Month: May 2004

Well, for the past three months or so I have been drained, tired, unmotivated, and simply depressed. But I truly believe that yesterday was a turning point. Most of the frustration from all of these feelings was being poured upon Alexis. We were both very unhappy with the status of our relationship, both annoyed at each other, but most of all I was doing nothing to improve the situation, except hoping she would just change. I have always said that if I thought about changing her then I knew I was in the wrong place, if not in the wrong relationship. But there I was, doing exactly what I knew was wrong and not wanting to change any of it. Granted there is a lot of stress on our relationship that isn’t “normal”, but if we don’t try and work through it now, what would we do in person?

With the advice of some very awesome mentors in my life and the guiding of the Holy Spirit we finally talked and looked at the issues at face value. For the first hour I was ready to just break it up right there. However, we started to talk about “us” all the feelings, when the first time we felt those feelings (in our life, not in our relationship and for both of us it was related to certain people in our lives who made us react to certain feelings in a certain way) and we forgave each other for crossing those lines and not dealing with them properly. A huge heavy weight was lifted and both of us have a great outlook on the future now. The advice of the Godly never fails, the truth of the Bible never fails, and our choices to follow this advice and truth is what it all depends on.

Father,

I never want to underestimate your powers, yet I do it all the time. The world around me may appear to crumble, but you are always strong. I’ve put my hope in you, not in anything else of this world and now I have seen the power and strength that comes from standing on your teaching. I have overcome so many fears, obstacles, and many impossibilities because of your truth. You have worked in my life in so many ways and I thank you for using people as your hands and feet. Because I give recognition to you as the doer of all things in my life I receive your blessing, if it were me doing or claiming to be doing, then I know I would never see the blessings. I know you Many think you are intangible, I do not I know you use us and that is tangible. Thank you, you are the one who does all good things. Continue to protect, help me to be guided by you and be effective for you. In Jesus’ name – make it so.

All kinds of things are going through my head. I sometimes wish it would be better to be in heaven, my heart could have a break from hurting for others, and I could lose myself in worship. However, I know going through what I’m going through now will only make those things I yearn for even greater. So, this is just a prayer request for myself, pray for a clear head, perseverance, and the strength to go on past the discouragements.

This is the second time this week God has done something amazing like this. I just posted, oh what, two minutes ago. This is the very next thing I stumbled upon from Faith Gambler:

“Yes,” Jesus replied, “and I assure you, everyone who has given up house or wife or brothers or parents or children, for the sake of the Kingdom of God, 30will be repaid many times over in this life, as well as receiving eternal life in the world to come.” [Luke 18:29-30]

I believe it was for me. Thank you Reid!

I have an incredible “sense” of right and wrong. It can be so strong it gets me into trouble a lot of the time and I can be seen as “intolerant” when really I just want to show someone that going some directions will not lead to anything good. I don’t tell them because I want to control them, I tell them because I sincerely love people and I hate to see people makes choices that I know are not good for them. How do I know? Well I’m still trying to figure it out myself, it’s a deep down urgent feeling that I just can not explain I can only show.

However, I can even resist the urge to do right myself, so I guess that in itself shows that no matter what I do, people will make their own choices and all I can do is tell them otherwise. This can be very frustrating and discouraging to watch people make choices I have made and to know the feelings. I cannot imagine how God feels, he must be in constant suffering, just watching his children make choices all the time that lead them away from him. I’m so scared to be a parent for this very reason but at the same time I want to experience the miracle and feelings for myself.

Father, please cover me with your grace and shine on me with your light. Take your arms and hold me tight. I’m in such a strange place, so many extreme emotions and no where for them to go. I’m annoyed and frustrated by people I love so dearly, and I’m hurt and scared for others. The range of emotions is nothing I want to experience ever again. However, I know after this process I will know you more and be able to serve you in another wonderful way. Please remove this burden, for your burden is much lighter. Help me to be grounded in you again. I know your love never fails. Restore to me the joy of my salvation.

