On to the dream!

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Nine years ago not only did I find my wife, I was also walking into an adventure of a lifetime I never dreamed of being part of… living in Poland. It was nine years ago that I was fundraising to live in Poland for a year, never in a thousand years did I imagine nine years later we would be support raising again, only this time it’s for an entire family and for an indefinite period. Time will change any person, and there’s nothing we can do to stop it. Some friends of ours recently were just launched into their own adventure, except for them it’s to another “P” country, the Philippines, but they had no idea even nine months before!

We have a long ways to go before we are launched, having to raise all of our support (unless by a miracle I end up with the ability to work remotely) adds a lot onto the preparation time. During this time we have to attempt to self-teach ourselves Polish, including teaching Emma, as well as live our “normal” lives here, work, school, church… At times it is a huge burden and I either want to have a “magic” wand waved to get wake up in Kraków, or just run away from the idea and finally “start” our lives. For so long it has seemed we are in limbo, but as we look back and see each of the turns, valleys, and mountains we have climbed, we see God’s fingerprints all over the “evidence” and know He’s getting us there – one way, or another.

2010 was a valley year, 2011 was a mountain climbing year, and 2012, not sure yet – and we need to be OK with that. So for those that read this, continue to keep us in your prayers, we see the field, and we know the workers are few, our hearts are steadfast but our body and mind’s weary.

I’ve got a travel bug!

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I have a huge travel bug right now, I really just want to go somewhere outside of the Pacific Northwest – if we had the money, we would be heading to Poland for a wedding on November 5th, but unfortunately we are shy of the $2,500 needed for airfare to get our family there – not to mention other travel expenses.  It makes us sad we can’t go… really sad.

I’ve had a couple of work-related trip opportunities but turned them down due to other scheduling issues, I’m hoping to have at least a few more before the end of the year – most so I can move up to the next mileage program status!  But also, because I have a huge itch to just go somewhere, explore something new, see and taste new things.  I love traveling, even when it gets all messed up.  Please God, send me somewhere… dare I saw “anywhere!”?

The picture above was from our visit to Poland just after our Honeymoon in 2006.  Wizzair is a no-frills budget airline that operates flights to/from Eastern Europe, this photo was taken as we were about to board our flight to Frankfurt after a couple of weeks in Poland.

No performance

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One thing that I lose sight of so often is the awesomeness in the fact that I don’t have to perform, anything, at all, zero, for God. All I need to do is love Him and let Him love me. It’s in His love that I find discipline, repentance, forgiveness, humility, and servitude. To enjoy God in this way is great, but when I get pulled into the “faith by works” cycle it’s no wonder I lose who I am… there’s no freedom.

The worse place for me to feel the performance preasure is the “God talks” with co-workers, for some reason the performance button gets pushed, normally I play it cool, but I certainly don’t feel the anointing, or power, or eloquence that I do in other parts of my life. This performance button turns on fear too, it’s all tied together.

Time to relax, remember who I am, and know I can have the same confidence I have with my “job” as I do with my call. I didn’t gain that confidence over night, but I know that it’s here in me. Some prayer, some truth, and some worship for this area of my walk and I’ll be good to go… or at least falling forward!

The stifled drive

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This is a continuation of my last post, after a few days of mulling things over I have realized one of the core frustration points in my life… I feel stifled… unfortunately (as is usually the case) I’m not in control (heh, that seems to be how this world is set up). However, I have given these frustrations a lot of thought and prayer and have come to terms with them. I have huge dreams and hopes to make a difference in this world, I don’t really care to be “someone” remembered, I just want to consistently make a difference in people’s lives.  I have put a lot of my hopes, dreams, and ambitions into pleasing others – that’s not my goal, so that’s my first term to a different direction. Recently, a friend of mine has been encouraging the boldness factor in me, I find boldness from time to time, I just wish I could sustain it.  Too often my boldness disappears because I don’t like to argue, and many times it seems most people just want to go on without seeing another side – so I think to myself “what’s the point of trying.”

I guess part of the issue is that it takes a lot of energy to actually care, the funny thing with me is that I care so much, that I exhaust myself “caring” before I can even express the love.  This is when I feel stifled, caring so much, wanting to see a difference, but after witnessing so many not wanting to listen, or truly care themselves, I have become jaded.  I don’t want to throw pearls at swine, I guess all to often I figure that’s the category people are in… the swine pit… that’s not very caring now is it?  This whole debacle is a classic trap of “the enemy”, get me to think/fear one thing, so I can’t live out my passions, so I become frustrated and “unable” live out the Kingdom.

