About me – Page 3 – No Small Talk

Barfing and quirks

My buddy Marcus (the one actually attempting to dance) posted a couple of blog entries recently which got me thinking. I don’t have a lot of time at the moment to expand on my thoughts, but two quick responses…

When it comes to “are you a barfbag friend?” there are definite seasons in which I feel like I’m on either side of that equation. The beauty of being in a (caring) Church family is that, no matter the season you are in, people will be there to simply listen (not giving advice, or suggesting action plans and lists) to what’s going on. They’ll (hopefully) consider how they can help rather telling you “what you should do is…”.

The balance in this though is, how far do you go before gracefully and lovingly telling a friend, “hey I think you need to do something about…”, and for the most part I think we (we being the Church, weather it’s a culture issue or not) are afraid of confrontation, thinking that we “can’t tell someone what to do” – however I challenge that mindset, we should be able to tell someone what we think they can do, but it is all about tact, grace, and options – not “you should do this…” Of course this needs to be done tenderly, preferably out of relationship, yet I do believe there are times, where as brothers and sisters in Christ – we just need to speak loving truth, even if it won’t be well received – otherwise we may find ourselves with a brother/sister who ends up with deeper consequences because no one loved them enough to give them another perspective.

As for Marcus’ “20 of my quirks” post, man, do I have a lot of quirks (just look at me in that picture), many of which are directly tied to my own insecurities… Since I’ve run out of time for this post, I’ll have to do a whole entry on this – I have a lot of history on this blog, I think I’ll find plenty of quirky things to look at over history (or just randomly click on the archives tab on the right).

Good work ethics are demotivating

Picture was taken at the central Library MAX stop downtown Portland waiting for the train home. Mobile post ahead, spelling and typo errors ahead…

I work with a lot of people, both in ministry and in my vocation. A lot of these people are fantastic hard working people, and…. well a lot are just not. Now when I say hard working I’m not talking about the work-aholics, that’s a different breed. I’m talking about people who have good work ethics, people who take on what is theirs, don’t blame shift, and look for solutions. When people opperate like this then I’m glad to work along side them, past mistakes, and help accomplish the bigger goal.

When I’m working with the type of person who is constantly blame shifting, covering up mistakes, and not looking for solutions then I begin to get frustrated. This is always a hard line to walk, because ultimately I need to walk the high road and love the person through the conflict without enabling them to live/work on in dysfunction. The issue and temptation I run into is paitience within myself to work with God and find the teachable moments.

Whether Christian or not, people are in one of these two categories, to varrying degrees of course. Living in harmony as Paul instructed the Romans is key to my walk with Jesus, so a value I live out is having a strong work ethic, working alongside others who don’t share that is frustrating, but not a license to micro manage, freak out, or ignore the issues. Nor is it the time to become demotivated and give up on humanity, it’s exactly the opposite, it’s time to act and be who I’m called to be and work in my skills and gifts.

A little bit of throw up

Man I’m tired of filtering what I write (actually, most of the time it’s filtered completely out before I even write, hence the sound of crickets around here). There’s been a lot going on in my life, all of it is “good” – but that’s a very relative term. My “good” stuff has mostly smelled like vomit though. Now, I’m sure you’re trying to figure out how good stuff can smell like vomit, trust me, when you walk with God, sometimes good smells like vomit. You see, it’s taken a lot of bad smelly stuff to realize that I need to work on some (more) things in my life. I like being stretched, but man, recently this stretching has taken me to a new level of trusting in God. Okay, so I’ve said a lot without really saying anything.

So the stink that I keep referring to are things where God has shown me where I fail to walk in the person he created me to be. Places where I still shy away from being the real man of God I need to be. None of these things are a “should be” they are a “called to be”. What I mean by all of this; is that when I choose to walk in the picture that God has called me to be, then the stink is much more mild. But when I just walk around, operating in reaction to people and circumstances, then my stomach starts to get upset and vomit starts spewing onto those around me. Envisioning myself as the called child of God takes burning the stink out, making mistakes, but most of all love. Walking in God’s love, with each decision produces a life of hope and makes each day something to enjoy.

