Thoughts – Page 31 – No Small Talk

Receiving when you can’t give.

Recently Alexis and I have been the recipients of so many gifts from people, many different things, from dinners, furniture, and donations for our trips, to full outfits for Emma, wonderfully framed pictures, and freshly grown vegetables from people’s gardens. We are so thankful, and we would love to give back in someway, but in most cases we just are not able – and sometimes it gets hard to receive when you are not able to give back in return. However we are learning that in God’s kingdom there isn’t a balance in this area. We are told to freely give, so we may freely receieve… sometimes I think our culture twists this and makes us think that means we have to be “fair” in our giving and receiving, making sure that we give back to those that give to us. When really, to give freely means giving without expecting anything back, at all. And to freely receieve means exactly that, to receive and not be under pressure to give something in exchange. For if this is what Jesus wanted we would all be dead.

Still though, it is hard to be in a place where it seems so unbalanced, even harder when it is near strangers giving you things. It’s humbling, and it’s kingdom like. We are so thankful to be in a church family that gets this. We do thank God for all of them every day. Our appreciation can only be expressed in words and time spent with you all.

Thank you.

Being misunderstood…

Being misunderstood is one of the most frustrating things for me, especially between people that I sincerely love. Sometimes I feel like a politician, where I have to explain everything, in every way possible so that no one will be offended. Paul said some pretty harsh things, and we today read it knowing his heart, but our culture sure seems to have trouble when another brother or sister tries to express things similarly, all of a sudden we then become someone else, not the person they know in person… I’m not even sure what I’m trying to say here, I guess I’m just venting…

But God just reminded me that it isn’t a reflection on me, it’s simply the filters that each person’s life puts on words. Even when we know a person, and we’ve seen them work in love, our filters can twist words around – the enemy uses our past to mess with our viewpoints. Instead of automatically assuming someone is doing something or saying something in love it comes out instead as religious, legalistic, or any number of other assumptions.

Those that know me personally, know how I am in person, read what I say, as just that, as the Travis you know. I don’t hold anyone to any kind of measure, nor any kind of performance scale – I may be disappointed, I may be trying to express my desire for more, but I completely understand the real life situations of others – which is exactly why we have to be free to express ourselves, even disappointments – otherwise how else can we let true love for each other work if we always have to be concerned that we might offend someone – we gotta be able to speak freely at times, as long as the foundation is in love. Otherwise without love it means nothing and the enemy will steal and destroy.

Voices of the past

I have been reading Don Miller’s “Blue like Jazz” for a week or so now, on my daily 1 hour commute each way. The MAX can be quite the cultural experience, and for the most part I like it. But combine a challenging book such as “Blue like jazz” and you might just end up frustrated. You see, this book gets to the core of what Christianity really is, really “should” be, the spiritual piece, not the standard life-behavior rhetoric we usually hear.

But this triggers voices inside that are at odds with my origins. First of all I’m suddenly convicted of not caring for people when I thought I did – my head does, I know what is right but if I don’t actually do it – then do I really believe it? For example, there was a guy who got on the train at the same place as I, he was quite confused, a little slow, and kept bothering people on how to get to some place he had written on a piece of paper. The whole time I heard God telling me to help him, possibly go with him the whole way to his destination… but the voice of fear said otherwise, and I kept reading the book – which threw me into a tornado of thoughts, and made me realize how much I fear rejection – even though I don’t let it emotionally bother me – but that’s probably because I don’t let it happen anymore.

None the less I am sure God put another person on the train – because moments later another guy got on and sat next to the confused dude, and within minutes he was describing to him in details how the Portland Transit system works, and where to get off to get to his destination (which apparently didn’t make sense, something like take the Yamhill bus to 10, and 10 to Yamhill… ummm). Anyway – this is just a very small example of the thoughts going on from about 6am to 7am and 3:30 to 4:30 these days.

Reflecting

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting, but I’m not quite sure where to begin… my eyes are burning right now, so I think I’ll goto sleep. But I wanted to say something. I miss writing, there is so much to do, both what I want, and what I need to do. To sum life up – it’s been abundant and full – undeniably due to our God.

