can I just go home

I just want to go home. That is how I feel right now; I guess I am longing for the familiar, the “feel good” stuff. I have an open-ended ticket, with the return reservation currently set to March 24th, the temptation to just leave that the return date is enormous right now. I have not even been here for five months, not even half a year. I feel as if I have learned enough already, I’m feeling beat up, taken out, strangled. But I have made a commitment, and I do not brake commitments, ever. Right now Alexis is sitting in church, with the church family I miss more than anything else right now in this world. Right now just typing about it brings strong emotions, tears are swelling up in my eyes, and a lump has formed at the back of my throat.

I guess in a way I feel stuck between two worlds, I think it would be better if I knew I was staying here, and was building a long-term life here. However, the fact is, I am returning to Seattle, to what I had. I have a genuine love for everyone I have met here, and for this country and its people. But I do not have any strong relationships I can fall and depend on. I have God, and God alone, and over the past five months I have had to depend on him more than any other time in my life. I have this gut feeling I will have another seven months of this, it scares me to death, but I know in the end it will be worth it.

Chris has some friends over from his hometown, great people, and their love of God is stronger than any of the people here, and the best part, three are guys, with two speaking English. I think I may be jealous, he’s having a great time with them, they will be here for a week, I wish I could have over four of my best friends. Thank God in the highest, Alexis will be here in a short three weeks, some familiarity, a refreshing wind, someone to share everything with, and for sure, cry with.

Lord I need your strength
‘Cause I am weak and falling to my knees.
Who is on my side?
‘Cause I can’t tell my friends from enemies.
Filling up with pain.
Bitterness controls the air I breathe.
What am I fighting for?
Do you have a plan for me?

Must be some mistake
‘Cause I’m not worth the price you paid.
With every passing hour,
I convince myself that you saw something in me.
But I can hear them still,
As the whispers laced with hatred fill the room.
Guess I’m wasting my time
How could you love a man like me?
[My Struggle – Seventh Day Slumber – Picking Up the Pieces]

Update: Now that I’ve talked to Alexis, and played a good game of Outburst! with Chris and his friends (cross cultural, and in Polish and English) I feel much better, and I need to remember to take life just one day at a time, otherwise I’ll be dead, in my heart and physically before I know it.

Listening to: My Struggle – Seventh Day Slumber – Picking Up the Pieces