Category: About me

Sexaholism…Another one from the tracks

Some more thoughts from my commute home, I’ll fix up the post from a computer later.

Ever since the tent incident, I have struggled with the desire for sexual pleasure outside of marriage. Learning about this kind of “on-demand” pleasure set me up for much confusion, some of which continues to this day. For me the pleasure was escape, escape from the constant voice that said I was not important, not cool, and not needed. However, as I turned to masturbation and lived from fantasy to fantasy I just could not get the same level of pleasure.

I began using the Internet for playing out all kinds of fantasies. The “friend” from the tent also would use fantasy ideas on me, and I would unwillingly allow it to happen. Overtime I found myself hating and desiring all of it. I questioned my sexual orientation for years, with my heart desiring women and my flesh desiring the fantasies.

From 12 years old to 20, I never told a single soul of my struggles nor of the events that took place. I felt trapped. Around the age of 15, the “friend” finally disappeared from my life and I thank God that I never actually tried to live out any of the fantasies or pursue anything with anyone else.

So how would I get to the place that I am today? It all started 10 years ago… but I’ll have to write that tomorrow – Next stop: Gresham City Hall, one more stop to go.

In the beginning -there was sex and more

So I was debating on writing today, but seeing as I am on the Max that had a 10 min delay due to mechanical issues on the train ahead of us – I’ll write something. I am writing this from my phone and so expect some grammar and spelling issues.

Following up on yesterday’s post, I want to go deeper into the “why” behind my first feelings. Why did I feel shame and guilt at this first sexual experience? Why would that happen?

I have often thought about this because I did not grow up in a strict Christian household. Nonetheless, sex simply wasn’t talked about and most of what I had learned up to that point was all scholastic, simply informational “sex education” as the State of Washington had required. Some of my feelings I believe were culturally ingrained, small town, some of it just ignorance, and the rest natural.

Even before I had any kind of tangible relationship with God, I had an awareness of Him. I remember that first sexual encounter as feeling overall wrong. I believe it was God’s small voice and the fact that it didn’t feel natural, but/and all at the same time it was very natural. So why all this confusion? Because the pleasure was natural and good, but the relationship was wrong. God made me, and all of us, so much more than just someone’s personal pleasure-servant.

Because deep down I wanted to be accepted by my peers, my “friends”, I would do whatever for this. I would lie just to save face, and I would do things, and participate in things that I perceived as a way to gain acceptance.  The events that took place in that tent were only the beginning of nearly 5 years of sexual encounters with the same friend. I never felt right about it, but always desired it. I hated it and wanted it. This “friend” would constantly ask me to do new things, always for him, and always denying me outside of the events.

Then one day, about 4 and a half years into this, it happened – he completely rejected me calling me gay, unwanted, and threatening to use it as blackmail if I ever said anything. But then a month later he “invited” me to a lakefront cabin.

Adam and Eve had sex, fully aware of God’s presence… This is the significant difference that I am now rebuilding into my sexuality. It has taken over a decade of processing to even begin to feel sexually at peace.

Where to begin with sex

I have been following Josh’s blog series on Sex and have fully enjoyed every word written.  When it comes to the ideas revolving around human sexuality I have so many places I could go with it.  As many things in my life these days it is hard to know where to start, as nothing anymore is black and white.  So, I decided to start with the most logical beginning I could think of – a chorographical story of my sex life.  I’ll spring into different sub-topics as we walk along the path.

The following is simply my own personal observations, experiences, and feelings at the time of the said events.  Some of the events may be described in details that some may find offensive, I include them so the depth of reality can be reached.  Because sexuality can have so many connotations, both inside and outside the American Christian culture I simply ask just one thing of my readers, don’t add nor subtract from my words.  If something doesn’t make sense or you want clarification – all you need to do is ask – don’t assume, presume, nor fill in the blanks.  I will be writing in small chunks for the short attention span readers out there.

My first experience with sexuality came around the age of 12, in a tent in the backyard of a friend’s house.  This friend was a couple of years older than I was, I remember him asking me “Do you masturbate”… I think I said yes, only because I had heard of it, but didn’t really know what it was.  He proceeded to undress himself and ask me to give him a “hand job” – which I had no idea what he meant, I think he thought I was afraid or something and so instead, he grabbed my hand, and said “like this” and proceeded to demonstrate what he wanted me to do to him.  I distinctly remember having this feeling of utter, guilt, confusion, fear, and curiosity all at the same time.  After he was satisfied, he then proceeded to “help” me experience my first orgasm by way of a hand job as well.  The whole incident laid the groundwork for my sex life.  At the time, I was not sure why I felt what I felt, there were strong feelings, both good and bad, there was shame, and there was pleasure.

The feelings I associated that day I believe stem from my ignorance at the time (not having sexual advice, ideas, nor values passed down to me) and from my own insecurity as a pre-teen that put all my identity into what other’s thought of me.  More on those last two points later on, for now we can just dwell on this first sexual encounter and mull over those thoughts.

Remembering authenticity

It is easy to get caught up in the ups and downs of life.  Making sure the details are done, that things are communicated, it could go on forever, trying to make all the pieces of life come together.  While getting the pieces in order are important, I hope I never neglect relationships because I’m trying make stuff happen.  There are times where things need to get done, but I have made a promise to God, myself, and others that I will put them first, the feeding of a person’s soul is more important, and always will be, than the finishing of projects.  Projects are measurable, people are priceless.