Parasitical Christianity

A couple weeks ago I was watching a DVR recorded episode of Fringe, a newer sci-fi in its first season on Fox, similar to the X-Files but instead of paranormal kind of investigations, it’s fringe science, the study of bio engineering and things like that. This episode I was watching was about an agent who had a very large parasite (engineered from microscopic size) wrapped around his heart and living off him. The thing that struck out to me about this parasite was that it had “roots” that went up the blood vessels and into the IV drip. Essentially this was slowly dehydrating the host body and slowly killing him (which is where my little analogy breaks down, but you’ll get the point).

I think God would love to have us as parasites, to be fully dependent on him, of which we are. I know that when I try to make it on my own I begin to die – much like a parasite. I find the following definitions of parasite very much the definition I would like to see my life with God be.

1. an organism that lives on or in an organism of another species, known as the host, from the body of which it obtains nutriment.

2. a person who receives support, advantage, or the like, from another or others without giving any useful or proper return, as one who lives on the hospitality of others.

3. (in ancient Greece) a person who received free meals in return for amusing or impudent conversation, flattering remarks, etc.

Greek: parásītos one who eats at another’s table, feeding beside

God is our host – we are invited to eat at his table w/o any return to him. Yet out of this abundance comes a heart of generosity and we are compelled to do the same unto others. So do I live on my own, attempting to live w/o the bloodline I should? Or do I leech myself onto the Host of hosts and the King of kings?

Murmurs

These feelings, these ideas, these urges drive me mad. Someone murmurs to me one picture of life, and another murmur paints a radically different landscape. Both have benefits, both have dire consequences, and inside, my mind fights for both. My soul craves and desires, my spirit longs for life, and my mind is the battlefield.

From time to time these murmurs are blurred voices from the past, pulling on hooks which are buried in scar tissue and that when pulled bring about only a faint pain – a pain that is nondescript and dull, without a specific story, simply a feeling.

When I follow these whispers I always end up in a black void around me, unable to distinguish my mind, from my spirit, to my soul. A void where everything, even the great things in life have faint significance and any light that shines has not a place to reflect, it falls flat.

Yet even though this void seems endless, full of pain, gnawing, and miserable endless muted open wounds – a light still pierces the darkness until it is absorbed into my spirit and filled once again. Beginning as a faint and distant pearl of light, it spirals down, glimmering as sunlight on a diamond.

It is this mystery that is the gift, it is this gift that is increasingly more difficult to receive, over and over, and over again. Yet it is this gift, this light, that brings a hope and purpose to this world and a life in the next. For if I ever forget this gift, if I ever stop accepting it then I will have lost the love that is in the light and I will cease to truly live.

Your revolution within me

In the beginning I heard your voice of acceptance and I believed in your grace. On the mountain you poured your love on me and showed me your ways. There were plethora points for your hand to heal. In those first few years you built my faith.

As I went down the mountain I lost sight of your hand. I kept looking and looking and asking why the darts kept flying my way. Why were the images of my past driving my days? Why in spite of my closeness to you I continued to be pulled away. Around each twist and turn I saw the enemy and with each fight I grew weaker and weaker. Where does my faith finally win out over the lies? When will I finally be relieved of the torture?

I stand here and worship you for each day, some full of dark some full of light. I praise you for the light, and I praise you for the dark, for in the dark I meet your grace. You pour out gifts, blessings, and opportunity, in spite of my wickedness and my transgressions.

Only because I choose to believe in your love for me, do you choose to pour out more on me, and I turn it back to praise. Even when I fail to give thank, and fail to honor you, and choose to fall, you still pour out. I do not deserve, I do not even try, all I do is stand in awe. May I always tap into your revolution within me.

Priority creed

Knowing my priorities in life has been the number one prevention of stress in life, that is when I actually stick to my priorities. My number one priority is my relationship with God – this means I make a point to be disciplined in knowing God and letting God know me. The second priority is with my wife – when my relationship with God is right it helps me be the Godly husband that flows out of a right relationship with God. My third priority is to my family as a whole – when Alexis and I are right, our household is right, and together we can minister with compassion, love, and righteousness to others. From there flows everything else, ministry (missions, young adults, small group, etc), friends, work, etc.

