Some more thoughts from my commute home, I’ll fix up the post from a computer later.
Ever since the tent incident, I have struggled with the desire for sexual pleasure outside of marriage. Learning about this kind of “on-demand” pleasure set me up for much confusion, some of which continues to this day. For me the pleasure was escape, escape from the constant voice that said I was not important, not cool, and not needed. However, as I turned to masturbation and lived from fantasy to fantasy I just could not get the same level of pleasure.
I began using the Internet for playing out all kinds of fantasies. The “friend” from the tent also would use fantasy ideas on me, and I would unwillingly allow it to happen. Overtime I found myself hating and desiring all of it. I questioned my sexual orientation for years, with my heart desiring women and my flesh desiring the fantasies.
From 12 years old to 20, I never told a single soul of my struggles nor of the events that took place. I felt trapped. Around the age of 15, the “friend” finally disappeared from my life and I thank God that I never actually tried to live out any of the fantasies or pursue anything with anyone else.
So how would I get to the place that I am today? It all started 10 years ago… but I’ll have to write that tomorrow – Next stop: Gresham City Hall, one more stop to go.