Bene Diction Blogs On is helping a random professor who found his blog through Google. The professor has a survey for professing Christians, it takes about 15-20 min to complete, I did it, and it didn’t hurt. He needs about 500 completed surveys and so far has 225. So I’m just doing my part as another blogger, help the prof out and check it out.

Do you remember?

The night we realized our dark life secret was the same?
The times we said “me too” to each other?
Talkin’ about little things and silly things?
Thinkin’ that the other was “unattainable”?
Discussin’ the things of God?
Do you remember?

Oh I remember
I will cherish every one of those times
How God brought us together
Isn’t it amazin’?
Do you remember?

Laying on the shores of the Columbia just talkin’?
Being too afraid to really say what our heart was feeling?
At that table, sun burned, but wanting to move forward?
On the couch, finally admitting our pull towards each other?
The awkwardness of it all after the fact?
Thinkin’ “what’ll we tell our friends?”

Oh I remember
I will cherish every one of those times
How God brought us together
Isn’t it amazin’?
Do you remember?

I remember the phone call to your brother…
I remember the look on his face…
I remember the prayers he and I shared…
I remember the confidence of it all…
I remember holding your hand for the first time…
I remember remember our first “I love yous”…

Oh I remember
I will cherish every one of those times
How God brought us together
Isn’t it amazin’?
Do you remember?

I love you, don’t you forget that…
I know it’s been rough, I won’t forget that…
I know God is central, I better not forget it…
I know your love is strong, how could I forget that…
I wanna be with you forever…
So I wait for you, and for Him, and I’ll remember that.

Do you remember?

Remember that day?

I failed to mention some things that I feel God is up to in my life. You see, one of the biggest impressions I have had since coming here has been that I must continue these relationships after I leave. Back in December, I got a picture and an idea of what a cross-cultural internship program might look like here in Poland. Over time, that image has morphed and I have presented the idea to a few people.

You might remember me mentioning Dan Russell who came from the Portland, OR area to visit with us, right near the end of Alexis’ stay, after a US Wrestling tournament here in Poland. One day we (Dan, Alexis, and I) were driving towards Carol and Denise’s and he started telling me about the internship program he and his wife facilitate at his church (Easthill Foursquare in Gresham, OR). He also mentioned how he wanted to setup some kind of cross-cultural program, my eyes lit up (as did Alexis’) and at that point, I knew God was up to something.

I know that the hour-long time with God at the conference on that Sunday morning was God telling me it is time to go. But it was not in the sense of leaving here, but it’s time for me to go and do what needs to be done to make this idea happen. I realize it is a multi-year vision, it will require a lot of patience, training, support, and most of all prayer and guidance from God. However, unlike anything else, when I think about this I feel the passion come back, I feel alive again, and this must be God’s will for me. I know that anything I do which honors and glorifies the Father is in his will, and this is just one of many ways I could go. It is a desire God has placed on my heart and it not only will glorify him, it will build the relationships I have made this year for many years to come.

And there is more! Last night Alexis met with our new Young Adult’s pastor (who is also the pastoral care pastor) at Mill Creek (our church in the Seattle area) and he asked her to be an intern. I don’t know the details since it is all she could leave in the quick voice message she left me. But I believe this is all related and God is certainly up to something.

Don’t let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you teach, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity. [1 Tim 4:12]

I think It’s about time that I spoke freely. I’ve been in a very dry place these past few months, in fact you could say I have been in the desert place. I have not felt much through all of this except a low level of constant frustration and the feeling of “not fitting.” I’ve been standing on the voice of truth, and it is only that which has kept me here.

Back in the fall, just a month or two after my arrival here in Poland I got homesick. This homesickness was not for any kind of thing, but it was the longing to be with friends that I know could talk through my concerns with. Life as a Christian is pretty hard here in comparison to what I left. I know that if it were not for the prayers of my great friends back in Seattle I would have lost it and gone home. Thankfully God provided the means for me to get an Internet phone and I’ve been able to talk to all of these friends and counselors.

