My observations – Page 8

Sexaholism…Another one from the tracks

Some more thoughts from my commute home, I’ll fix up the post from a computer later.

Ever since the tent incident, I have struggled with the desire for sexual pleasure outside of marriage. Learning about this kind of “on-demand” pleasure set me up for much confusion, some of which continues to this day. For me the pleasure was escape, escape from the constant voice that said I was not important, not cool, and not needed. However, as I turned to masturbation and lived from fantasy to fantasy I just could not get the same level of pleasure.

I began using the Internet for playing out all kinds of fantasies. The “friend” from the tent also would use fantasy ideas on me, and I would unwillingly allow it to happen. Overtime I found myself hating and desiring all of it. I questioned my sexual orientation for years, with my heart desiring women and my flesh desiring the fantasies.

From 12 years old to 20, I never told a single soul of my struggles nor of the events that took place. I felt trapped. Around the age of 15, the “friend” finally disappeared from my life and I thank God that I never actually tried to live out any of the fantasies or pursue anything with anyone else.

So how would I get to the place that I am today? It all started 10 years ago… but I’ll have to write that tomorrow – Next stop: Gresham City Hall, one more stop to go.

In the beginning -there was sex and more

So I was debating on writing today, but seeing as I am on the Max that had a 10 min delay due to mechanical issues on the train ahead of us – I’ll write something. I am writing this from my phone and so expect some grammar and spelling issues.

Following up on yesterday’s post, I want to go deeper into the “why” behind my first feelings. Why did I feel shame and guilt at this first sexual experience? Why would that happen?

I have often thought about this because I did not grow up in a strict Christian household. Nonetheless, sex simply wasn’t talked about and most of what I had learned up to that point was all scholastic, simply informational “sex education” as the State of Washington had required. Some of my feelings I believe were culturally ingrained, small town, some of it just ignorance, and the rest natural.

Even before I had any kind of tangible relationship with God, I had an awareness of Him. I remember that first sexual encounter as feeling overall wrong. I believe it was God’s small voice and the fact that it didn’t feel natural, but/and all at the same time it was very natural. So why all this confusion? Because the pleasure was natural and good, but the relationship was wrong. God made me, and all of us, so much more than just someone’s personal pleasure-servant.

Because deep down I wanted to be accepted by my peers, my “friends”, I would do whatever for this. I would lie just to save face, and I would do things, and participate in things that I perceived as a way to gain acceptance. The events that took place in that tent were only the beginning of nearly 5 years of sexual encounters with the same friend. I never felt right about it, but always desired it. I hated it and wanted it. This “friend” would constantly ask me to do new things, always for him, and always denying me outside of the events.

Then one day, about 4 and a half years into this, it happened – he completely rejected me calling me gay, unwanted, and threatening to use it as blackmail if I ever said anything. But then a month later he “invited” me to a lakefront cabin.

Adam and Eve had sex, fully aware of God’s presence… This is the significant difference that I am now rebuilding into my sexuality. It has taken over a decade of processing to even begin to feel sexually at peace.

Where to begin with sex

I have been following Josh’s blog series on Sex and have fully enjoyed every word written. When it comes to the ideas revolving around human sexuality I have so many places I could go with it. As many things in my life these days it is hard to know where to start, as nothing anymore is black and white. So, I decided to start with the most logical beginning I could think of – a chorographical story of my sex life. I’ll spring into different sub-topics as we walk along the path.

The following is simply my own personal observations, experiences, and feelings at the time of the said events. Some of the events may be described in details that some may find offensive, I include them so the depth of reality can be reached. Because sexuality can have so many connotations, both inside and outside the American Christian culture I simply ask just one thing of my readers, don’t add nor subtract from my words. If something doesn’t make sense or you want clarification – all you need to do is ask – don’t assume, presume, nor fill in the blanks. I will be writing in small chunks for the short attention span readers out there.

My first experience with sexuality came around the age of 12, in a tent in the backyard of a friend’s house. This friend was a couple of years older than I was, I remember him asking me “Do you masturbate”… I think I said yes, only because I had heard of it, but didn’t really know what it was. He proceeded to undress himself and ask me to give him a “hand job” – which I had no idea what he meant, I think he thought I was afraid or something and so instead, he grabbed my hand, and said “like this” and proceeded to demonstrate what he wanted me to do to him. I distinctly remember having this feeling of utter, guilt, confusion, fear, and curiosity all at the same time. After he was satisfied, he then proceeded to “help” me experience my first orgasm by way of a hand job as well. The whole incident laid the groundwork for my sex life. At the time, I was not sure why I felt what I felt, there were strong feelings, both good and bad, there was shame, and there was pleasure.

