May 2003 – Page 2 – No Small Talk

So, you want to know what’s been on my heart lately? Well as some of you may have noticed, I’ve been counting the days I’ve stayed pure, and it’s been really great, and incase your wondering I’ve happily cleared day nine. Although I have been struggling with images in my mind, I wish I could just delete the crap I’ve put in my head, but I realize its going to get into my head if I try or not; but the more I cut off the better, and less stuff to create things images in my head.

Now, for the hard part, since I believe if someone professes their sins, they can be rid of that sin, I will explain a little more about this problem of mine. I struggle with homosexuality (it took me 10 min to type that). I am 100% convinced it is a sin, I am upset with my self every time I have the urge, the desire, or even any thought, because I know it is wrong, I know it does not honor God in anyway, neither does heterosexual lust. All sin is the same, the difference is weather or not you change from your sinful lives, I want more than anything to honor God, and to do this I must change (or repent) of my sins. The Holy Spirit has worked in my life, I can not tell you Homosexuality is not a sin, it is, but it is like any other, if you live in sin, you dishonor God. Any lust outside of your marriage does not honor God; even in your marriage it’s possible to dishonor God. Now I can’t ever imagine being “in love” with another man, that I have never even wanted or desired, I believe because my first sexual encounter was sexual abuse from another male, I for some reason have physical attraction to other males. But that’s all it is; physical, second to God, my next desire is to marry a women of God and have children to raise in his ways. I have no desire to have any kind of relationship, besides friendships, with males. All I want is to rid my self of the sexual, lustful urges I get. So, now that I’ve poured out my heart, let the healing begin. I know God is good, all the time, God is good.

And their prayer offered in faith will heal the sick, and the Lord will make them well. And anyone who has committed sins will be forgiven.

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and wonderful results. Elijah was as human as we are, and yet when he prayed earnestly that no rain would fall, none fell for the next three and a half years!

[James 5:15-17]

If we say we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and refusing to accept the truth. But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong. If we claim we have not sinned, we are calling God a liar and showing that his word has no place in our hearts.

[1 John 1:8-10]

-= prayers =-

-= praises =-

Yeah baby day eight!

Well maybe that has something to do with the fact I’ve been too busy to even breathe at some points, and I’ve been dogged down with this nasty cold, but that’s okay? just 82 days to go until, according to the experts, I’ll have formed a habit.

One day as the crowds were gathering, Jesus went up the mountainside with his disciples and sat down to teach them.

This is what he taught them:

“God blesses those who realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is given to them. God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted. God blesses those who are gentle and lowly, for the whole earth will belong to them. God blesses those who are hungry and thirsty for justice, for they will receive it in full. God blesses those who are merciful, for they will be shown mercy. God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God. God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God. God blesses those who are persecuted because they live for God, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.

“God blesses you when you are mocked and persecuted and lied about because you are my followers. Be happy about it! Be very glad! For a great reward awaits you in heaven. And remember, the ancient prophets were persecuted, too.

[Mathew 5:1-12]

So, I’ve been thinking a lot about how attitude can affect just about everything. The other night I was in a meeting, and I just had no motivation to do anything, homework, help plan, eat, sleep, be nice, I was just exhausted. So, I prayed for my attitude to change, I prayed that the Holy Spirit just remind me of the amazing things God does for me. I need to sacrifice my self, because this is an unjust world, but God is not, God is Just, and his kingdom will reign forever.

-= prayers =-

-= praises=-

Sorry, i’ve been a little busy since I got back from the weekend fun. I have a lot to say, so hopefully tomorrow (actually today…) i’ll update. I hope everything is good.

“So I tell you, don’t worry about everyday life–whether you have enough food, drink, and clothes. Doesn’t life consist of more than food and clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t need to plant or harvest or put food in barns because your heavenly Father feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than they are. Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Of course not.

“And why worry about your clothes? Look at the lilies and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won’t he more surely care for you? You have so little faith!

“So don’t worry about having enough food or drink or clothing. Why be like the pagans who are so deeply concerned about these things? Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and he will give you all you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern.