I want to write more, I miss it, but for some reason I feel like I need to filter my thoughts. Here’s to hoping that goes away…

Filtering life

A mobile post from the ride home, enjoy.

There is really only so much we can do in life, so making “life worth it” can seem overwhelming and unobtainable. There are a lot of different approaches, and to varying degrees I’ve watched many ways fail to bring about the “worth” people talk about. I’ve been a swinger (no not that kind) just rolling around from one thing to the next, unsure why I’m doing what I’m doing.

Now it’s different, there’s meaning, and sometimes that very meaning is what helps me realize – I never had any worth. At least I never had a need to seek worth, because I’ve always had access to it. Simply through God’s grace and sacrifice, which compels me to recognize my faults, and live for him.

So now I live life through that filter, a redeemed man of God who needs not seek worth, but live in God’s worth! I live my life filtered by God’s priorities, his grace, and love.

The hardships of this life are enormous, many of which I have been through and often felt angered at God for one selfish reason or another. From sexual abuse, family crisis, deaths, relational crisis, depression, and just about everything else you can imagine in the lives of those around me. It isn’t because God has protected me, nor is it some super power, nor is it because I’m smarter than the next person. The victory I have experienced is all due to the fact that I and we have made it a priority to put God first, every yes or no we say is because we have filtered it against our walk with God.

Of course we fail in this at times, of corse we get overwhelmed and make mistakes. Yet overall because of te intentional decisions to fiter our decisions to God we have been spared the worst of the consequences, consequences I know would be devastating.

Cringe

Some thoughts from my Monday morning commute on the TriMet number 9 bus… mobile post, might not make any sense.

Do you have memories of things you’ve done or said that make you cringe? Maybe it’s just me that thinks back on the pas sometimes and wishes I could just erase some of these things. I know that it is these things which make me who I am, so in the end I’m ok with it. Although some of the following memories have some strong emotions of embarrassment, I’m listing them anyway because these are in the past and I need to just lay it down and be who o know I am, whether or not I’m embarrassed. Most of these things are little, but for some reason or another they have or do provoke some feelings that made/make me cringe.

2nd grade – kicking my desk when I got frustrated with math.

2nd grade – lying to a teacher about a jump rope being stolen, getting another (“popular”) classmate in trouble.

5th grade – Not understanding my math homework, and then getting a “white slip”, which was the highest in fraction, for not completing it.

6th grade – Crying after my English teacher mistakenly accused me of lying about finishing a book when indeed I had.

7th grade – being told by one of my best friends “to away, don’t sit here” at lunch on the first day of school and my very emotional response.

In more recent years it’s been a number of speaking opportunities that have haunted me, one was just last spring, mostly because I didn’t receive any productive feedback nor has anyone offered to have me speak again, total insecurity here, I know I need to just askand learn.

I always cringe when I don’t follow up on things I’m leading, I hate it when I fail in my own values, I know I’m just human In a mesed up world.

Love overcomes performance, that’s the bottom line, live it, think it, speak it.

Lying to yourself

I have a lot of principles, values, and priorities that I like to tell myself I live by. Things like honesty, loving others, being a good listener, integrity, authenticity, etc. Many of which are of course motivated by my relationship with God. However, I can say and proclaim as many of these things as I want until I’m blue in the face… none of it matters. None of it matters unless I’m actually doing these things, being true to them.. Now this sounds pretty harsh, even borderline religious or legalistic.

I don’t like lying to myself, I don’t like saying I am one thing, when really I am not. I’ll go as far as to say, if you call yourself a Christian, if you have a relationship with Jesus, and you’re not living out your values… then you’re probably experiencing some fairly stressful feelings and situations. I say this because every time I do something against what I value, I feel it, I feel the stress of being at odds with myself (normally by being grumpy, rude, mean to my wife). So, this is why I actually schedule my values into my calendar, so that I can live out my priorities, and nurture my values. In this structure I experience life, fellowship, friendship, love, knowledge, family, and all within balance. It’s freedom, even though at first it’s discipline, but discipline leads to freedom, trust me, I’ve lived it. Don’t lie to yourself.

