People – No Small Talk

I spike… easily.

I started writing this post back in November, ’11 – yeah I’m that far behind… if there really is a way to “fall behind” with blog posts… At one point I had 57 “draft” entries. 2011 was a year which might be summed up as simply “thick”, no matter where I turned something was changing, just changed, or proposing a change and with it I had my own things to deal with and balance with a family in tow. It seemed hardships of all kinds were around me and us, although we didn’t have any direct hits this year, we’ve been licking our wounds for a while and have some relational business to continue working on, otherwise though, circumstantially we’re good.

However, through all of this I would have fairly dramatic spouts of frustration and anger, usually over environmental things, like cleanliness, organization, scheduling, etc. and boy did I show my wife how I can spike off the charts when I’m running on empty. Thank God we have some tools in our tool belt to handle it, and for me to cool down in a much more healthy way than years past. Still though I would often find myself stuck, unable to push past…

But it was just that, “pushing past” which was causing me to get stuck, rather than stepping back and analyzing the cause, I just wanted to get “to the other side” and move on… yeah, I know, it doesn’t work real well… but in the moment it’s hard to think like that. On one particular enlightening evening, as we were talking with our pastors Alexis had to bring something up from weeks before which I thought we “pushed past” – well I had, she hadn’t and I hadn’t let her safely express that.

The ability to stop, step back, and recognize what’s going on, who/what the real issue is (remember, our fight is not against flesh and blood) and see from another perspective is a huge asset, nonetheless I still find it hard to enter in to that mindset at the right time. Thankfully Alexis is a wonderfully patient bride, who cares deeply about our marriage and me. So I write this entry months and months after the fact, realizing my silly spikes are not really all that silly, just an indicator of something beyond me.

This is why a life filled with grace and mercy is so important, as God pours His love on us in so many ways, we are able to learn, and be an even greater light to our spouses, families, and friends. However, most of important of all, we find God in us, working through us, and can do nothing else but reciprocate Him to those around us.

The stuck thoughts

Sometimes it seems that my thoughts and ideas don’t really mean anything. Most of the time I figure most people probably don’t care and/or are not open minded enough to consider other ideas. Yeah, I know, jaded and cynical, honestly though within my sphere this is the general attitude. Please note I said general, I know awesome, open minded people as well.

So because of this jaded view many of my thoughts get stuck. This, my friends, is people pleasing at its best. Not able to pontificate my ideas and thoughts because I think others don’t care? Dumb.

I also sometimes can’t meet my own standards, for instance, I prefer to not get political mostly because I have strong thoughts and it seems somehow everyone else in my circle either doesn’t care or are the extream at one end or another. I prefer longer more fleshed out discussions and most of the time life doesn’t dish out the opportunity.

So all this just to say, there’s actually a lot going on in me, it’s just a matter of priming the pump and stop being so concerned about others. All while honoring my values to stay on the high road, honoring God, and respecting humanity.

Time does not stop

Well, this past year has been one of the most interesting for me and my family. Lots of bumps, lots of fun times, and lots of “what on earth are we doing!” moments. It seems, as though out of our control, time has decided to continue on. So many times in this last year it seemed like time was going by far to slow, it seemed we were waiting for something, but wasn’t quite sure. Now, time seems to be flying by, not because we’re having fun (we are far from having any kind of fun), but because all of sudden, we are at a place that we could’ve never imagined. It’s as if we woke up and our plane was hi-jacked, and no one announced what our new destination was.

For the most part we have been content not knowing the destination, after all, God likes to give assignments and adventures to his children. We are in no doubt that Poland is our ultimate, physical location and calling. However, God is definitely teaching us through the process, and while we walk through this desert experience, following God around, we will try to not complain about the mana. We have a lot to learn and know it will take time, time which is not stopping. So because time doesn’t want to stop for us, and we obviously can’t ignore that it moves on, we are focusing our energy.

God’s provision, protection, and love have been (as expected, yet hard to understand at times) overwhelmingly evident. We are surrounded by amazing friends, and we know the next year will be full of love, hope, and renewal. While time moves on, we will move with it, and we will move with God in his timing. God’s grace and truth is most important and this next year is to focus on those things, applying them in ways we know will be new and renewing.

Lunch time thoughts

I can’t wait until certain things are “official” – then I’ll be fairly free to write about all the amazing, cool, great, fantastic things going on… But until then – I’ll just have to wait, and you too. So right now I’ll just post some random thoughts from my quick lunch “break”.