“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

[Mathew 6:25-34]

How does one stay motivated? I find it really hard sometimes to be motivated to do anything, especially recently with this Poland trip coming up, I just feel like I’m “killing time”. I’m not sure if I will really feel like I’m moving until I’m leaving on that jet plane. I know I need to get motivated soon though, because I have a lot to take care of before I leave. I think my problem right now is that I’m looking too closely at the future instead of right now. Right now I need to print up support letters, and thank you letters, I need to investigate health insurance while I’m in Poland, I need to email the missionaries there with an update on my finances and ask a few questions, I need to talk to people at my church, I’ve got a lot to do. But I also have school, campus crusade, looking for a new roommate, and work to worry about in the mean time, that, you would think, would keep me motivated, but it doesn’t. I’m a fairly independent person so I think that I can do it without much help from others, which in reality is not true at all. I guess I really need to focus on my patience, I need some big time.

On another topic?

How do you become comfortable around people who, for some un-apparent reason, you just feel awkward talking to? I sometimes have a hard time feeling comfortable around other people who are physically taller and bigger than myself? I don’t show it, but I never feel like I’m talking normal to them, like I need to somehow prove my self. Now of course I’m referring to actual people in my life, but names wouldn’t do anything, so I’m leaving them out. I guess some people just make me feel like they are watching every move I make, every step I take, and criticizing it, I usually don’t have any problem with this, except that in this case I don’t know what they are thinking? The great thing is, these people are offering all kinds of help to me, so that’s great, I just need to realize that I do need help, and I can use it. Be thankful Travis, be grateful!

By the way it is day 3 of not falling, this is a winning streak for me as of lately!

PS. I will be camping this weekend, so I probably won’t be bloggin until Sunday afternoon or evening. Have a great weekend!

When I’m alone I fall. When I’m alone I fail. When I’m alone I grow weak. What am I talking about? Sin, I fall in the temptation of sin when I?m alone, it’s been maybe a day or two since I’ve actually committed the sin, which for the past few weeks is good. I don’t know what it is about sexual sin, which makes it seem so much worse than any other sin, because I know it is not. But I guess for me it’s been one of the hardest to conquer, or attempt to conquer. I’m sure my past has caused me to be more susceptible to falling, but I know that I have my own responsibility for taking care of it. I must keep on asking for forgiveness, attempting to change (repent), and pray for God to lead me from the temptation when it occurs.

I’m actually typing this blog entry as a way to stay away from that which tempts me to fall into this sin. I have worship music playing, and my bible near by. I really need to spend a lot more time in the word; I spend very little of my day in his word. I know I need to know who God is more; I want to know God more. I have come to this point in my walk that unless I take reading his word seriously I’m just going to stagnate.

I’ve realized that some people see me as some kind of super Christian? that is almost an insult, I know it’s not meant that way, but I try so hard to make people realize I’m human, I fall, I make mistakes, I’m not perfect? Christians are not perfect, we can never be perfect, we can only strive to follow Christ, and following Christ means giving up things, sacrificing our will, our plans for his. I know I have a strong way of letting someone know when I don’t approve of something, but this is because I love you, not because I want you to feel condemned. I have a strong sense of discernment, I can feel right and wrong, but I can’t always explain it, I’m working on this, keep it in prayer. His plans and will for our lives are so much more rewarding, it is amazing, and maybe it’s the reason some see me as a “super Christian”, thanks but, no thanks.

Since i’m sort of on the subject of lust, sexual sin, and the such… here is what people on “one word” wrote about the word “lust”.

[Galatians 5:5-6]

But we who live by the Spirit eagerly wait to receive everything promised to us who are right with God through faith. For when we place our faith in Christ Jesus, it makes no difference to God whether we are circumcised or not circumcised. What is important is faith expressing itself in love.

-= Prayer requests =-

Poland Financial support, I’m leaving in four months!

Relationships with my family

PATIENCE

Recognize and destroy temptations in my life

To just be real

When I’m bored, and alone, to seek God not others or things

Be delivered of the things of my past

-= Praises =-

I know God’s (current) plan for me

I?m confident in my self (constant struggle)

ALL of my friends are awesome, with out them I would not be who I am today!