Always more

I was just listening to “stop and stare” by OneRepublic, it’s the first time I’ve really listened to it closely. The line that catches my attention is “You start to wonder why you’re here not there”. My interpretation of this is similar to what I was thinking about earlier.

A lot of time, at least for me, is thinking about how I want to be “there” weather that’s about how people perceive me, how I’m performing, or even as vain as how I look, there’s always more… Sometimes I need to just stop and stare, realize what I’ve got is incredible blessings, promises, opportunities, and love around just about every corner!

Being comfortable in my own skin

One would hope that after being on this planet for nearly 30 years I would be comfortable being myself… but for whatever reasons stupid insecurities still creep up, and it drives me fricken crazy. It’s always silly stuff too, but I realize it’s always the things that haunted me as a grade schooler as well… the same feelings. So, I can either just accept this, as part of who I am and really just be okay with it, or I can continue to be distracted and held back by it.

I want to just be ok, but it’s a matter of retraining my head to match my heart, and both of them to match reality/truth – no one really cares about the things that I feel embarrassed/insecure about. It’s ok! The thoughts in my head are always whispering about what people think of me… and I’m here to say the truth – people like me! It’s been hard enough to get where I am, I don’t need to keep on “working” at it. This is one thing that I think I’m okay with saying “I’ve arrived” – now get off the plane and see reality for what it’s always been.

Giving a little

I’m being reminded throughout my days that even the small acts of giving are huge for many people. Giving a smile, or holding the door just a moment longer, sticking your hand in a closing (old) elevator door for someone far down the hall, can speak volumes to people. For some reason though my “default” mode of “thinking ahead” often times hinders me from catching these moments to serve and give a piece of who my God. When I am in the right mode though, and I am thinking beyond what I need to do next, it is an amazing thing to watch how listening to God on these things opens doors into the soul of another person. My soul thrives when I give up myself, when I choose to burn a bit of my needs for those of another, my soul thrives to water others.

Life is about God and people, and His love in ourselves and in others is what I want to focus on. Most days though I am simply “in default mode” – my prayer is for “default” (read as doing what I’ve always done and don’t really like to do, but do it anyway) to redefined to reflect a life of giving in the little areas.

My “sex talk” meets Jesus

By the way I’m still following Josh’s series – awesome stuff still going on over there… Visit the latest entry.

After endearing years of sexual confusion, and misidentification, God would use one of the few heterosexual attractions in my life to lead me to Him. This young lady that I had a crush on, had an encounter with God in 1998, and all throughout my Junior year in high school I would be invited to Church – never taking the invitation seriously. However, in spring of 1999 I decided to attend a service, only to find out that she had a boyfriend…

The message that day was about grace – and that we were free to receive it at anytime… it hit a spot inside me, I wasn’t sure why, but it did. I imagine that the years of confusion, the struggles with my sexuality, and the deepest parts of me wanted to be free of the things that I knew deep down were not right. Later that year, in the summer, I would be caught up in God’s full grace and have a heart knowledge awareness of it – during the song “Step by step” I could not stop myself from agreeing with the lyrics – I decided that day to let him lead my way – although I had no idea what that would mean.

Did I stop feeling homosexual desires? – No. Did I stop masturbating? – No. Did I understand His grace – No… do I understand it today? – Nope.

What I experienced that day though was the mystery of God – that his grace is unending, that even when I make the conscience decision to disobey, to walkout a fantasy, His grace takes me to a new level of love that only God himself provides. In these past ten years, I have received grace beyond any understanding. Each time I fall, I fall harder into His love, and deeper into Him.

My sexuality is deeply connected to who God is to me, it is the core of where he dwells for me, and it is out of this wound, this past, which much of who I am today comes from. He has redeemed it, to be the instrument in which He uses me to speak from, to live from, and yet it is still the thorn in my side. The marriage bed has been incredibly healing and incredibly frustrating – that’s my next installment.