I hate small talk… and other random things.

This post isn’t prompted by anything, well I guess it kind of is, but nothing specific, and not b/c of any recent conversation.  One of the reasons I have not been posting as often, is the thought that I need to entertain, write something very interesting, or I have such a passionate thing to write but feel like no one really cares… all of this is just my stupid performance complex, and it doesn’t really matter.  I like to write, I like to talk about all kinds of things, but I don’t like small talk.  I don’t like conversations that have sentences ending with “um yeah”, or “anyways”, or “and so, yeah, how about them Mariners?”

Life means a lot to me, yet I don’t really talk about why so much these days… except with the “safe” people at Church, but so many of “them” are to busy doing something to actually go beyond small talk.  So I end up not being satisfied with many of my conversations… but I don’t blame anyone, a little bit of my self, but I know I’m only human so I don’t beat myself up too badly.  Well enough of this small talk, let’s move forward, ok?

A swarm of thoughts

So much of the time I shy away from writing something on here because I begin to think for people, and most of the time I think they’ll think I’m being too negative, or I think they’ll read it as “complaining”, I just want to let you know (even if you never thought those things) that my heart has never been in those places, although my mood certainly has.  I’m in a place in my life where I’m feeling good and content with where God has me, and at the same time, I’m discontent with where I spend most of my days, stuck up in an office.

The funny thing is, I really like my job, but when I start to think about the time it requires I am not too happy with it, as I would much rather be free to meet with friends, have coffee (or beer), love on people, spend time with my bride and daughter, etc.  However, I still really like the job, and I love working with the people God has placed around me.  It’s kind of a weird paradox, a love/hate kind of issue.  So, overall I am content, but there is definitely something inside me that wants more, and I’m trying very hard to hear what God has to say about that.

I know it is through discipline in Christ that I’ll find fulfillment.  Today I was reading Proverbs 12, and the first verse captured me – “To learn, you must love discipline; it is stupid to hate correction” – I’ve always been one to accept correction, to seek his discipline….  that is at least what people could see.  Now that God has been showing me (through marriage) how much more I need to seek his discipline, I have found myself unusually closed up, unwanting to change.

Thankfully, I think God is turning a key, opening a door, and doing new and greater things in me.  I think I’ve began to let him.  It’s hard, it burns, but it feels right.  As seek his healing in these areas I know his promises will become true, and I’ll be more free.

A world without God.

A world without God is a world that I fear to imagine.  Yet many people live in a world without God, they go about day to day, without any more than a fleeting idea of God.  So why am I so fearful to imagine a world without God?  Because I know God, I live with God around me, in me, and through me.  Because even though I fail to obey, and I do things which are contrary to God’s word, I find that the God’s grace is more than just a simple “I forgive you”, it’s a reality in which I know that no matter how I live, my God will be there for me to turn to.  Humans can turn God into so much, from a letter of the law judge, to a magic fairy who grants you everything you ever wanted.  In my experience God is neither, God is mysterious, yet personal, God is loving, yet just.

If I were to imagine a world without my God, I would see a world full of hurt, evil, injustice, greed, abuse, hunger, confusion, and chaos with no way out.  As I make the choice to draw closer to God, I see that the love, justice, freedom, life, authority are not just benefits, but are the way God shows his intense affection for me, for us.  Take away those things and it’s one big world, and a huge void.  I was in that void once before, I never want to go back.  Yet everyday I make choices which are either of the world, or of God.  When I follow God’s ways, I am fulfilled, when I choose my own, worldly way, I am sick, troubled, and empty – not because I feel some “religious guilt” but because I know what the feelings of true satisfaction in God are – they are not easily explained in words, and that satisfaction is what I live for.  If had to choose one word to try and describe it – it would be peace.

Reaching this peace requires a lot of flesh burning, a lot of humility, and in the end a lot of forgiveness.  It’s well worth it, trust me.

In repsonse to Marcus… let’s go wild.

Marcus got me thinking
I’m feeling the need to go wild….

Years ago I read John Eldredge’s book “Wild at Heart” and it was, at the time, a great read. However I think I need to read it again. I remember a few of the ideas; being free to adventure and including our loved ones, allowing others to love me and allowing myself to love, while all at the same time taking hold of my inner sense of adventure and stepping out into an unknown world.

Gosh, if only I could hold onto those things each day, and remember that everyday is a step in the adventure God has put us. Every major decision we have made has been with our calling to Poland in mind. From the house we live in, to the job I have, to the ministry’s we volunteer in. Everything is for the great adventure we know we are stepping into.

But on a day to day basis, work in, work out, the adventure is lost. I have small “revivals” in my heart, times where I search far and long across the Internet at houses and apartments to buy in Krak


The news of 2007 is:

Alexis and I are having a baby!!!

Back on our anniversary we thought we may have been pregnant, although we were on the “pill”, Alexis took a few different pregnancy tests, all came out negative. Then on our trip there were a few symptoms that we decided Alexis should see the doctor, so on Tuesday of this past week she did exactly that.

By Wednesday at 9am she found out, she is 12 weeks pregnant! Which means our little one has already been to France and Poland 😛

The baby is due March 11th at this point. It’s crazy, it’s kinda fast, but we were ready to start trying in September anyway! So God’s provision we know is coming!

Love you all! Thanks for your prayers and support!

Pillars of my faith

  • Jesus brings truth, and that truth sets me free
  • God the father is full of grace, that grace sets me free
  • The Holy Spirit guides me in authority and power, that authority and power sets me free
  • Who I am is not based on any one’s opinions, ideas, culture, etc – Who I am is what The Lord has made me
  • I am broken, but He is healing me, from glory to glory and one day I will see Him face to face in all of His glory and I’ll be in all of mine as well.
  • I worship the Lord my God will all my heart, soul, mind, and strength and His joy fills my heart
  • Sometimes there is not a “heeby jeeby” moment, sometimes there is, but at any time I hear his voice, feel his presence, or know that His Spirit has spoken, I obey, sometimes kicking and screaming, and at times ignoring, but when I obey I never regret and always am more amazed by his mercy and grace.

Life Lessons

Today while reading the scripture for my daily deovotional I came across something interesting, the passage was Exodus 27, the making of the tabernacle. The interesting part was in all the minute details that God asked be put into the tabernacle and the ark of the covenant. I have heard from all kinds of people, believers, and pre-believers alike that God doesn’t care about the glamar, the vanity, etc. Nope he doesn’t, but he does care about small details, the little things that enhance life, make it nicer. I think that just as he asked the Isralites to craft such details for the tabernacle, God also asks us to be excellent in all we do, crafting our lives to shine. It’s all woven together.

Later on I read Acts 6, and came across the piece about Stephen, one of the seven the Apostles chose to help serve the widows food. Two different times within a paragraph of each other, Acts points out that Stephen was a man full of God’s grace, God’s power, full of the Spirit and man full of faith. We should assume that the others were also full of the Spirit, as that was one of the requirments to be in this serving position. Yet, why point out Stephen… maybe because the author (Luke) was introducing the reader because Stephen would be persecuted in the paragraphs to follow, or is there something more here? What I heard God tell me is that his character, his attention to detail and integrity is what made him Shine, and in turn caused people to see Christ, and Christ was able to work through him….

Looking forward…

I’m actually looking forward to doing my journaling time today. This is good, it means something is changing. Have I mentioned that the second half of my day 4 days of the week is quite boring… I have to try really hard to find things to do. Yikes… it’s not my company though, I’m contracted at the moment to another place right now, and I’m only here for “help desk” things.