I can’t wait to someday live in the center of a city, I am a urban dweller by heart.
I have a huge travel bug in me right now, although we were just on a trip, I want to take a trip to some far away city somewhere.
Cars are not what people really think they are – you know how much I get done while riding the bus or train – A LOT. Sure, slightly slower at times, and not “always” there – but the potential is there for amazing livability without cars. I know some places “need” cars, maybe we should think about how we live and move around?
When thinking about the Church and ministry, and living a Christian life, I’ve got a lot of thoughts on that… just not sure where to start… maybe I shouldn’t care where I start?
Emma is growing SOOO fast, and I can’t seem to see her enough!
Alexis and I are working on a big idea… can’t wait to reveal it.

Thanks, that’s pretty much it for now – much more after “details” go official.

How I see it

When I look at people, life, the Church,

Through the eyes of how I know & understand Christ, God, the Holy Spirit

Then I see beauty & life

I see things differently

I ‘spose because I’ve seen a lot of terrible things

Many of these things I would rather never see again

In fact I contend with God to only see these things because of Him

Because of these things people are different to me

People, all people, even you, and even the guy trashed from the party

And even, the guy who reeks of alcohol and body odor in the “free rail zone”

They all have a warm spot in my heart, even the people who have caused the deepest hurt

This is all true, not because it’s some warm fuzzy ideal

But because it’s exactly what my God has given me, time and time again

This grace, so amazing, so unchanging, so undeserved, this is what floods my soul

When my soul is flooded, and my heart is filled, I can only be drawn to the souls of all.

He is my king.

I hate small talk… and other random things.

This post isn’t prompted by anything, well I guess it kind of is, but nothing specific, and not b/c of any recent conversation. One of the reasons I have not been posting as often, is the thought that I need to entertain, write something very interesting, or I have such a passionate thing to write but feel like no one really cares… all of this is just my stupid performance complex, and it doesn’t really matter. I like to write, I like to talk about all kinds of things, but I don’t like small talk. I don’t like conversations that have sentences ending with “um yeah”, or “anyways”, or “and so, yeah, how about them Mariners?”

Life means a lot to me, yet I don’t really talk about why so much these days… except with the “safe” people at Church, but so many of “them” are to busy doing something to actually go beyond small talk. So I end up not being satisfied with many of my conversations… but I don’t blame anyone, a little bit of my self, but I know I’m only human so I don’t beat myself up too badly. Well enough of this small talk, let’s move forward, ok?

What I’m thinking…

One of the many reasons I don’t write on here anymore is that, as self-focused as it sounds, I think far to hard about what people may think about what I’m writing. So, I end up canceling out any thoughts with silly weird arguments about why not to post something. The whole idea behind this blog in the first place was simply to write about what I was thinking, about life, about God, about people, etc… But with more and more of what I (we) are doing in the future, I feel I need to filter things far more than I would like.

I suppose the challenge is that I should write in a way that I still express myself honestly, and at the same time in a way that honors the God that I so claim to follow and love. Yet, many times the things I’m thinking about are about the disappointments of life, which are all quite real, and need to be discussed. I know there are plenty of people who appreciate the reality, but I also know (all to well) there are people who want to “make sure God is involved” – and then there’s the “You’re going to be a missionary, right?, YES! So, don’t you think you should be positive and focused on God… well yes… but…” I understand these comments, I really do, and at the same time I strive to not be religious and not be giving pat, common, text-book, Christian answers. God is far bigger than that.

So here I start on a very long, overdue, rant and soap box… however I will start with the core of my God-given heart’s desire in life…. I wrote the following and realized it was a bit convoluted, but maybe it will start some conversation, and then I can clarify with posts to address the questions and/or discussion that comes – or maybe it will just sit here and I’ll create conversation in my head and post my thoughts as I go…

The strongest passion I have for others is that they be encouraged in their walk with God, and not just in the private aspect of a relationship with God but in the ministry piece. In fact, sometimes I wonder if our walk with God is truly full unless we are actively ministering to those around us. I often find myself frustrated, disappointed, and concerned for the “Church” do to the apparent lack of concern for caring (ministry) to others. Then again, I find myself equally frustrated by myself because I myself do not step up when I know that God has given me many opportunities.

