My observations – Page 9

Parasitical Christianity

A couple weeks ago I was watching a DVR recorded episode of Fringe, a newer sci-fi in its first season on Fox, similar to the X-Files but instead of paranormal kind of investigations, it’s fringe science, the study of bio engineering and things like that. This episode I was watching was about an agent who had a very large parasite (engineered from microscopic size) wrapped around his heart and living off him. The thing that struck out to me about this parasite was that it had “roots” that went up the blood vessels and into the IV drip. Essentially this was slowly dehydrating the host body and slowly killing him (which is where my little analogy breaks down, but you’ll get the point).

I think God would love to have us as parasites, to be fully dependent on him, of which we are. I know that when I try to make it on my own I begin to die – much like a parasite. I find the following definitions of parasite very much the definition I would like to see my life with God be.

1. an organism that lives on or in an organism of another species, known as the host, from the body of which it obtains nutriment.

2. a person who receives support, advantage, or the like, from another or others without giving any useful or proper return, as one who lives on the hospitality of others.

3. (in ancient Greece) a person who received free meals in return for amusing or impudent conversation, flattering remarks, etc.

Greek: parásītos one who eats at another’s table, feeding beside

God is our host – we are invited to eat at his table w/o any return to him. Yet out of this abundance comes a heart of generosity and we are compelled to do the same unto others. So do I live on my own, attempting to live w/o the bloodline I should? Or do I leech myself onto the Host of hosts and the King of kings?

Murmurs

These feelings, these ideas, these urges drive me mad. Someone murmurs to me one picture of life, and another murmur paints a radically different landscape. Both have benefits, both have dire consequences, and inside, my mind fights for both. My soul craves and desires, my spirit longs for life, and my mind is the battlefield.

From time to time these murmurs are blurred voices from the past, pulling on hooks which are buried in scar tissue and that when pulled bring about only a faint pain – a pain that is nondescript and dull, without a specific story, simply a feeling.

When I follow these whispers I always end up in a black void around me, unable to distinguish my mind, from my spirit, to my soul. A void where everything, even the great things in life have faint significance and any light that shines has not a place to reflect, it falls flat.

Yet even though this void seems endless, full of pain, gnawing, and miserable endless muted open wounds – a light still pierces the darkness until it is absorbed into my spirit and filled once again. Beginning as a faint and distant pearl of light, it spirals down, glimmering as sunlight on a diamond.

It is this mystery that is the gift, it is this gift that is increasingly more difficult to receive, over and over, and over again. Yet it is this gift, this light, that brings a hope and purpose to this world and a life in the next. For if I ever forget this gift, if I ever stop accepting it then I will have lost the love that is in the light and I will cease to truly live.

Your revolution within me

In the beginning I heard your voice of acceptance and I believed in your grace. On the mountain you poured your love on me and showed me your ways. There were plethora points for your hand to heal. In those first few years you built my faith.

As I went down the mountain I lost sight of your hand. I kept looking and looking and asking why the darts kept flying my way. Why were the images of my past driving my days? Why in spite of my closeness to you I continued to be pulled away. Around each twist and turn I saw the enemy and with each fight I grew weaker and weaker. Where does my faith finally win out over the lies? When will I finally be relieved of the torture?

I stand here and worship you for each day, some full of dark some full of light. I praise you for the light, and I praise you for the dark, for in the dark I meet your grace. You pour out gifts, blessings, and opportunity, in spite of my wickedness and my transgressions.

Only because I choose to believe in your love for me, do you choose to pour out more on me, and I turn it back to praise. Even when I fail to give thank, and fail to honor you, and choose to fall, you still pour out. I do not deserve, I do not even try, all I do is stand in awe. May I always tap into your revolution within me.

Another creed series

From time to time I like to write about my “creeds” or personal beliefs if you will, and over the years these beliefs have changed, not dramatically. I don’t believe they have contradicted themselves, they have simply developed and matured – and probably will continue to do so. Even if they do contradict themselves, I pray that they continue to be based on my relationship with God and in agreement with the greatest commandments – love him with all of me, and love people with all of me.

So over the next few days I hope to take some time to address specific ideas and beliefs – some of which are of the controversial flavor. For now take a look at my past creedal statements.