For me to do any ministry with integrity, I must remain authentic to my heart.  If that means approaching someone in confrontation, or being the one to point out the elephant in the room when it wouldn’t be the popular thing to do – than that’s what it means.  But I do it in grace, and with integrity for others in mind, and above all else… I do it while depending on the Holy Spirit to guide the words, the timing, and the love.  It’s hard, but the more I walk in it, the more I see God’s hand and heart for all of humanity.

Being misunderstood…

Being misunderstood is one of the most frustrating things for me, especially between people that I sincerely love.  Sometimes I feel like a politician, where I have to explain everything, in every way possible so that no one will be offended.  Paul said some pretty harsh things, and we today read it knowing his heart, but our culture sure seems to have trouble when another brother or sister tries to express things similarly, all of a sudden we then become someone else, not the person they know in person… I’m not even sure what I’m trying to say here, I guess I’m just venting…  

But God just reminded me that it isn’t a reflection on me, it’s simply the filters that each person’s life puts on words.  Even when we know a person, and we’ve seen them work in love, our filters can twist words around – the enemy uses our past to mess with our viewpoints.  Instead of automatically assuming someone is doing something or saying something in love it comes out instead as religious, legalistic, or any number of other assumptions.

Those that know me personally, know how I am in person, read what I say, as just that, as the Travis you know.    I don’t hold anyone to any kind of measure, nor any kind of performance scale – I may be disappointed, I may be trying to express my desire for more, but I completely understand the real life situations of others – which is exactly why we have to be free to express ourselves, even disappointments – otherwise how else can we let true love for each other work if we always have to be concerned that we might offend someone – we gotta be able to speak freely at times, as long as the foundation is in love.  Otherwise without love it means nothing and the enemy will steal and destroy.

Voices of the past

I have been reading Don Miller’s “Blue like Jazz” for a week or so now, on my daily 1 hour commute each way.  The MAX can be quite the cultural experience, and for the most part I like it.  But combine a challenging book such as “Blue like jazz” and you might just end up frustrated.  You see, this book gets to the core of what Christianity really is, really “should” be, the spiritual piece, not the standard life-behavior rhetoric we usually hear.

But this triggers voices inside that are at odds with my origins.  First of all I’m suddenly convicted of not caring for people when I thought I did – my head does, I know what is right but if I don’t actually do it – then do I really believe it?  For example, there was a guy who got on the train at the same place as I, he was quite confused, a little slow, and kept bothering people on how to get to some place he had written on a piece of paper.  The whole time I heard God telling me to help him, possibly go with him the whole way to his destination… but the voice of fear said otherwise, and I kept reading the book – which threw me into a tornado of thoughts, and made me realize how much I fear rejection – even though I don’t let it emotionally bother me – but that’s probably because I don’t let it happen anymore.

None the less I am sure God put another person on the train – because moments later another guy got on and sat next to the confused dude, and within minutes he was describing to him in details how the Portland Transit system works, and where to get off to get to his destination (which apparently didn’t make sense, something like take the Yamhill bus to 10, and 10 to Yamhill… ummm).  Anyway – this is just a very small example of the thoughts going on from about 6am to 7am and 3:30 to 4:30 these days.

Reflecting

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting, but I’m not quite sure where to begin… my eyes are burning right now, so I think I’ll goto sleep.  But I wanted to say something.  I miss writing, there is so much to do, both what I want, and what I need to do.  To sum life up – it’s been abundant and full – undeniably due to our God.

Your revolution within me

In the beginning I heard your voice of acceptance and I believed in your grace.  On the mountain you poured your love on me and showed me your ways.  There were plethora points for your hand to heal.  In those first few years you built my faith.

As I went down the mountain I lost sight of your hand.  I kept looking and looking and asking why the darts kept flying my way.  Why were the images of my past driving my days?  Why in spite of my closeness to you I continued to be pulled away.  Around each twist and turn I saw the enemy and with each fight I grew weaker and weaker.  Where does my faith finally win out over the lies?  When will I finally be relieved of the torture?

I stand here and worship you for each day, some full of dark some full of light.  I praise you for the light, and I praise you for the dark, for in the dark I meet your grace.  You pour out gifts, blessings, and opportunity, in spite of my wickedness and my transgressions.

Only because I choose to believe in your love for me, do you choose to pour out more on me, and I turn it back to praise.  Even when I fail to give thank, and fail to honor you, and choose to fall, you still pour out.  I do not deserve, I do not even try, all I do is stand in awe.  May I always tap into your revolution within me.

Priority creed

Knowing my priorities in life has been the number one prevention of stress in life, that is when I actually stick to my priorities.  My number one priority is my relationship with God – this means I make a point to be disciplined in knowing God and letting God know me.  The second priority is with my wife – when my relationship with God is right it helps me be the Godly husband that flows out of a right relationship with God.  My third priority is to my family as a whole – when Alexis and I are right, our household is right, and together we can minister with compassion, love, and righteousness to others.  From there flows everything else, ministry (missions, young adults, small group, etc), friends, work, etc.

Yet what does a priority look like?  How do I actually live these out as priorities?  The most tangible way for us has been to actually schedule each priority out.  I take my relationship with God and put Him on my calendar first – for me that looks like studying His word (so I put it on my calendar to do this each morning), being on a worship team (this is personally my number one way of connecting intimately with God), and making my daily decisions prayerfully.  Then the rest of our calendar is filled based on our stated priorities, in order, and one does not supercede the other, nor do other random things that seem to fly at us from all corners.

And in other news this is my 1,001st post since November of 2002 – neat!