I cam here to depend on God and learn more about Him, God had called me to depend on him and Poland is what he provided. However, I have learned much more than just dependence on God; I have learned freedom, purity, confidence, humility, perseverance and much more. Yet the number one thing I have experienced is intimacy with the Lord Jesus himself. You see, the one thing I hated the most, has happened the most here, lots of spare time and no one to spend it with. God has taught, and is still teaching me how to have fellowship with Him. The emptiness I have been feeling has more to do with me not seeking Him in these times of loneliness than it does with me simply not having fellowship.

Personally, I have wanted to go home countless times, I have wanted to see Mt. Rainier come out and just slip away into my comfortable little routine. Many times, I have thought, and on occasion have said out loud, I just want to be in Heaven. This is not who I want to be, I feel defeated in a way, but in another I feel like I am on the brink of rediscovering God.

On to another subject, God has been revealing quite a few things to me. It would take up too much time to explain it all so I will simply list them all so you can pray about them. I know God’s word is what I need to be seeking to find the meaning of each of these and I know in time it will all make sense. Hindsight is always 20/20.

• On April 25th God spoke directly into my heart via Marc and Kathy Shaw, it was a strong urge that I (and Alexis) will be used to do something in Poland. I cried for almost an hour while listening, it moved me because they are so passionate in what they do and I want to be just as passionate. They will be pasturing in Portland, OR after serving 16 years in Europe, I had never heard them nor read much about them before that day, but I have enormous respect for them and I will miss them.
• On April 26th the director of Foursquare Missions International deemed our work in Poland as official, and apologized for all the bureaucracy we had faced earlier. I am now in the process of becoming a mission team specialist.
• On April 27th the calling of the Lord was confirmed when Alexis revealed to me that serving in the field has always been on her heart.
• On May 15th I ran our first men’s morning “retreat”, I blew it big time, I didn’t even use scripture, and by God’s grace it was pulled off. However, God used it as a great learning time and confirmed through the words of a pastor who was here from Poland that I will be used by God in a teaching role. I still have a very hard time with this, I don’t consider myself any kind of public speaker nor someone who can get enough respect to be listened to, but that is God’s work not mine.
• On May 16th The Californian pastor got an impression for me, “start living as if you were married.” This was scary and in many ways contradictory to my own set boundaries for my relationship with Alexis. However, it became clear, it wasn’t the duties that I start living, it was the responsibility that I should live out. I am still trying to grasp it all.

Currently I am experiencing many doubts to all of these things above. I have been trying too hard to understand them but I have also not done much reading of scripture nor prayer to hear form God on them. I am also not feeling to well physically and spiritually I feel bi-polar. I think simplification of my life is coming. That’s all folks.

Okay, so maybe I’m a little obessive compolsive, or something. What do you think, I really like it, and so that’s that. And yes, the time on this post is correct. Once I start something I just can’t stop until it is finished.

God is love, God creates love, and true love can only be centered on God. God’s love is unconditional. By understanding God’s love we can love others more. By accepting his love into our lives we can effectively love others. Letting our love desire be fulfilled by God allows us to be full, our desire for love is meant to be filed by God.

“I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. When you obey me, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father and remain in his love. [John 15:9-10]

See how very much our heavenly Father loves us, for he allows us to be called his children, and we really are! But the people who belong to this world don’t know God, so they don’t understand that we are his children… …We know what real love is because Christ gave up his life for us. And so we also ought to give up our lives for our Christian brothers and sisters. [1 John 3:1, 16]

Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is born of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God–for God is love. God showed how much he loved us by sending his only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love. It is not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love has been brought to full expression through us. And God has given us his Spirit as proof that we live in him and he in us. Furthermore, we have seen with our own eyes and now testify that the Father sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. All who proclaim that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them, and they live in God. We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in him. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we are like Christ here in this world. Such love has no fear because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of judgment, and this shows that his love has not been perfected in us. We love each other as a result of his loving us first. If someone says, “I love God,” but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we have not seen? And God himself has commanded that we must love not only him but our Christian brothers and sisters, too. [1 John 4:7-21]

God, I need your help to love as you do. I want to love as you do and I fully want to know your love. Help me to be like Christ in this world, loving all, unconditionally. I ask in Jesus’ name. Amen.