Year: 2010

we had a friend over today!

This caught my eye while browsing my blog/news subscriptions today and so I thought I’d share it:

 
emma came to hang out with us all day!  we had so much fun.  the kids didn't know she was coming, so they were surprised when they woke up.
at breakfast, meshach asked what bug she should be. {i call them big bug, doodle bug and lady bug.}  he came up with honey bee and called her that sporadically throughout the day.  :o)

meshach loved to help take care of her and offered his hand to her on our walk.
 
  
  
  
it was such a beautiful day!  after lunch we went back outside to play with chalk.
  

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Cringe

Some thoughts from my Monday morning commute on the TriMet number 9 bus… mobile post, might not make any sense.

Do you have memories of things you’ve done or said that make you cringe? Maybe it’s just me that thinks back on the pas sometimes and wishes I could just erase some of these things. I know that it is these things which make me who I am, so in the end I’m ok with it. Although some of the following memories have some strong emotions of embarrassment, I’m listing them anyway because these are in the past and I need to just lay it down and be who o know I am, whether or not I’m embarrassed. Most of these things are little, but for some reason or another they have or do provoke some feelings that made/make me cringe.

2nd grade – kicking my desk when I got frustrated with math.

2nd grade – lying to a teacher about a jump rope being stolen, getting another (“popular”) classmate in trouble.

5th grade – Not understanding my math homework, and then getting a “white slip”, which was the highest in fraction, for not completing it.

6th grade – Crying after my English teacher mistakenly accused me of lying about finishing a book when indeed I had.

7th grade – being told by one of my best friends “to away, don’t sit here” at lunch on the first day of school and my very emotional response.

In more recent years it’s been a number of speaking opportunities that have haunted me, one was just last spring, mostly because I didn’t receive any productive feedback nor has anyone offered to have me speak again, total insecurity here, I know I need to just askand learn.

I always cringe when I don’t follow up on things I’m leading, I hate it when I fail in my own values, I know I’m just human In a mesed up world.

Love overcomes performance, that’s the bottom line, live it, think it, speak it.

This past week’s summary

  • Relaxing today… and Emma is such a good little girl 🙂 #
  • How am I always on a MAX behind a train with "mechanical" problems, never mine. Sure seems to be happening more often. But I save $$, so 🙂 #
  • On my way to pick Emma up, how shall we spend the evening? Hmmm #
  • Tonight consisted of watching Sleeping Beauty (this is the 2nd time this week now) w/ Emma, followed by snuggling b/c her tooth hurt 🙂 #
  • Beautiful day in Portland! The Northwest is incredible! http://twitpic.com/1118n4 and http://twitpic.com/1118qj #
  • CAN'T WAIT FOR LOST TONIGHT! Am I really that excited??? YES #
  • Peeps in Time Zones east of Pacific, please no LOST spoilers! Can the Internet be quiet? #
  • I blame LOST on my late running morning. And the theory of the domino effect. #
  • Sweet onion teriyaki, random drink, coffee, I think I can complete the day on time and pick up Emma in time too! #
  • Don't let rushing get ya down! #
  • Problem! Need someone(s) to watch Emma tomorrow and Friday! #
  • THANK you Jesus for the @easthillfamily coming through! Emma problem resolved by 3 awesome peeps! #
  • Man, I have sympathy for single parents, always have, but now I have much more! #
  • I hate when good gifts get broken or lost. 🙁 JawBone headset, missing. Amazon Kindle broken. At least the Kindle is under warranty! #
  • Can't believe we've been back for a week now! So much to do!! And so much to share! #
  • Really missing Alexis right now. #

Lying to yourself

I have a lot of principles, values, and priorities that I like to tell myself I live by.  Things like honesty, loving others, being a good listener, integrity, authenticity, etc.  Many of which are of course motivated by my relationship with God.  However, I can say and proclaim as many of these things as I want until I’m blue in the face… none of it matters.  None of it matters unless I’m actually doing these things, being true to them.. Now this sounds pretty harsh, even borderline religious or legalistic.

I don’t like lying to myself, I don’t like saying I am one thing, when really I am not.  I’ll go as far as to say, if you call yourself a Christian, if you have a relationship with Jesus, and you’re not living out your values… then you’re probably experiencing some fairly stressful feelings and situations.  I say this because every time I do something against what I value, I feel it, I feel the stress of being at odds with myself (normally by being grumpy, rude, mean to my wife).  So, this is why I actually schedule my values into my calendar, so that I can live out my priorities, and nurture my values.  In this structure I experience life, fellowship, friendship, love, knowledge, family, and all within balance.  It’s freedom, even though at first it’s discipline, but discipline leads to freedom, trust me, I’ve lived it.  Don’t lie to yourself.

