Life – Page 2 – No Small Talk

Gotta start talking

Yesterday we took two truck loads to the dump, felt really good.!

OK, apologies for the 1000th time for neglecting this blog. I wonder if anyone else actually reads this thing anymore. It’s kind of tricky to write anything on here these days because the things I would like to talk about I can’t, just isn’t the right time.

Our life right now is completely fluid, not many answers to anything, but we’re surrounded by amazing people. A church family that cares, and a God who loves. There is a lot to say, but I’ll leave it for future content. Consider this post as a primer for more. I just wanna start talking more and see where it goes. But I hate small talk.

Good work ethics are demotivating

Picture was taken at the central Library MAX stop downtown Portland waiting for the train home. Mobile post ahead, spelling and typo errors ahead…

I work with a lot of people, both in ministry and in my vocation. A lot of these people are fantastic hard working people, and…. well a lot are just not. Now when I say hard working I’m not talking about the work-aholics, that’s a different breed. I’m talking about people who have good work ethics, people who take on what is theirs, don’t blame shift, and look for solutions. When people opperate like this then I’m glad to work along side them, past mistakes, and help accomplish the bigger goal.

When I’m working with the type of person who is constantly blame shifting, covering up mistakes, and not looking for solutions then I begin to get frustrated. This is always a hard line to walk, because ultimately I need to walk the high road and love the person through the conflict without enabling them to live/work on in dysfunction. The issue and temptation I run into is paitience within myself to work with God and find the teachable moments.

Whether Christian or not, people are in one of these two categories, to varrying degrees of course. Living in harmony as Paul instructed the Romans is key to my walk with Jesus, so a value I live out is having a strong work ethic, working alongside others who don’t share that is frustrating, but not a license to micro manage, freak out, or ignore the issues. Nor is it the time to become demotivated and give up on humanity, it’s exactly the opposite, it’s time to act and be who I’m called to be and work in my skills and gifts.

A little bit of throw up

Man I’m tired of filtering what I write (actually, most of the time it’s filtered completely out before I even write, hence the sound of crickets around here). There’s been a lot going on in my life, all of it is “good” – but that’s a very relative term. My “good” stuff has mostly smelled like vomit though. Now, I’m sure you’re trying to figure out how good stuff can smell like vomit, trust me, when you walk with God, sometimes good smells like vomit. You see, it’s taken a lot of bad smelly stuff to realize that I need to work on some (more) things in my life. I like being stretched, but man, recently this stretching has taken me to a new level of trusting in God. Okay, so I’ve said a lot without really saying anything.

So the stink that I keep referring to are things where God has shown me where I fail to walk in the person he created me to be. Places where I still shy away from being the real man of God I need to be. None of these things are a “should be” they are a “called to be”. What I mean by all of this; is that when I choose to walk in the picture that God has called me to be, then the stink is much more mild. But when I just walk around, operating in reaction to people and circumstances, then my stomach starts to get upset and vomit starts spewing onto those around me. Envisioning myself as the called child of God takes burning the stink out, making mistakes, but most of all love. Walking in God’s love, with each decision produces a life of hope and makes each day something to enjoy.

I want to write more, I miss it, but for some reason I feel like I need to filter my thoughts. Here’s to hoping that goes away…

Filtering life

A mobile post from the ride home, enjoy.

There is really only so much we can do in life, so making “life worth it” can seem overwhelming and unobtainable. There are a lot of different approaches, and to varying degrees I’ve watched many ways fail to bring about the “worth” people talk about. I’ve been a swinger (no not that kind) just rolling around from one thing to the next, unsure why I’m doing what I’m doing.

Now it’s different, there’s meaning, and sometimes that very meaning is what helps me realize – I never had any worth. At least I never had a need to seek worth, because I’ve always had access to it. Simply through God’s grace and sacrifice, which compels me to recognize my faults, and live for him.

So now I live life through that filter, a redeemed man of God who needs not seek worth, but live in God’s worth! I live my life filtered by God’s priorities, his grace, and love.

The hardships of this life are enormous, many of which I have been through and often felt angered at God for one selfish reason or another. From sexual abuse, family crisis, deaths, relational crisis, depression, and just about everything else you can imagine in the lives of those around me. It isn’t because God has protected me, nor is it some super power, nor is it because I’m smarter than the next person. The victory I have experienced is all due to the fact that I and we have made it a priority to put God first, every yes or no we say is because we have filtered it against our walk with God.

Of course we fail in this at times, of corse we get overwhelmed and make mistakes. Yet overall because of te intentional decisions to fiter our decisions to God we have been spared the worst of the consequences, consequences I know would be devastating.

Lunch time thoughts

I can’t wait until certain things are “official” – then I’ll be fairly free to write about all the amazing, cool, great, fantastic things going on… But until then – I’ll just have to wait, and you too. So right now I’ll just post some random thoughts from my quick lunch “break”.

