Drastic measures needed? I don’t know. Just like clockwork every time I tell someone I’m feeling freedom from impurity, it strikes me down. No matter how cautious I am, no matter how much I emphasize that I know I could fall at any second. While I no longer beet myself up into the largest guilt fest of the 21st century, I still get frustrated, especially when I’ve tried so hard to not try myself but let God do it. But it always comes down to me taking a little peak, or thinking a little thought, when I am by myself bored. I desire to be pure, to hold all my thoughts for what is honoring and glorifying for God alone. Yet my flesh screams and wins out, and sometimes it is conscience, I simply want that quick little satisfaction, even though I know that it will be followed by hours of torturous guilt and frustration. I know the Holy Spirit is working in me, and every little step it is a little bit easier.
I spend a lot of time doing nothing that helps my own personal walk with Christ and this is a major factor in my ability to resist temptation. This is definitely the thorn in my side. While my recovery time is getting shorter and shorter, I wonder if I am taking His grace for granite? How many more times will I have to go through this before it dies? How much longer can I endure before I simply go nuts? I think it’s back to the drawing board, back to reading my Bible everyday, back to praying from my heart, and back to seeking even when I am not motivated. How do I end up in these places? I know how amazing life is on the other side, why can’t I just stay there!
Matthew 26:39-41
He went on a little farther and fell face down on the ground, praying, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will, not mine.” Then he returned to the disciples and found them asleep. He said to Peter, “Couldn’t you stay awake and watch with me even one hour? Keep alert and pray. Otherwise temptation will overpower you. For though the spirit is willing enough, the body is weak!”
This is a bit out of context, I’m certainly not filled with Grief for others nor am I about to be betrayed and left to die on a cross. However, the words are my desire, and I do not want to keep on sleeping and be tempted because I know my body is weak.