Trip debrief – finally

So I’m finally able to relax a bit, nothing is planned for tonight and I’ve done enough thinking and processing about our trip that I can finally put most of it into words. In general I feel good about it, we spent significant time with people, creating new relationships, building up our existing ones, and ministering to our closest friends there. Overall this was the most exhausting trip for Alexis and I, due to the fact that on most days we got up at 6am and didn’t get to bed until around 10pm. We were getting up so early because we had about a 45 minute commute (via Bus and Tram) to the language school, which was from 9:30 to 2pm each day. While we were in school the rest of our team tried to meet up with people (not very successfully), prayed for the city and churches, and explored possible future neighborhoods for us.

Speaking of language school, now that we’ve taken nearly a week break, we know we need to get back to studying – and hopefully, God providing, taking private lessons from the director of the Polish school here in Portland. The course was very intensive and at times frustrating, however, I think we learned the concepts and with some review, and diligence on our part, God will help us get the fundamentals in our head.

Over the course of our first week we came up against some not so explainable health issues, on the first day Alexis got sick to her stomach on the tram to school, so much so she felt she was going to faint, instead she threw up. Unfortunately the only thing she had to throw up into was Emma’s blanket, the rest of our fellow tram passengers didn’t offer much help, either because they didn’t know how, or the language barrier froze them, or both. Eitherway I found myself a bit upset that no one offered any help – all I could do was pray, so that’s what I did. By the time we were at the school Alexis felt better – one of the most stressful moments of my life I think!

Then on Tuesday (I think) Charis got sick (our friend who came to help watch Emma while we were in school) and threw up all night long. After some prayer with her home-stay host she was able to sleep in, Aris and Brandon took over Emma duty that day at school and by the afternoon Charis joined us. By then we knew something wasn’t quite right, because there wasn’t really anyway to explain these mysterious sicknesses. The saga continues with me getting a very strange cramping in my stomach all day Thursday, Brandon getting a nasty head-cold also on Thursday, me having cramps again on Saturday, Aris with a migraine, and when Corey and Jenise joined us on Saturday, Corey got pretty sick around their second day as well. Through prayer and endurance we didn’t miss what God called us to do, learn the language and build relationships.

In spite of all the sickness thrown at us, and some communication mishaps, God confirmed over and over and through multiple people that the Polish people, our friends, and those that we hardly know, are encouraged, excited, and ready to have more people in Kraków to work in God’s kingdom. Our commitment to learn the language in advance of our move has spoken volumes to the Poles – and over and over we heard “the single biggest sign that God is calling you here is that he has opened the door for you to learn Polish and you are doing it” – many other missionaries in times past have not taken this important step. Not to compare ourselves, but to contrast the difference in preparation that we feel God is very specifically asking us to do.

Enough of me blabbering – Brandon has some great photos up on facebook, below are the public links (you don’t need Facebook to see them).

Being real

A while back I wrote about how much I loathe the fund raising process, the ups and downs, the stress, and everything else that goes along with something based on faith. Still, I have a philosophy about my Christian walk that I believe is important, and it’s being real. While it may have a whiny tone, it may be jaded at times, I find it freeing to express myself (without slandering, hurting, or otherwise giving bad connotations about others), my doubts, my concerns, my opinions, and in this I find blessing from God. I find that my relationship is something based communication and love, not just “knowledge”, pat answers, and “should haves”.

I believe too that because of this, this creates a relationship with God that I feel is real. I am always aware of his voice, because I’m always telling him things, and hearing back how (at times) rediculous I am in my rantings. Yet, it’s always a fatherly kind of thing (and sometimes motherly, in fact).

So what’s the result of all this? Amazing trust, and a God who never fails to build my faith in Him. Over the past 24 hours we have recieved four donations to our trip (which we leave on Saturday for) totaling, get this, $1,950! I know it’s because I keep putting my faith where it belongs, even though my mind doubts, God knows our weaknesses, and He knows our stregnths, and he works in both! Amen? YES.

Running away… not a choice.

I know we’ve all had those times in ministry, leadership, family, with friends, etc, that we just want to run away from. You know, the relational crap that makes you sick to your stomach? While I don’t have any relationships that are in dire straights, I do have some crucial conversations on my horizon.

