The ever changing me


I wish I could say I have “found myself” being that I turn 30 in five days, however, it would not be a true statement. What I can say is that many things have found me and I’ve either accepted those things as “part” of me, or unconsciously integrated them into my person. I’ve done many “this is who I am” or “what makes me” posts in the past (i.e. The Boy PoemA post about meand another) and yet I find myself cringing when I read them, because, I’ve changed… and that’s OK. Today I’m much more aware of the social status of the world – and the insane and crazy differences from place to place, and sometimes within the same place. These extremes have forced me to examine what I do and why, and in response I’ve changed.

I’ve never been angry or upset by what some would call “the reason our country/world is falling apart” such as government, sexuality, illegal immigration, drugs, etc. Sure I’ve had my moments of being concerned, and following the crowd (mistake number one) and “doing my part” (i.e. voting for the “right” candidates). Yet, you might say I’ve become disenfranchised by those methods, they are too disconnected and non-relational, and haven’t produced much change, instead all it has amounted to is a veil of security that is not really there.

I use to find myself on the “conservative” side of things, in some of the most traditional ways… but really as I have explored and experienced things around the world I have found that American Conservatism is mostly about “keeping things the way they are” – and American Liberalism is about “making everything equal” – both of which are extremes that just are not realistic. Although I probably more closely align myself with liberals on social issues (except abortion) and conservatives on financial/economic issues (except for funding of basic health care, education, and transportation for all), I really don’t like to put myself in either camp, because there’s an automatic exclusion or inclusion of many things which are far more important and complex than “this or them” arguments.

So, today I would probably think of myself as a socially aware, promoter of sustainable ideas, a social technologist, avoider of black and white ideas, peace bringer, lover of people not ideas, and most of all, husband, father and all of this comes of following and worshiping Jesus.

Sexaholism…Another one from the tracks

Some more thoughts from my commute home, I’ll fix up the post from a computer later.

Ever since the tent incident, I have struggled with the desire for sexual pleasure outside of marriage. Learning about this kind of “on-demand” pleasure set me up for much confusion, some of which continues to this day. For me the pleasure was escape, escape from the constant voice that said I was not important, not cool, and not needed. However, as I turned to masturbation and lived from fantasy to fantasy I just could not get the same level of pleasure.

I began using the Internet for playing out all kinds of fantasies. The “friend” from the tent also would use fantasy ideas on me, and I would unwillingly allow it to happen. Overtime I found myself hating and desiring all of it. I questioned my sexual orientation for years, with my heart desiring women and my flesh desiring the fantasies.

From 12 years old to 20, I never told a single soul of my struggles nor of the events that took place. I felt trapped. Around the age of 15, the “friend” finally disappeared from my life and I thank God that I never actually tried to live out any of the fantasies or pursue anything with anyone else.

So how would I get to the place that I am today? It all started 10 years ago… but I’ll have to write that tomorrow – Next stop: Gresham City Hall, one more stop to go.