I have been following Josh’s blog series on Sex and have fully enjoyed every word written. When it comes to the ideas revolving around human sexuality I have so many places I could go with it. As many things in my life these days it is hard to know where to start, as nothing anymore is black and white. So, I decided to start with the most logical beginning I could think of – a chorographical story of my sex life. I’ll spring into different sub-topics as we walk along the path.
The following is simply my own personal observations, experiences, and feelings at the time of the said events. Some of the events may be described in details that some may find offensive, I include them so the depth of reality can be reached. Because sexuality can have so many connotations, both inside and outside the American Christian culture I simply ask just one thing of my readers, don’t add nor subtract from my words. If something doesn’t make sense or you want clarification – all you need to do is ask – don’t assume, presume, nor fill in the blanks. I will be writing in small chunks for the short attention span readers out there.
My first experience with sexuality came around the age of 12, in a tent in the backyard of a friend’s house. This friend was a couple of years older than I was, I remember him asking me “Do you masturbate”… I think I said yes, only because I had heard of it, but didn’t really know what it was. He proceeded to undress himself and ask me to give him a “hand job” – which I had no idea what he meant, I think he thought I was afraid or something and so instead, he grabbed my hand, and said “like this” and proceeded to demonstrate what he wanted me to do to him. I distinctly remember having this feeling of utter, guilt, confusion, fear, and curiosity all at the same time. After he was satisfied, he then proceeded to “help” me experience my first orgasm by way of a hand job as well. The whole incident laid the groundwork for my sex life. At the time, I was not sure why I felt what I felt, there were strong feelings, both good and bad, there was shame, and there was pleasure.
The feelings I associated that day I believe stem from my ignorance at the time (not having sexual advice, ideas, nor values passed down to me) and from my own insecurity as a pre-teen that put all my identity into what other’s thought of me. More on those last two points later on, for now we can just dwell on this first sexual encounter and mull over those thoughts.