are talking and having fun, not paying much attention (nor even really near me and the guys). I’m beginning to get sexually advanced on by my coworker (who, in no way, in real life ever even hinted at such a thing) and his friend (also male, but unknown to me) – they are serious about talking me into a threesome… immediately I think about stuff from my youth, and decide this isn’t going to happen again.
As the ferry approaches, we all begin to board, and I decide to run and get as far away from these guys as possible. As I run aboard the ship, I run for the bow (we boarded at the stern), turns out there’s a five-star restaurant at the front, and I must sit down NOW, or else by kicked out. So I sit down, soon I learn all the patrons are AIDS victims from all over the world (probably about 50 people). I order a meal, eat it, then excuse myself and find my wife and her friend in another section of the boat, sit down and tell them about the AIDS victims, we pray (I don’t remember what the prayer was about), then I wake up.
No performance
04 months ago
One thing that I lose sight of so often is the awesomeness in the fact that I don’t have to perform, anything, at all, zero, for God. All I need to do is love Him and let Him love me. It’s in His love that I find discipline, repentance, forgiveness, humility, and servitude. To enjoy God in this way is great, but when I get pulled into the “faith by works” cycle it’s no wonder I lose who I am… there’s no freedom.
The worse place for me to feel the performance preasure is the “God talks” with co-workers, for some reason the performance button gets pushed, normally I play it cool, but I certainly don’t feel the anointing, or power, or eloquence that I do in other parts of my life. This performance button turns on fear too, it’s all tied together.
Time to relax, remember who I am, and know I can have the same confidence I have with my “job” as I do with my call. I didn’t gain that confidence over night, but I know that it’s here in me. Some prayer, some truth, and some worship for this area of my walk and I’ll be good to go… or at least falling forward!
The trouble thoughts
04 months ago
It’s always so much “fun” recovering from days where the performance button is pushed. Today was like that for me, nothing major, but just a few minor mistakes leading me to feel frustrated with myself.
In an environment with multiple simultaneous demands, interruptions, and the need for accuracy to save my poor co-workers from confusion and frustration, I have a hard time hitting the spot all the time. Worst of all is when it happens multiple times.
The trick in these scenarios is stepping into the truth that I’m just human, mistakes happen, I’ll slow down, make adjustments where needed and move on. My identity is not tied to my performance, this is a truth that is FAR harder to live out, and it’s one that I encounter all the time. If I want an easy way to stress out, be mad, be more frustrated, and treat poeple as non-human, it’s forgetting this vital truth.
When I get in the groove of performance then I actually start making more mistakes, covering them up, making excuses, and really just cause more problems. It’s a huge snow ball effect, one I don’t recommended….
My identity, and the original and true identity of all, is within the Kingdom, where Jesus says we are his children, and by that alone we are righteous, pure, and good. Getting into the Kingdom is not a performance game, so living as a citizen of His Kingdom requires nothing but unconditionally loving Him, loving others, and loving myself.
The stifled drive
17 months ago
This is a continuation of my last post, after a few days of mulling things over I have realized one of the core frustration points in my life… I feel stifled… unfortunately (as is usually the case) I’m not in control (heh, that seems to be how this world is set up). However, I have given these frustrations a lot of thought and prayer and have come to terms with them. I have huge dreams and hopes to make a difference in this world, I don’t really care to be “someone” remembered, I just want to consistently make a difference in people’s lives. I have put a lot of my hopes, dreams, and ambitions into pleasing others – that’s not my goal, so that’s my first term to a different direction. Recently, a friend of mine has been encouraging the boldness factor in me, I find boldness from time to time, I just wish I could sustain it. Too often my boldness disappears because I don’t like to argue, and many times it seems most people just want to go on without seeing another side – so I think to myself “what’s the point of trying.”
I guess part of the issue is that it takes a lot of energy to actually care, the funny thing with me is that I care so much, that I exhaust myself “caring” before I can even express the love. This is when I feel stifled, caring so much, wanting to see a difference, but after witnessing so many not wanting to listen, or truly care themselves, I have become jaded. I don’t want to throw pearls at swine, I guess all to often I figure that’s the category people are in… the swine pit… that’s not very caring now is it? This whole debacle is a classic trap of “the enemy”, get me to think/fear one thing, so I can’t live out my passions, so I become frustrated and “unable” live out the Kingdom.
So this entirely outlines the need for a close relationship to God, for the inter-dependency of the Church to help us be connected with reality, and for the honest to God humility of one’s heart. There’s a lot stored up in me right now, but do the above stated “frustration” I feel stuck – however, I have access to a solution – it’s God’s restart button – MERCY and GRACE. I don’t have to worry about my thoughts from the past, I can start over today and act according to my passion and call today, sure it might make some heads turn (especially my wife) – but I can explain it, walk away from the shame, and move on. This is the beauty of living as a child of God, saved by the Son, and living in his kingdom.
My confliction
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Life is like a brick wall sometimes. No parking for my thoughts.
Simply put, the reason I rarely write much these days is because I have been suffering from my own self-diagnosed “writer’s constipation.” Yes, I know, gross. However, there’s a lot going on in my life, and honestly, when I think about writing about any of it there is just so much to “dance” around that I’m afraid I’ll just bore people attempting to provide all the “necessary” details just so that I feel people are “ok” with my thoughts.
Yes, basically, I’m attempting to please people. This is so stifling… I hate it when people mis-understand, mis-read, or mis-interpret me… or jump to conclusions… and the worse is the stereo-type. So, I think I’m going to begin changing things around this little corner of the internet I call my “blog” and simply remind people, this is a conversation, and no one is right or wrong – not even me. Let’s just start there, and stop the small talk.
