What is going on?

All I know right now is that I am alive, I am meant to be here in Poland, I love Alexis, and I love God and He is present. Anything beyond that is a mystery. Right now, I have a huge lump in the back of my throat, I want to cry, but I do not know why. I know I love the people here, and I see so much despair in their lives, so much searching, yet I have an awful feeling they do not see that my light is God’s and not mine. There is a horrible presence here, one which is seriously attacking me, I have had more thoughts of flying home (which reminds me I have to call the airline and book my return trip; otherwise I will be paying an expensive one-way ticket). I would not be here if God did not exist, period. Why would I give up (even just for a year) all that I had, a brand new car (a status symbol for my generation), a very good paying full-time job (yet another status symbol, and something which most Americans would see as an insane thing to give up), my cat, my amazing friends, my family, the beautiful city I have called home my entire life, I left it all. Because it is not fair for me to keep all of those things, simply because I want to have a “happy” life, every single one of those things are from God, even though I didn’t deserve it. I am at a point I would get rid of all of those things (except the people, because people are the only thing worth “keeping” in this life), simply to show to my friends here, I do not need anything except God, and I would give my life for any single one of them in the name of God. I want to cry because it is not possible for me get rid of all those things, I am returning, God sent me here for a year, and he wants me back in Seattle where I can tell the people there about the Love needed here. I LOVE MY POLISH FRIENDS and that is why I want to cry, because I love them, and I see their need for Jesus. Life may appear so unfair to them, and I agree it is. However, no matter where you are in this world, life is unfair; this world does not belong to God. We need faith to see that our lives are meant to be more than this short life on Earth, forget everything else. I love all my friends, I know my life will always be split now, a part of me is here in this land.

Listening to: shane bernard – Oh Lord to You – Shane Barnard