Just do it

Nike got it right with “just do it” – I think the most effective way of learning (once given some proper guidance and with good caring mentorship) is to “just do it”.  With the proper support, love, care, it’s okay to just do it – without fear of devastating failure, why not?  I also believe (and from my own experience) just doing it/something is one of the best ways to re-train our minds (what Paul in the book of Romans refers to as “the renewing of the mind”).

I really can not recall a time where I “just did it” and regretted the learning outcome, I honestly can’t.  Each time I have been rewarded with the fantastic feeling of overcoming fears, more confidence, and just good warm fuzzies.  Of course having a good coach and cheerleader behind you is key to the success of “just do it”.  Sometimes (just ask Alexis) I find myself saying JUST DO IT without the encouragement and support that I have been given…. um don’t do that to others, and don’t let yourself be in that place… it’s not fun, for either party.

Always more

I was just listening to “stop and stare” by OneRepublic, it’s the first time I’ve really listened to it closely. The line that catches my attention is “You start to wonder why you’re here not there”. My interpretation of this is similar to what I was thinking about earlier.

A lot of time, at least for me, is thinking about how I want to be “there” weather that’s about how people perceive me, how I’m performing, or even as vain as how I look, there’s always more… Sometimes I need to just stop and stare, realize what I’ve got is incredible blessings, promises, opportunities, and love around just about every corner!

Being comfortable in my own skin

One would hope that after being on this planet for nearly 30 years I would be comfortable being myself… but for whatever reasons stupid insecurities still creep up, and it drives me fricken crazy.  It’s always silly stuff too, but I realize it’s always the things that haunted me as a grade schooler as well… the same feelings.  So, I can either just accept this, as part of who I am and really just be okay with it, or I can continue to be distracted and held back by it.

I want to just be ok, but it’s a matter of retraining my head to match my heart, and both of them to match reality/truth – no one really cares about the things that I feel embarrassed/insecure about.  It’s ok!  The thoughts in my head are always whispering about what people think of me… and I’m here to say the truth – people like me!  It’s been hard enough to get where I am, I don’t need to keep on “working” at it.  This is one thing that I think I’m okay with saying “I’ve arrived” – now get off the plane and see reality for what it’s always been.

A new name?

After yesterday’s little post about small talk, I think I might change the name of this blog… while “Living as a foreigner” has obvious meaning… well obvious to the Bible peeps… it doesn’t really reflect what I want this blog to be about.  Looking at some of my first years I noticed this blog was about me… what a concept… a “Web Log” about the author!  Somewhere along the lines I got distracted, sorry.

So, I’m trying to decide between the original name “Food for fish” (when I used Blogger “fishfood.blogspot.com” was taken, so I took “foodforfish.blogspot.com”) – but I’m kind of leaning towards “I hate small talk… and food for fish” – just thinking.

I hate small talk… and other random things.

This post isn’t prompted by anything, well I guess it kind of is, but nothing specific, and not b/c of any recent conversation.  One of the reasons I have not been posting as often, is the thought that I need to entertain, write something very interesting, or I have such a passionate thing to write but feel like no one really cares… all of this is just my stupid performance complex, and it doesn’t really matter.  I like to write, I like to talk about all kinds of things, but I don’t like small talk.  I don’t like conversations that have sentences ending with “um yeah”, or “anyways”, or “and so, yeah, how about them Mariners?”

Life means a lot to me, yet I don’t really talk about why so much these days… except with the “safe” people at Church, but so many of “them” are to busy doing something to actually go beyond small talk.  So I end up not being satisfied with many of my conversations… but I don’t blame anyone, a little bit of my self, but I know I’m only human so I don’t beat myself up too badly.  Well enough of this small talk, let’s move forward, ok?

This past week’s summary

  • On the train back to Krakòw, had a fantastic time in Wrocław! http://twitpic.com/zp89j #
  • Well, it's currently -5 degrees F (-20 C), thankfully we are warm in our flat, earlier was another story (being outside, not recommended) 🙂 #
  • We're all packed up, taxi will be here at 5am, plane to Warsaw at 6, then layover, and at noon CET we fly back to Chicago, then PDX. #
  • At the Warsaw airport, hope we are not delayed! http://twitpic.com/104mkt #
  • Plane delayed by an hour, hope we can still make our connection in Chicago! #
  • Yahoo! We're boarding! Might make the connection, it's tight though! #
  • Back in the USA, flight was late so we missed our connection, but United Airlines automatically confirmed us on the next flight, go #United! #
  • Next stop PDX. #
  • Feels like the Bahamas in Portland, 8 C/47 F, ride to work on MAX – normal. Laughed at the Old Town stop, Old City of Krakòw born circa 1200 #
  • Jet lag + 10.5 hours at work = cranky zombie #
  • I get all week with just Emma and I… looking forward to it, and keeping a good attitude! #
  • I'm worthless trying to make food on my own… at least I fed Emma! I have my lunch planned and dinner too! Yes I'm a big boy now! #