Yet what does a priority look like? How do I actually live these out as priorities? The most tangible way for us has been to actually schedule each priority out. I take my relationship with God and put Him on my calendar first – for me that looks like studying His word (so I put it on my calendar to do this each morning), being on a worship team (this is personally my number one way of connecting intimately with God), and making my daily decisions prayerfully. Then the rest of our calendar is filled based on our stated priorities, in order, and one does not supercede the other, nor do other random things that seem to fly at us from all corners.

And in other news this is my 1,001st post since November of 2002 – neat!

Another creed series

From time to time I like to write about my “creeds” or personal beliefs if you will, and over the years these beliefs have changed, not dramatically. I don’t believe they have contradicted themselves, they have simply developed and matured – and probably will continue to do so. Even if they do contradict themselves, I pray that they continue to be based on my relationship with God and in agreement with the greatest commandments – love him with all of me, and love people with all of me.

So over the next few days I hope to take some time to address specific ideas and beliefs – some of which are of the controversial flavor. For now take a look at my past creedal statements.

Trip debrief – finally

So I’m finally able to relax a bit, nothing is planned for tonight and I’ve done enough thinking and processing about our trip that I can finally put most of it into words. In general I feel good about it, we spent significant time with people, creating new relationships, building up our existing ones, and ministering to our closest friends there. Overall this was the most exhausting trip for Alexis and I, due to the fact that on most days we got up at 6am and didn’t get to bed until around 10pm. We were getting up so early because we had about a 45 minute commute (via Bus and Tram) to the language school, which was from 9:30 to 2pm each day. While we were in school the rest of our team tried to meet up with people (not very successfully), prayed for the city and churches, and explored possible future neighborhoods for us.

Speaking of language school, now that we’ve taken nearly a week break, we know we need to get back to studying – and hopefully, God providing, taking private lessons from the director of the Polish school here in Portland. The course was very intensive and at times frustrating, however, I think we learned the concepts and with some review, and diligence on our part, God will help us get the fundamentals in our head.

Over the course of our first week we came up against some not so explainable health issues, on the first day Alexis got sick to her stomach on the tram to school, so much so she felt she was going to faint, instead she threw up. Unfortunately the only thing she had to throw up into was Emma’s blanket, the rest of our fellow tram passengers didn’t offer much help, either because they didn’t know how, or the language barrier froze them, or both. Eitherway I found myself a bit upset that no one offered any help – all I could do was pray, so that’s what I did. By the time we were at the school Alexis felt better – one of the most stressful moments of my life I think!

Then on Tuesday (I think) Charis got sick (our friend who came to help watch Emma while we were in school) and threw up all night long. After some prayer with her home-stay host she was able to sleep in, Aris and Brandon took over Emma duty that day at school and by the afternoon Charis joined us. By then we knew something wasn’t quite right, because there wasn’t really anyway to explain these mysterious sicknesses. The saga continues with me getting a very strange cramping in my stomach all day Thursday, Brandon getting a nasty head-cold also on Thursday, me having cramps again on Saturday, Aris with a migraine, and when Corey and Jenise joined us on Saturday, Corey got pretty sick around their second day as well. Through prayer and endurance we didn’t miss what God called us to do, learn the language and build relationships.

In spite of all the sickness thrown at us, and some communication mishaps, God confirmed over and over and through multiple people that the Polish people, our friends, and those that we hardly know, are encouraged, excited, and ready to have more people in Kraków to work in God’s kingdom. Our commitment to learn the language in advance of our move has spoken volumes to the Poles – and over and over we heard “the single biggest sign that God is calling you here is that he has opened the door for you to learn Polish and you are doing it” – many other missionaries in times past have not taken this important step. Not to compare ourselves, but to contrast the difference in preparation that we feel God is very specifically asking us to do.

Enough of me blabbering – Brandon has some great photos up on facebook, below are the public links (you don’t need Facebook to see them).