What is messing with me the most is that I’m sure I communicated some things one way, very specifically to prevent the mess that has happened, but what the people in question heard was exactly the opposite of what I wanted to communicate. I even clarified the conversations… So this seems like a case of remembering what you want to hear… or something.

So I sit here, unable to sleep, because relationships are the most important things in life, and while no one hates me, I can see where relationship growth has been hindered. It grieves me, and all I want to do is drive far, far, away, not because it would help anything, but maybe my mind would be put at ease… maybe.

What’s in a church?

Firstly, Alexis and I are not looking for a new church. Yet, we do have friends and peers who are not exactly “happy” with our church. So what is it that people look for in a church? In our observation we see that people want their passions to be used, but can a church be all things to all people? Some would say no, and others say churches should be. What’s realistic? To be a jack of all trades, and a master of none? Or shall the Church (the universal group of Jesus-followers) focus on its strengths, and manifest those strengths in the local parts of the greater Church? Some churches focus on outreach, others focus on discipling and equipping, other churches on music, some on prayer?

I think there are some universal things that each church must have, one is a focus on the full-gospel (the heaven AND hell part with the grace AND truth parts), the next is on our relationship with God (in the form of prayer, meditation, and reverence for Him), and our relationship with people (serving each other and loving through ALL things). When each of these things are included, a local church becomes well rounded. Any of these pieces lack, then some isn’t quite right. This isn’t to say that some churches will have stronger outreach, while others have stronger emphasis on discipleship.

In the end, as believers, we all have the responsibility to be a part of what the Church is doing. We shall be known for our love, right? Love is action, and sometimes that’s recognizing that you’re not fully in sync with your surroundings, and that can be your church. So speak up, cast vision, be a part of the solution, don’t leave it to the “powers that be” (who truly do not have power, except when people follow the desires God puts in their hearts).

I hate it.

One thing I have grown to loath is fund raising. While it’s a pretty needed step in everything God has asked us to do, it isn’t easy. The feeling I get with each request is that I feel like a beggar. I hate it. I know that most people don’t see it as begging, but the feeling doesn’t get better when the responses are either negative or nill. We have had our share of negative responses from people who apparently do not know exactly what we are doing, and haven’t read the things we have done over the years. Thankfully these kinds of responses have slowed down, and in fact the past couple of months we haven’t received a single one.

However the lack of giving, and responses is the most de-motivating, and causes us to rethink our strategy, and especially in the hardest moments our calling. We have only had a handful of very large donations from very few people to support us the past five years, this is incredible and God has shown us amazing provision through this. Yet I still want to believe in Acts, where all the believers shared in everything. Not to toot our own horn and yet gracefully show a point – Alexis and I tithe to our home church and give offerings to four different missions projects, and soon a fifth. We hope to always do this and be consistent, in both financial giving, prayers, and talking/encouraging with our friends abroad.

I’m not really sure what this entry is about, I guess it’s venting, I guess I have a small hope that it will motivate more people to give just a little. It’s difficult to not be a bit discouraged, and believe me, Alexis and I know the truth, and plenty of people love to remind us (the pat statements, you know what I mean)… we know God will provide – it’s just the human factor we’re a bit unsure of right now, both in us, and others.

Titles in the Church

Maybe I’m over sensitive, maybe I’m jaded, but one of my biggest pet peeves in the Church is the usage of titles – “Pastor Joe”, “Sr. Pastor Bob”, etc… It bugs me because it is such a cultural thing to “elevate” people. By adding titles to positions in the Church I think we alienate the humanity of the person. Scripture does not have an extensive use of these titles, most of the time the apostles and other New Testament Church folks used them to point out a gift in a person, not the position. Today we seem to use these titles on par with Doctor and President.

Paul did make a point to differentiate the different offices of the Church, and he did call himself Apostle, yet within context it wasn’t as a title. I see Paul’s use as more of a point of the authority Christ gave him, in which some were arguing against at the time.

I do believe it’s important to recognize a gift in a person, and I think it can be done in a less “elevated” way. So when pastoral (and other) callings need to be communicated on paper and in voice, I think something like “Joe – Men’s pastor” suffices. I cringe every time I hear someone call out “Hey Pastor John”… Moreover, when a pastor refers to him/her self, then I really have to control my thoughts and love the Church. I know that when the time comes and I am a pastor, I just want to just be called Travis, people will know without question who I am, not what I am.