My church family, I love it, I love the people, and I know God is with them

God is awesome

Do you ever have times where the future just seems to be laid ahead of you? Well I know I have never really seen it quite as clearly as I do right now. The thing about this path is that it requires a lot of resources, makes me depend on the outcomes of other people?s paths, and most of all is at least a year and a half out. But I know these things for sure?.

Now of course, depending on what happens with other people the plan can change. But I am confident the overall outcomes will be the same even if the medium in which it is to happen changes. This plans, however it may turn out is going to require a lot of patience on my part, and a lot of sacrifice, but I think I?m prepared.

[Jeremiah 29:11]

11 For I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

What does it mean to be a witness?

Because I could talk about this for days, since it is one of my biggest passions, I’m going to simply list what I think a Christian witness is, should be, is not, and why.

A Christian witness is a follower of Christ; this means?

tries

o Show respect for others, even when they do not deserve the respect

o Attempt to communicate effectively your feelings to others, attempt to not lose your temper

o Live your life in such a way, that people know you have integrity, honor and can give you respect, because you respect them and your God

o In public, if you do something which does not honor God, make an attempt to correct the problem, before those who witnessed you doing that action, saying that word or phrase of dishonor, coin you as a hypocrite along with the rest of Christianity. We are one body, if one part screws up and does not correct the problem, then we all suffer.

o If he/she is caught in a pattern of sin, and another Christian points this out to them (in a loving respectful manner), the person in question will prayerfully change their ways, and possibly seek help

o The actions and words you speak affect people, think about them, how will this action or word(s) affect the people around me?

o Update 5/5/03 Even when you are with your friends, family, at work, continue to show Love, encouragement, with your words and actions.

There are many different situations people can get themselves into trouble, where you might lose your anger, say something mean, do something wrong; but I can guarantee that if you are trying to honor God, and respect all humans around you, you will begin to live a life which honors God, and therefore you will be rewarded, maybe not here on Earth, but for sure with God.

I encourage any Christian to study the Sermon on the Mount (Mathew 5, 6 and 7). These are the words from Christ himself on how to live a life of honor, integrity and respect. They are not easy, you will fail at times, but the heart of the matter is your heart. Where is your heart, with God, with people, or with the world?

[Mathew 5:14-16]

You are the light of the world ? like a city on a mountain, glowing in the night for all to see. Don’t hide your light under a basket! Instead, put it on a stand and let it shine for all. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.

I love my home state.

So I decided to join a few of my friends in a “little” road trip to Kennewick, WA to see Jordan Munoz open for Delirious. Why? Because I love Jordan, and Delirious! So, for those who do not know how far Kennewick is from my home, which is in Woodinville, WA, it is about four hours going 75mph the entire way. We left Bothell (right next door to home) at about 3:30pm, and arrived at the Tri Cities coliseum at 7:30, right as they were introducing Jordan and the band. Jordan rocked the place, and a cool little surprise happened too… The worship pastor from my church played with Jordan and company one of my favorite worship songs, which he wrote, it was AMAZING… ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. People, do you understand what I mean? No I don’t think you do… God’s spirit was so incredibly strong; I felt like God had his arms wrapped right around us.

Delirious was awesome too of course, but that’s a given.

So, we decided to boogie it out of Kennewick, but my great older and wiser friend, Josh, decided to take “another way”… well we took another way… Nearly to Portland, OR! But God’s beauty, wonder, and power was so awesome out in the hills, and mountains of southern Washington. We counted more than 35 elk and deer along the way, at some points we were driving very carefully so as not to hit one of them. The stars were so incredibly bright… as soon as I get the picture I will post them. God was with us the entire night, I kid you not, right as I was praying for his protection so that we wouldn’t run into any of the deer or other woodland creatures, a small herd of deer crossed in front of us, but God totally saved the day. We ended up driving through Mt. Rainier national park, the very majestic mountain I see everyday just hovering it’s beauty over the city of Seattle… We were driving right on top of it (well at least, right around it). God, I love this place! It is so beautiful! God is so good, so good.