The feelings I associated that day I believe stem from my ignorance at the time (not having sexual advice, ideas, nor values passed down to me) and from my own insecurity as a pre-teen that put all my identity into what other’s thought of me. More on those last two points later on, for now we can just dwell on this first sexual encounter and mull over those thoughts.

and His kingdom come…

Just about every day, my thoughts are invaded with the idea of “His will be done and his Kingdom come” and I always start to think what on earth does that look like? I think I get the “His will be done” part – for the most part, listening, and obeying what I hear him ask me to do.

But this “and his Kingdom come…” part is what I get stuck on. Now someone could easily “go logical” on us and say, well if you are letting his will be done (listening and obeying) then his kingdom is advancing… Yes, that makes sense, yet I believe there is a lot more than just a simple cause and effect formula to this kingdom thing.

For me the Kingdom of God here on earth “as it is in heaven” is well beyond my understanding, it’s more emotional, more carnal. The Kingdom is the Church, the people, the relationships, all of which are connected by the ribbon of God flowing through our lives. The Kingdom is here on earth when I stop and take a moment to pray for my friends, when I have coffee with someone, when I text a word of encouragement. These things to me are letting the Kingdom come. Yes those things are also His will living through my life. For the Kingdom to come, his will must be done. For his will to be done, the kingdom must come.

If a day goes by and a relationship isn’t touched, a soul not encouraged, a person’s thoughts not effected, or a prayer not offered up on behalf of another – then I wonder “have I let the Kingdom come today?”

Let his kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven….. as it is in heaven – that’s my next idea to ponder.

Remembering authenticity

It is easy to get caught up in the ups and downs of life. Making sure the details are done, that things are communicated, it could go on forever, trying to make all the pieces of life come together. While getting the pieces in order are important, I hope I never neglect relationships because I’m trying make stuff happen. There are times where things need to get done, but I have made a promise to God, myself, and others that I will put them first, the feeding of a person’s soul is more important, and always will be, than the finishing of projects. Projects are measurable, people are priceless.

For me to do any ministry with integrity, I must remain authentic to my heart. If that means approaching someone in confrontation, or being the one to point out the elephant in the room when it wouldn’t be the popular thing to do – than that’s what it means. But I do it in grace, and with integrity for others in mind, and above all else… I do it while depending on the Holy Spirit to guide the words, the timing, and the love. It’s hard, but the more I walk in it, the more I see God’s hand and heart for all of humanity.

Church is not a feel good place

This is something that I have touched on in the past before. But it seems that I’m seeing, reading, and hearing of people falling into the idea that church should be a “feel good place” – they would never admit to it, they would probably not even be really aware of it. Church should be a place of growth in God, and more times than not it seems God will use other people to cause that growth in us, that can be through a number of different ways. Sometimes it’s simply someone who is very irritating to you, other times it’s a leader who just doesn’t quit say things very nicely. Other times it’s God putting us in leadership and then being burnt by the leadership team.

When we commit to be in leadership, to make a church our home, or anytime we say Yes to something, we must make our yes be yes – even when disagreements, annoyances, and simple fleshly crap comes up. This doesn’t mean we become door mats to the people around us – absolutely not. Our no must be no as well, but we must communicate fully, and if God is giving people different visions, it’s ok – we have free will, exercise it, but do it in grace remember we are all human, even the Church leaders.

Collosians 3:12-15 [nlt]

¹² Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. ¹³ Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. ¹⁴ Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. ¹⁵And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.

GOD IS THE FEEL GOOD PLACE – Not the Church, the Church is simply the medium God uses to bring us to him, and many times it doesn’t feel good, and many times it does. Christ is the head of the Church, not any human – remember that, and we have full access to him. When we love him and truly love others as we do ourselves and him, then we begin to feel Good – even if it tortures us to look at people as God does.

A good kind of daily torture…

I have been doing a lot of reading lately, I’m reading my second Don Miller book – “Searching for God knows what” – and a lot of things on the Internet in the same thread as the social justice movement in and out of the church, and those kinds of things.

