Thoughts – No Small Talk

The big awkward silence….

I’m not a fan of the awkward silence, at least not among “structured” time, meetings, conference calls, coffee to have a “discussion”, etc. Also when I’m the one “hosting” a get together I’m even more annoyed by awkward silences, my wife on the other hand has no problem with them (weirdo!). For me, it’s a lack of relationship that causes these in social gatherings, because among good friends, a “silent pause” is rare, but when it happens among friends it’s OK, because normally it isn’t awkward, rather it is a thoughtful silence.

I remember a time about 10 years ago where I invited a whole bunch of friends over to my apartment, but didn’t really have a plan, we just wanted to hang out… but once we got there we had nothing to do, and didn’t even have much of a conversation, except “now what?” – boy did I hate that. We went from one awkward silence to another, until finally we all left to do something – wow… what a host I was back then.

I’m more comfortable these days, and don’t always have to “do something” – and usually I can start a conversation rather easily, even with people I don’t know all that well. Still though, I find myself, even in business situations where I think to myself “I wish I would’ve said this, or that” – but I don’t have that “oh my God I was so awkward” feeling about it anymore.

Thanks for reading a random thought about life, until next time. Happy Friday!

Gone stale…

I’ve let this Blog go stale… my bad. Honestly this is because I think too much about the (possible) reactions of others. It’s a catch 22, because I want interaction but I don’t want to be misunderstood or labled. A lot of assumptions are made when people read things…. or may just the large chunk of people who like to over-react (without gathering facts or at least attempting to have some kind of compassion for fellow humanity) on comments all over the web.

So my stale-ness is due to fear of being rejected…. ok I’ve admitted that… when will this beast just go away. It wont I need to allow it to be slain, and there’s only one person I know who can slain beasts like that.

More will come… soon!

Filtering life

A mobile post from the ride home, enjoy.

There is really only so much we can do in life, so making “life worth it” can seem overwhelming and unobtainable. There are a lot of different approaches, and to varying degrees I’ve watched many ways fail to bring about the “worth” people talk about. I’ve been a swinger (no not that kind) just rolling around from one thing to the next, unsure why I’m doing what I’m doing.

Now it’s different, there’s meaning, and sometimes that very meaning is what helps me realize – I never had any worth. At least I never had a need to seek worth, because I’ve always had access to it. Simply through God’s grace and sacrifice, which compels me to recognize my faults, and live for him.

So now I live life through that filter, a redeemed man of God who needs not seek worth, but live in God’s worth! I live my life filtered by God’s priorities, his grace, and love.

The hardships of this life are enormous, many of which I have been through and often felt angered at God for one selfish reason or another. From sexual abuse, family crisis, deaths, relational crisis, depression, and just about everything else you can imagine in the lives of those around me. It isn’t because God has protected me, nor is it some super power, nor is it because I’m smarter than the next person. The victory I have experienced is all due to the fact that I and we have made it a priority to put God first, every yes or no we say is because we have filtered it against our walk with God.

Of course we fail in this at times, of corse we get overwhelmed and make mistakes. Yet overall because of te intentional decisions to fiter our decisions to God we have been spared the worst of the consequences, consequences I know would be devastating.

Always more

I was just listening to “stop and stare” by OneRepublic, it’s the first time I’ve really listened to it closely. The line that catches my attention is “You start to wonder why you’re here not there”. My interpretation of this is similar to what I was thinking about earlier.

A lot of time, at least for me, is thinking about how I want to be “there” weather that’s about how people perceive me, how I’m performing, or even as vain as how I look, there’s always more… Sometimes I need to just stop and stare, realize what I’ve got is incredible blessings, promises, opportunities, and love around just about every corner!

Sexaholism…Another one from the tracks

Some more thoughts from my commute home, I’ll fix up the post from a computer later.

Ever since the tent incident, I have struggled with the desire for sexual pleasure outside of marriage. Learning about this kind of “on-demand” pleasure set me up for much confusion, some of which continues to this day. For me the pleasure was escape, escape from the constant voice that said I was not important, not cool, and not needed. However, as I turned to masturbation and lived from fantasy to fantasy I just could not get the same level of pleasure.

I began using the Internet for playing out all kinds of fantasies. The “friend” from the tent also would use fantasy ideas on me, and I would unwillingly allow it to happen. Overtime I found myself hating and desiring all of it. I questioned my sexual orientation for years, with my heart desiring women and my flesh desiring the fantasies.

From 12 years old to 20, I never told a single soul of my struggles nor of the events that took place. I felt trapped. Around the age of 15, the “friend” finally disappeared from my life and I thank God that I never actually tried to live out any of the fantasies or pursue anything with anyone else.

So how would I get to the place that I am today? It all started 10 years ago… but I’ll have to write that tomorrow – Next stop: Gresham City Hall, one more stop to go.