So this entirely outlines the need for a close relationship to God, for the inter-dependency of the Church to help us be connected with reality, and for the honest to God humility of one’s heart.  There’s a lot stored up in me right now, but do the above stated “frustration” I feel stuck – however, I have access to a solution – it’s God’s restart button – MERCY and GRACE.  I don’t have to worry about my thoughts from the past, I can start over today and act according to my passion and call today, sure it might make some heads turn (especially my wife) – but I can explain it, walk away from the shame, and move on.  This is the beauty of living as a child of God, saved by the Son, and living in his kingdom.

Gone stale…

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I’ve let this Blog go stale… my bad. Honestly this is because I think too much about the (possible) reactions of others. It’s a catch 22, because I want interaction but I don’t want to be misunderstood or labled. A lot of assumptions are made when people read things…. or may just the large chunk of people who like to over-react (without gathering facts or at least attempting to have some kind of compassion for fellow humanity) on comments all over the web.

So my stale-ness is due to fear of being rejected…. ok I’ve admitted that… when will this beast just go away. It wont I need to allow it to be slain, and there’s only one person I know who can slain beasts like that.

More will come… soon!

Lunch time thoughts

I can’t wait until certain things are “official” – then I’ll be fairly free to write about all the amazing, cool, great, fantastic things going on… But until then – I’ll just have to wait, and you too.  So right now I’ll just post some random thoughts from my quick lunch “break”.

  • I can’t wait to someday live in the center of a city, I am a urban dweller by heart.
  • I have a huge travel bug in me right now, although we were just on a trip, I want to take a trip to some far away city somewhere.
  • Cars are not what people really think they are – you know how much I get done while riding the bus or train – A LOT.  Sure, slightly slower at times, and not “always” there – but the potential is there for amazing livability without cars.  I know some places “need” cars, maybe we should think about how we live and move around?
  • When thinking about the Church and ministry, and living a Christian life, I’ve got a lot of thoughts on that… just not sure where to start… maybe I shouldn’t care where I start?
  • Emma is growing SOOO fast, and I can’t seem to see her enough!
  • Alexis and I are working on a big idea… can’t wait to reveal it.

Thanks, that’s pretty much it for now – much more after “details” go official.

New job and open doors

About a month ago I began thinking about why I had so much anxiety in regards to work, while I like the job, the tasks, that I do for my current employer, I really did not see any opportunity to move forward, not that I would with just about two years to go before the big move, but there wasn’t even the ability to move laterally and do something different if I felt like it.  Then some decisions and issues with the company began happening, shortly after our return from Kraków in October – and these things just added to the list, all of it in the area of employee-care -basically there was none.

I began praying and asking God for an open door, I didn’t post my resume anywhere, I didn’t knock on every IT firm out there – I simply prayed and God reminded me of one place…

So, I checked out a company that one of my former co-workers (form my current employer) is working for now.  And they had a position listed on their website – so I applied.  I contacted my old co-worker and he gave me a good reference – a few days later I had an interview, then a week later a final interview with the CEO.  On Saturday they gave me an offer, I counter offered (too much of a pay-cut even with the benefits being so much better) they came back with a very reasonable offer.  So starting on December 5th (strange a Friday, but gives me a good full week of real work instead of HR stuff) I will be employed by Smarsh, look at their website to get an idea of what they do.

Finish life update – back to the regularly scheduled program – oh wait – there hasn’t been any.

Preasure mounting

All of this ridiculousness going on in our friends lives’ is beginning to drain my energy, the only thing I feel like doing is worshipping with all my heart, screaming out my fears, my sorrow, and my concern for our dear friends.  Right now to find a simple joy would be nice.  We know there are far worse things in the world, and some of our friends are experiencing those things, Alexis and I are humbled by each event, praising God for his goodness and sovereignty.  There isn’t much anyone can say or do in these kinds of circumstances except pray.  My heart is heavy, my soul is anxious, my spirit is thirsty, and my mind is confused.

This morning I fell.

This morning I fell. I feel like I’m in a trap which is impossible to get out of. The temptation is just too great. For I know my father has given me the power to remove myself, but I myself, keep falling. I know it is wrong when making the choice. I justify it in my mind, but my heart refuses to justify it. For on my heart is written right and wrong.