Nearly 12 years
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This picture is one of the earliest pictures I have (digitally) of myself. It was taken in the late summer of 2002, about three years after I declared Jesus as Lord of my life. The other people in the picture are still very dear to me, even though I almost never talk with them anymore. When we visit the Seattle area we attempt (if time allows) to connect, which seems to be less and less as time and life go on. So the the main reason I’m writing this is because over the last 12 years of living this dedicated life I’ve always felt “giving up” just wasn’t a choice for me, in so many ways… little did I know how often this would be tested.
I could write a long entry about all the events of the last 12 years, and all the times I felt like calling this “Christianity” stuff quits. There’s a lot, a lot of times where people let me down, or I was being selfish, or times where seemingly the Church was just rather mediocre and I was upset. That basically sums up a lot of the “tests” where I had a decision to “give up” or march on through with the values that I knew were important to God, in some way, shape or form, where I had to truly look at the realities and truly realize that God and people are not the same… and also come to the realization that God expresses himself mainly through humanity… which by it’s very definition means there will be failure, let down, and many opportunities to “exit” “rightfully” (to put it in standard American mentality form).
Somewhere along the line I learned that God is always there, even in people who fail me, in situations that seem impossible, and most of all, times where I failed myself. I have many people to thank who gracefully, along the way, pointed me in the right direction, speaking wisdom from their lives, and listened to God. I also have a big thanks to God for placing His spirit in me, allowing me to hear his voice, when I choose. It’s these “little things” that have sustained me over these 12 years. Again I’m not sure what this entry is really about, I’m just pontificating… I guess…
The bottom line to this whole thing is that I am so saddened when people just walk away from Christ, when they just can’t see the difference between humanity and God – when, they get let down so hard and no one seemingly has any idea what to do. Again, there’s always the fine line of “how far do we go”. So often I think many of us don’t take risks, but for me, I’ll continue taking the risks, because I know Jesus is there – even when I get knocked out, I know He’ll get me back up again… and I’ll be more wise and ready the next time around.
The (sorry long, but exactly who I know I am) verses that sum up the identity that I believe every follow of Christ should know without any doubt:
Romans 8:22-39
22 For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us. 24 We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hopet for it. 25 But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.)
26 And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. 27 And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. 28 And we know that God causes everything to work togethert for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. 29 For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30 And having chosen them, he called them to come to him. And having called them, he gave them right standing with himself. And having given them right standing, he gave them his glory.
31 What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? 32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 33 Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. 34 Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.
35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Some things to write about…
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Since I can’t seem to make a decision on what I want to write on, I’ll at least make a list of things I want to write about. This way when I finally get a little motivation, I’ll be able to pick from the list quickly… normally my motivation and my ideas don’t come at the same time.
- Assumptions freeze grace
- My creed as aligned with “the creed”
- The future holds?
- When all else fails…
- Truth in the face of “failure”
Now, the idea is that when I feel motivated to write something I’ll have a good list of “jump starts” now – I hope. I enjoy writing, but for many different reason I have a lot of road blocks and “well I really shouldn’t because….” I’m hoping this helps – most of it is my own fears of how my words “might be taken”… oh the “people pleaser” in me… ugh…
Stuck in “small talk” mode.
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I can’t seem to gather my thoughts recently, at least not in anything longer than 140 characters… and even that sometimes is hard. I have too many expectations and “filters” in place. There are some things I’m excited about, and then there are some things that I just don’t have control over, that I have hope about. The things I’m excited about seem “blocked” by the things I don’t have control over, which makes for a very patient existence. I also don’t like small talk, which is just about all I feel like I can actually share without causing too much trouble. However I think there are some safe topics I can share if I really put my mind to it. Some things that will help me be more me, and less in the “box” that I keep feeling. I just need to hang on to the motivation… and not be distracted by the “small talk” stuff.
Gone stale…
012 months ago
I’ve let this Blog go stale… my bad. Honestly this is because I think too much about the (possible) reactions of others. It’s a catch 22, because I want interaction but I don’t want to be misunderstood or labled. A lot of assumptions are made when people read things…. or may just the large chunk of people who like to over-react (without gathering facts or at least attempting to have some kind of compassion for fellow humanity) on comments all over the web.
So my stale-ness is due to fear of being rejected…. ok I’ve admitted that… when will this beast just go away. It wont I need to allow it to be slain, and there’s only one person I know who can slain beasts like that.
More will come… soon!
Values
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I like to have a review of my values from time to time. Many times values and priorities can be a little hard to separate yet I’ll just go with the flow and figure out the priorities later.
This is not an exhaustive list, rather this is more of a evaluation if certain spoken or desired values that I would like to make priority and be more intentional about.
Life with God: Currently I’m enjoying a good continuous conversation with God but I’m not including him in every aspect.
Marriage: The past 6 months have introduced a lot of fantastic things, feeling like we have a stronger friendship is one of the best pieces. I would like to see myself feeling more natural about it, but I guess having to think about it and be intentional has its benefits.
Church: This is probably the most lacking for me right now. While we are “there” on a very regular basis the community aspect of it seems harder and harder to live out due to people being so insanly busy that organic family-like community is hard to work out. We’ll be joining a small group soon and I have a lot of ideas and ideology that may be hard to not expect.
Humanity: Still very much stuck on living a life of compassion giving… our society culture do not cultivate the humananity focused and compassion I feel. God is people focused, why aren’t we?
More laters ….
