Month: June 2004

So, maybe I’ve been a little critical of my surroundings, people back home, life in general. However, I know where I stand and I say those things for a reason. I realize I sound cynical but sometimes I really feel like I am on the front lines, and it’s hard. I know I had many expectations, even some which were too high and because of those I’ve been greatly disappointed. However, I whole-heartedly believe in aiming for the stars and accomplishing something rather than aiming for something I know is possible. Yes this leads to disappointments but it also leads to greater accomplishments. So, I am going to try and see those accomplishments and the positive things.

As for the craziness happening back in Seattle with my stuff, it’s all working out, I knew it would, I just needed to let out a bit of steam. Sometimes we just have to do that, and granted this is a public forum and maybe I didn’t say things very nicely however, everyone back home knows that I am a pretty level headed person. Believe me, I’m not going to go about things backwards and blame it on others, it’s just the frustration of having to deal with things I thought were already taken care of. I want to apologize to those that I may have upset, and I purposely kept most of what I said vague especially when regarding the people involved, don’t assume you know who I am talking about. Some parties involved have been awesome at doing what they said they would do when I left, and for those I give thanks.

I am a huge fan of Monorail. I do not like the fact that Seattle is getting monorail and light rail and how stupid to have two different kinds of technology? Especially when monorail’s ongoing costs are much less, yes it is more expensive to build, but far less to maintain. Just do a search on monorail technology and you’ll see the benefits. Sound transit (Seattle Metro’s transit authority) has not answered the monorail question as it says it has. I would do a lot of linking to all my resources but I’m not feeling well so maybe later, believe me it is there. Here is one article that represents my view precisely.

Yesterday I mentioned that God called me to a place of dependence, and that place is here in Poland. Well, I am learning an awful lot about truly depending on Him for everything. However, there are two things I miss so much and I’m afraid it is an issue of maturity on my part. Last night I found a streamed video of a young adult/singles group in Atlanta called 7:22, I was incredibly blessed by this. It had musical-worship, with songs that I haven’t sung since Seattle. It had a speaker who knew how to talk to my generation, my heart, and most of all I felt the energy of God in that place, although I was watching an event recorded back in May. What does this say about me? Why does corporate musical-worship energize me so much? I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing, but it seems to be one of the few ways that spiritually fills me up.

I absolutely love musical-worship it is in those times that my heart is completely open to God. Music touches my soul as nothing else does, and it is by music that I found God. I know that the only way that I have survived this long without a weekly time of musical-worship is by my MP3 player (which God has used in a number of ways to speak to me). However, it has been a huge drain on me spiritually to not have regular times of pure musical-worship. Maybe I’m not depending on God to fill me spiritually in another way, maybe I’m stuck in only relating in one way. I’ve learned to depend on Him for so many things while here, from money, ministry, being physically alone much more than I am use to, and in relationships. I would have never come if I had not obeyed and depended on God to bring me here.

The time is drawing near for me to leave for home. As I sit here and ponder what it is I have learned the list is not long. I have learned the life of a missionary and it is not easy, it can be a very draining way to live. Being in another culture, away from friends, family, and without a Christian support group is incredibly draining. The enemy has a huge stronghold in many of the areas where missionaries go, that is why they are there and why they need your prayers and support in practical ways too. Yet a missionary’s life is very exciting too, I have seen people come alive and change in the time I have spent here, that is rewarding, that is why there are missionaries. Ultimately of course we would love to see a Polish person take on the ministry, because only he or she will be able to fully reach this culture. Although this time has been far from any kind of vacation or “magical experience” I would never trade it for anything else. The Lord has blessed me immensely and I believe the blessings are still to come for many years. I am only twenty-two, there is still much to be done in my life, and God will use me for much more, now is the time to stand and be counted, not ten years from now.

I will stand up now,
I Will not step down
I will do my best to wear this crown
But I need You as You guide me through today

You wake up out of bed
Walk out of your castle,
and then you lift up your head
When will you wake up and see
it takes more than just you to get through this life. Going around the town,
maybe someone had brought him down
Different maybe, but not the same,
everyone thinks.

I will stand up now,
I Will not step down
I will do my best to wear this crown
But I need You as You guide me through today

He’s going out there now,
and all the things he has found,
everything around is new.
No more holding back as the crowd looks from afar
Everything he has is You.
[Everyday Sunday – Stand Up]

Yes, the body has many different parts, not just one part. If the foot says, “I am not a part of the body because I am not a hand,” that does not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear says, “I am not part of the body because I am only an ear and not an eye,” would that make it any less a part of the body? Suppose the whole body were an eye–then how would you hear? Or if your whole body were just one big ear, how could you smell anything? [1 Corinthians 12:14-17]

These verses follow yesterday’s verses. It shows that all of us have an important role in the whole body. I sometimes get lost in life here and forget where I am, and why I am here. Some think that what I am doing here is the ultimate call of any Christian but sorry to tell you I don’t think so. The ultimate call for any Christian is just obey what The Lord puts in your heart. For me that meant doing what was offered almost two years ago, to go to a place and depend on Him. I don’t think I have fully learned my “dependence” lesson yet but I think I am a lot closer than I was before.