So, as a person who is fully aware of what God is calling me, and my family to do, I am constantly looking for ways to encourage others to trust God, and take risks. Many times throughout biblical stories we see the characters faced with life-changing risks. The blessings that come from following through, and having the discipline to honor God with our decisions, are more than I could ever explain in a short posting here.

The challenge every person faces come not in the big decisions, but in the everyday decisions, the choices that are presented to us when we first greet our co-workers in the morning, or how we engage in conversation with our peers. Yet there are so many forces which drive our interactions with those around us, everything from how our parents treated us, how “popular” we were in school, to poor choices and uncontrollable life circumstances that eat at our soul and take us off track.

Most of what I write is simply me processing the events that I witness, in the Church and outside the Church, as I see people of all statuses and of all walks I am humbled to know God as I do. I am challenged each day with the ideas of why has God given us, my family, the joy of having such amazing family and friends…. while others are seemingly aloof, floating around in this world without any connection points. Then I am reminded that it was because someone, at some point, obeyed God, and reached out, took a while to minister to someone, who did the same, who eventually ministered to me, and the same to Alexis.

I thank God for those that have this discipline, this passion, for I am eternally grateful. I wish to not be like these people because of these great things, I wish to do these things because our God has an amazing and wonderful life to give us, when we surrender to him. This is the heart of everything I am, want to be, and will be. I have nothing to be discouraged by, as long as I am choosing to obey and discipline myself… even then God’s grace is sufficient if I fail to meet “the mark”.

Let those that have ears hear. May those in the Church be encouraged to take the risks, the “lost” have the choice, only if they experience it though, we also have a choice – but I’m not so sure we can easily forget (that voice is pretty consistent) when we choose to ignore it.

Parasitical Christianity

A couple weeks ago I was watching a DVR recorded episode of Fringe, a newer sci-fi in its first season on Fox, similar to the X-Files but instead of paranormal kind of investigations, it’s fringe science, the study of bio engineering and things like that. This episode I was watching was about an agent who had a very large parasite (engineered from microscopic size) wrapped around his heart and living off him. The thing that struck out to me about this parasite was that it had “roots” that went up the blood vessels and into the IV drip. Essentially this was slowly dehydrating the host body and slowly killing him (which is where my little analogy breaks down, but you’ll get the point).

I think God would love to have us as parasites, to be fully dependent on him, of which we are. I know that when I try to make it on my own I begin to die – much like a parasite. I find the following definitions of parasite very much the definition I would like to see my life with God be.

1. an organism that lives on or in an organism of another species, known as the host, from the body of which it obtains nutriment.

2. a person who receives support, advantage, or the like, from another or others without giving any useful or proper return, as one who lives on the hospitality of others.

3. (in ancient Greece) a person who received free meals in return for amusing or impudent conversation, flattering remarks, etc.

Greek: parásītos one who eats at another’s table, feeding beside

God is our host – we are invited to eat at his table w/o any return to him. Yet out of this abundance comes a heart of generosity and we are compelled to do the same unto others. So do I live on my own, attempting to live w/o the bloodline I should? Or do I leech myself onto the Host of hosts and the King of kings?

Questions and things that bother me

I’m hoping to motivate some thoughts in my mind for future blog posts… So the following is a list of questions and things that bother me in some way or another.

Disunity in the Church
Misinformation in the Church
Is that Christian or just religion?
The above caused by poor communication
The above caused by assumptions
Relationship or religion?
People not willing to reconcile relationships
People stuck in poor relationships
Self-focused churches
Grace forgotten
Truth forgotten
When fear drives decisions
When God is not saught in decisions
Would Jesus really do that?
When people seem to think they are entitled to something
When Jesus’ follwers forgot to operate in the Kingdom
When Jesus’ people operate as the world does

Got grace or just truth?

Telling the truth about God, life, people, or just about anything, is very hard to do in a graceful way, in a way that keeps the truth of God’s character intact. I hear peers today so concerned by the church’s image, afraid to use words like “saved” and “blessing”. While I admit those words have made me cringe as well, I have also realized that people not in the know, really aren’t offended by these words, instead, my observation from co-workers have been simple questions, like “what do you mean by saved” – which opens a door.

What I’m getting at is, yes we need to communicate in a way that the most people can understand, yet we must also remember that God’s character is the most important thing to communicate. If we communicate that God is anything but what he tells us in the Bible, than we’re failing. So in our attemp to communicate on issues of homosexuality, politics, war, etc, in a graceful way, we must not leave out crucial truths, and in our attempts to communicate his truth we must not use shame.