Then I fell again. I know I should just get up and go, but I’m too lazy, and the bed is much to warm. The clock says it is 58, in my room! So I sit there, letting all kinds of thoughts enter my head. Finally after I fall, I remove myself and get ready for the day, I was suppose to be at work by 7:00am, but I left for work at 9:40am. Why do I do this, because I’m lazy and have no one to question where I am.

On my way to work, I beat myself up for these fallings. Soon after, the CD I’m listening to runs out, and the next one comes on. It is worship, and it reminds me that I am forgiven; I need to forgive myself. Although I continue to repeat this pattern of “morning” sickness, I also know that my Father will forgive me. When I get to work, I take up my list of things to do, and I do them, and I actually try to not shortcut like I’ve been doing recently. I’ve been wanting to do my tasks as if I’m doing them for the Lord, but I find myself in a zone when I arrive at work.

I need to be accountable, that is why I have started this Blog. I have created a “virtual” accountability. For anyone who wants to read this, hold me accountable. If you read this, and see other patterns which do not fit into Christ’s character, please feel free to tell me, for we are in this journey only to become closer to Christ, and more like him. We are also in this journey to share the love of Christ to others, and to do that, we need to be challenged.

.: prayers, prayer requests :.

Lord you are the most high, nothing can be put higher than you! Even your name is the most awesome thing known to man. I ask all that follows in your name…

I have been writing drafts of my support letter for my mission trip to Poland. I am having anxiety over the response of my co-workers and some of my family. I pray for people to understand the joy I hope to show the young adults of Poland.

I pray for my “fellowship” of friends, I pray that they continue to seek and to know God as he is.

I pray for one particular friend, I ask for this friend to be overwhelmed by God’s presence. I pray for direction, and for this friend to see the love of friendship, although it may hurt right now.

I pray for another specific friend, I ask for direction in relationships and in self esteem.

I pray for my family, to ask and to know that HE IS GOD. To find his love, hope, and joy.

I pray for me and all of my brothers and sisters of Christ Jesus, that the Holy Spirit take control, fan the flames within our souls, take control, strong fire burn, burn deep within our souls.

Lord, I ask for change… change our bad habits. I repent of the sins I’ve done, you know my heart Lord, it is steadfast for you oh Lord, but I keep on falling into the same sin, I am stuck, help.

Lord, I give thanks to you. For only you truly know where I am, I thank you for this blogger deal, it forces me to think about you. Lord, I have had an awesome life, thus far, and I share with you everything I do, what I do is yours.

Freedom from Rules and New life in Christ? [Colossians 2:6-23]

And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to live in obedience to him. Let your roots grow down into him and draw up nourishment from him, so you will grow in faith, strong and vigorous in the truth you were taught. Let you lives overflow with thanksgiving for all he has done.

Don’t let anyone lead you astray with empty philosophy and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the evil power of this world, and not from Christ. For in Christ the fullness of God lives in a human body, and you are complete through your union with Christ. He is the Lord over every ruler and authority in the universe.

When you came to Christ, you were circumcised, but not by a physical procedure. It was a spiritual procedure, the cutting away of your sinful nature. For you were buried with Christ when you were baptized. And with him you were raised to a new life because you trusted the mighty power of God, who raised Christ from the dead.

You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ. He forgave all our sins. He canceled the record that contained the charges against us. He took it and destroyed it by nailing it to Christ’s cross. In this way, God disarmed the evil rulers and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross of Christ.

So don’t let anyone condemn you for what you eat or drink, or for not celebrating certain holy days or new-moon ceremonies or Sabbaths. For these rules were only shadows of the real thing, Christ himself. Don’t let anyone condemn you by insisting on self-denial. And don’t let anyone say you must worship angels, even though they say they have had visions about this. These people claim to be so humble, but their sinful minds have made them proud. But they are not connected to Christ, the head of the body. For we are joined together in his body by his strong sinews, and we grow only as we get our nourishment and strength from God.

You have died with Christ, and he has set you free from evil powers of this world. So why do you keep on following rules of the world, such as, don’t handle, don’t eat, don’t touch. Such rules are mere human teaching about things that are gone as soon as we use them. These rules may seem wise because they require strong devotion, humility, and severe bodily discipline. But they have no effect when it comes to conquering a person’s evil thoughts and desires.