Yes, it would appear that I came to Poland for a selfish reason so I could get something “out of the experience” and that was surely my main reason. However, I think because of the pain that Christ, God himself, endured for each one of us, who are we to choose who is to go? We are the body, we must go, we must do, and we must obey. We love Christ through our obedience and through our obedience he shows His love to us. In addition, he doesn’t only show His love, he pours His love and uses us to show the world his goodness and love. However, it is all our choice, everything we do, He cannot command us, he can only ask us, otherwise His love wouldn’t be love.

While some of my brothers and sisters that I love dearly are making poor decisions, many more are obeying and serving with full hearts. Many more, many of whom I do not personally know, are doing all they can to support the kingdom and that I know they will be blessed for. I have not expressed my thankfulness to any of these people publicly and I am ashamed and embarrassed by this. So, right now, I want to thank each and every person who has prayed for me, supported me, given advice, shown me the truth and guided me in His light. I am forever thankful and I pray for God’s peace in your lives. He has used each of you to further His kingdom in some manner, be it in my personal life or some other way, His kingdom is alive. Maybe those parts that I think are “sick” are just not supported enough. If we are the body…

The human body has many parts, but the many parts make up only one body. So it is with the body of Christ. Some of us are Jews, some are Gentiles, some are slaves, and some are free. But we have all been baptized into Christ’s body by one Spirit, and we have all received the same Spirit. [1 Corinthians 12:12-13]

I’m beginning to wonder if the Body of Christ has a cold or something. It seems (at least in my circle) that people are just falling away, unwilling to help others in the body, and are simply not doing anything to show they are a part of the body of Christ. What’s the deal? Where’s the love we are suppose to be known by? In my opinion the parts of the body are not working together anymore, they are all doing whatever they please. This doesn’t make for an effective body. If we are his feet, his hands, his words, than why are we not walking, touching, telling?

Another weekend spent on job-searching stuff. It is a bit strange getting into this. Before coming to Poland, I had had only one employer my entire working career, and I had that employer for six years. Who at the age of 22 has had any employer for six years? So, this is all new to me, but I’m going into it full swing. Although I can’t actually have a face-to-face interview until the 16th of August I’ll be applying for jobs until I get one set up, I figure if they want someone bad enough they just might wait. And, if I keep on trying it doesn’t hurt, even for the same company. I’ve posted my résumé on monster.com and careerbuilder.com and I have had a few hits on each. As of tonight, I also have my résumé online for the general public to see, so if you know someone in the Seattle area who is recruiting an experienced support engineer just direct them to my résumé. Thanks! Be blessed!

Remember that MXPX song? I think it had far much more effect than I ever gave it credit for. Last September when I left Seattle to come here I left my things in my apartment with some guys I use to hang out with from church (they’re Christian…), that was mistake number one. You see, now that the lease on that apartment is up at the end of June they are freaking out about some things. The first being all the furniture that is mine, most of it is with an old roommate of mine at his apartment (this is fine) but all my bedroom stuff has now ended up in another part of Seattle because that friend moved out last weekend and took my stuff with him. This wouldn’t be a big issue, except that I still have stuff in the apartment which is now going to go to a third place, this is not what I desired nor is it what I want to come home to. I had (or so I thought) explained to each of them what I wanted to be done with all my stuff, however, they are now just seeking the best options for themselves without consideration for my situation. What to do? I don’t know. There also is a problem with the cable bill, which is still in my name (second mistake, but I wanted to keep it so I could transfer it to a new place when I got back, because it is the basis of my email account and web space through Comcast). You see, the cable bill is a month behind, and if I want to transfer it to some place temporarily or suspend it, it is going to be hard to get someone to take the responsibility.

I’ve been calling these guys for about two weeks trying to get something figured out but they don’t want to, it’s always “such and such hasn’t talked to me.” This kind of stuff is driving me crazy, someone had better take responsibility, soon. Not to mention that when I checked the cable bill (I might regret this, but it couldn’t be a secret for too long) online I found some interesting “pay-per-view” items… yes porn. Now what do I do? I don’t know. I need the bill paid before I can do anything with it, I don’t even care if someone takes the responsibility for it, just someone do it. Maybe I have the wrong attitude, but shouldn’t other brothers in Christ help out a brother, especially one living off the support of others? Yes, this is one big rant, and maybe I’ll regret it, but right now, I’m upset.

All I want is for my stuff to preferably be in one place, if not just two; but three, and three that are spread all around the Seattle metro, NO THANKS. I’ll be calling some other, more responsible people to see if I can get them to move my stuff to a storage place or something. It’s a bit hard coordinating it all from here so hopefully someone will take the responsibility. Alexis is being a huge help through all this but has limited time and resources to do much.