So now when I ride the train each day I am moved to look at people the way God does – and it humbles me, and tortures me daily. I’m tortured by the fact that when you think about how God must love the people around you, and you hear, and see how other people treat them, all you can do is begin to imagine how God feels for us. His love is torturing me, everyday. I’m okay with this.

I’ve been praying for God to give me his eyes for those around me, and now I see it everyday – and it’s my heart that sees people more clearly each day. Now I want the words, praying is great, but an encounter with God is better.

Receiving when you can’t give.

Recently Alexis and I have been the recipients of so many gifts from people, many different things, from dinners, furniture, and donations for our trips, to full outfits for Emma, wonderfully framed pictures, and freshly grown vegetables from people’s gardens. We are so thankful, and we would love to give back in someway, but in most cases we just are not able – and sometimes it gets hard to receive when you are not able to give back in return. However we are learning that in God’s kingdom there isn’t a balance in this area. We are told to freely give, so we may freely receieve… sometimes I think our culture twists this and makes us think that means we have to be “fair” in our giving and receiving, making sure that we give back to those that give to us. When really, to give freely means giving without expecting anything back, at all. And to freely receieve means exactly that, to receive and not be under pressure to give something in exchange. For if this is what Jesus wanted we would all be dead.

Still though, it is hard to be in a place where it seems so unbalanced, even harder when it is near strangers giving you things. It’s humbling, and it’s kingdom like. We are so thankful to be in a church family that gets this. We do thank God for all of them every day. Our appreciation can only be expressed in words and time spent with you all.

Thank you.

Being misunderstood…

Being misunderstood is one of the most frustrating things for me, especially between people that I sincerely love. Sometimes I feel like a politician, where I have to explain everything, in every way possible so that no one will be offended. Paul said some pretty harsh things, and we today read it knowing his heart, but our culture sure seems to have trouble when another brother or sister tries to express things similarly, all of a sudden we then become someone else, not the person they know in person… I’m not even sure what I’m trying to say here, I guess I’m just venting…

But God just reminded me that it isn’t a reflection on me, it’s simply the filters that each person’s life puts on words. Even when we know a person, and we’ve seen them work in love, our filters can twist words around – the enemy uses our past to mess with our viewpoints. Instead of automatically assuming someone is doing something or saying something in love it comes out instead as religious, legalistic, or any number of other assumptions.

Those that know me personally, know how I am in person, read what I say, as just that, as the Travis you know. I don’t hold anyone to any kind of measure, nor any kind of performance scale – I may be disappointed, I may be trying to express my desire for more, but I completely understand the real life situations of others – which is exactly why we have to be free to express ourselves, even disappointments – otherwise how else can we let true love for each other work if we always have to be concerned that we might offend someone – we gotta be able to speak freely at times, as long as the foundation is in love. Otherwise without love it means nothing and the enemy will steal and destroy.

Voices of the past

I have been reading Don Miller’s “Blue like Jazz” for a week or so now, on my daily 1 hour commute each way. The MAX can be quite the cultural experience, and for the most part I like it. But combine a challenging book such as “Blue like jazz” and you might just end up frustrated. You see, this book gets to the core of what Christianity really is, really “should” be, the spiritual piece, not the standard life-behavior rhetoric we usually hear.

But this triggers voices inside that are at odds with my origins. First of all I’m suddenly convicted of not caring for people when I thought I did – my head does, I know what is right but if I don’t actually do it – then do I really believe it? For example, there was a guy who got on the train at the same place as I, he was quite confused, a little slow, and kept bothering people on how to get to some place he had written on a piece of paper. The whole time I heard God telling me to help him, possibly go with him the whole way to his destination… but the voice of fear said otherwise, and I kept reading the book – which threw me into a tornado of thoughts, and made me realize how much I fear rejection – even though I don’t let it emotionally bother me – but that’s probably because I don’t let it happen anymore.

None the less I am sure God put another person on the train – because moments later another guy got on and sat next to the confused dude, and within minutes he was describing to him in details how the Portland Transit system works, and where to get off to get to his destination (which apparently didn’t make sense, something like take the Yamhill bus to 10, and 10 to Yamhill… ummm). Anyway – this is just a very small example of the thoughts going on from about 6am to 7am and 3:30 to 4:30 these days.