So if you could all keep that in prayer that’d be great! In other news… I sent my résumé in for a “Support Engineer” position last night, already got a positive reply for more information, so that would be great to be in prayer too. Thanks for everything, your all great!

I’m trying to walk the straight and narrow, but at times I’m not quite sure where I’m going. I struggle with the fact that God is using me because at times I don’t feel that I am all that he wants me to be and shouldn’t be using me. Each day I have to convince myself that He sees something in me. How could He love a person like me? I know He says He has a plan for me, but some days that plan is out of reach. I’m having a hard enough time telling my friends from enemies. I need His strength, I want his strength. I’ve been a fool for so long, I thought I was so strong. I want to be a child, but those days are gone. I have followed the plans I thought were from you, but all you wanted was for me to be still. Where is the path, I seem to have lost my way.

God be near. Your nearness is my good, be near oh God. I want your fullness and brightness in my life again. I want to trust in grace through faith. Give me a taste. I want to feel your embrace. I need to hear from you. I want to see your light rise on the nations, I want your glory to fill the Earth. You said ask and I’ll give you the nations, Oh Lord that’s the cry of my heart. Fill this Earth, fill these people, be near. How amazing your love, your grace, your mercy, that we may be called yours. How lovely is the sky, the ocean, the Earth, that it is our home and your creation. How wonderful your plans and how wonderful faith is when we trust in you.

I was feeling nostalgic today and so I looked up some of my old posts. I’ve also added to my sidbare a few of them, along with my testimony. I’m surprised at how different they sound from my posts now. Have I really changed that much? Some of them were just corny, but others sounded so much more in love with Christ than recently. I want to feel that again, I want to be in that happy place again. I know we go through different seasons so God can show us our character and hopefully we will improve on it. However, reading some of those entries made me yearn for my friends, for Seattle, and for the simple times.

As we know Jesus better, his divine power gives us everything we need for living a godly life. He has called us to receive his own glory and goodness! And by that same mighty power, he has given us all of his rich and wonderful promises. He has promised that you will escape the decadence all around you caused by evil desires and that you will share in his divine nature. So make every effort to apply the benefits of these promises to your life. Then your faith will produce a life of moral excellence. A life of moral excellence leads to knowing God better. Knowing God leads to self-control. Self-control leads to patient endurance, and patient endurance leads to godliness. Godliness leads to love for other Christians, and finally you will grow to have genuine love for everyone. [2 Peter 1:3-7]

Jesus,

I ask to know your desire, to have that fire again. I ask to have that same intimacy I had with you through people in Seattle to be done here in Zakopane. I want to be intimate with you as I felt I was before, I know I am here not only to serve you but to know you more. Thank you for all you have provided. I give you praise for providing all that we need when we need it and for walking me through these hard times. I thank you for letting them happen now instead of later in life and I ask to receive everything there is from it. In your name, Amen.

I’ve been trying to read My Utmost For His Highest for quite some time now. I don’t read it every day as I would like but for the most part I get to it about three or four times a week. The latest entry for June 8 was “What’s next to do?” speaks directly to the area I have been failing in. John 13:17 is the basis of this entry.

Be determined to know more than others. If you yourself do not cut the lines that tie you to the dock, God will have to use a storm to sever them and to send you out to sea. Put everything in your life afloat upon God, going out to sea on the great swelling tide of His purpose, and your eyes will be opened. If you believe in Jesus, you are not to spend all your time in the calm waters just inside the harbor, full of joy, but always tied to the dock. You have to get out past the harbor into the great depths of God, and begin to know things for yourself-being to have spiritual discernment.

When you know that you should do something and you do it, immediately you know more. Examine where you have become sluggish, where you began losing interest spiritually, and you will find that it goes back to a point where you did not do something you knew you should do. You did not do it because there seemed to be no immediate call to do it. But now you have no insight or discernment, and at a time of crisis you are spiritually distracted instead of spiritually self-controlled. It is a dangerous thing to refuse to continue learning and knowing more.

The counterfeit of obedience is a state of mind in which you create your own opportunities to sacrifice yourself, and your zeal and enthusiasm are mistaken for discernment. It is easier to sacrifice yourself than to fulfill your spiritual destiny, which is stated in Romans 12:1-2. It is much better to fulfill the purpose of God in your life by discerning His will than it is to perform great acts of self-sacrifice. “Be hold, to obey is better than sacrifice. . .” (1 Samuel 15:22). Beware of paying attention or going back to what you once were, when God wants you to be something that you have never been. “If anyone wills to do His will, he shall know . . .”(John 7:17).

All I have to say is that this is exactly where I am at. Praise God for using something to get to me… maybe I do need some more absolute silence as Reid suggested in a post today. This song that I am listening to fits perfectly with this post, Okay God, I get it!