I can’t wait to someday live in the center of a city, I am a urban dweller by heart.
I have a huge travel bug in me right now, although we were just on a trip, I want to take a trip to some far away city somewhere.
Cars are not what people really think they are – you know how much I get done while riding the bus or train – A LOT. Sure, slightly slower at times, and not “always” there – but the potential is there for amazing livability without cars. I know some places “need” cars, maybe we should think about how we live and move around?
When thinking about the Church and ministry, and living a Christian life, I’ve got a lot of thoughts on that… just not sure where to start… maybe I shouldn’t care where I start?
Emma is growing SOOO fast, and I can’t seem to see her enough!
Alexis and I are working on a big idea… can’t wait to reveal it.

Thanks, that’s pretty much it for now – much more after “details” go official.

Just do it

Nike got it right with “just do it” – I think the most effective way of learning (once given some proper guidance and with good caring mentorship) is to “just do it”. With the proper support, love, care, it’s okay to just do it – without fear of devastating failure, why not? I also believe (and from my own experience) just doing it/something is one of the best ways to re-train our minds (what Paul in the book of Romans refers to as “the renewing of the mind”).

I really can not recall a time where I “just did it” and regretted the learning outcome, I honestly can’t. Each time I have been rewarded with the fantastic feeling of overcoming fears, more confidence, and just good warm fuzzies. Of course having a good coach and cheerleader behind you is key to the success of “just do it”. Sometimes (just ask Alexis) I find myself saying JUST DO IT without the encouragement and support that I have been given…. um don’t do that to others, and don’t let yourself be in that place… it’s not fun, for either party.

I hate small talk… and other random things.

This post isn’t prompted by anything, well I guess it kind of is, but nothing specific, and not b/c of any recent conversation. One of the reasons I have not been posting as often, is the thought that I need to entertain, write something very interesting, or I have such a passionate thing to write but feel like no one really cares… all of this is just my stupid performance complex, and it doesn’t really matter. I like to write, I like to talk about all kinds of things, but I don’t like small talk. I don’t like conversations that have sentences ending with “um yeah”, or “anyways”, or “and so, yeah, how about them Mariners?”

Life means a lot to me, yet I don’t really talk about why so much these days… except with the “safe” people at Church, but so many of “them” are to busy doing something to actually go beyond small talk. So I end up not being satisfied with many of my conversations… but I don’t blame anyone, a little bit of my self, but I know I’m only human so I don’t beat myself up too badly. Well enough of this small talk, let’s move forward, ok?

A swarm of thoughts

So much of the time I shy away from writing something on here because I begin to think for people, and most of the time I think they’ll think I’m being too negative, or I think they’ll read it as “complaining”, I just want to let you know (even if you never thought those things) that my heart has never been in those places, although my mood certainly has. I’m in a place in my life where I’m feeling good and content with where God has me, and at the same time, I’m discontent with where I spend most of my days, stuck up in an office.

The funny thing is, I really like my job, but when I start to think about the time it requires I am not too happy with it, as I would much rather be free to meet with friends, have coffee (or beer), love on people, spend time with my bride and daughter, etc. However, I still really like the job, and I love working with the people God has placed around me. It’s kind of a weird paradox, a love/hate kind of issue. So, overall I am content, but there is definitely something inside me that wants more, and I’m trying very hard to hear what God has to say about that.

I know it is through discipline in Christ that I’ll find fulfillment. Today I was reading Proverbs 12, and the first verse captured me – “To learn, you must love discipline; it is stupid to hate correction” – I’ve always been one to accept correction, to seek his discipline…. that is at least what people could see. Now that God has been showing me (through marriage) how much more I need to seek his discipline, I have found myself unusually closed up, unwanting to change.

Thankfully, I think God is turning a key, opening a door, and doing new and greater things in me. I think I’ve began to let him. It’s hard, it burns, but it feels right. As seek his healing in these areas I know his promises will become true, and I’ll be more free.

A world without God.

A world without God is a world that I fear to imagine. Yet many people live in a world without God, they go about day to day, without any more than a fleeting idea of God. So why am I so fearful to imagine a world without God? Because I know God, I live with God around me, in me, and through me. Because even though I fail to obey, and I do things which are contrary to God’s word, I find that the God’s grace is more than just a simple “I forgive you”, it’s a reality in which I know that no matter how I live, my God will be there for me to turn to. Humans can turn God into so much, from a letter of the law judge, to a magic fairy who grants you everything you ever wanted. In my experience God is neither, God is mysterious, yet personal, God is loving, yet just.

If I were to imagine a world without my God, I would see a world full of hurt, evil, injustice, greed, abuse, hunger, confusion, and chaos with no way out. As I make the choice to draw closer to God, I see that the love, justice, freedom, life, authority are not just benefits, but are the way God shows his intense affection for me, for us. Take away those things and it’s one big world, and a huge void. I was in that void once before, I never want to go back. Yet everyday I make choices which are either of the world, or of God. When I follow God’s ways, I am fulfilled, when I choose my own, worldly way, I am sick, troubled, and empty – not because I feel some “religious guilt” but because I know what the feelings of true satisfaction in God are – they are not easily explained in words, and that satisfaction is what I live for. If had to choose one word to try and describe it – it would be peace.

Reaching this peace requires a lot of flesh burning, a lot of humility, and in the end a lot of forgiveness. It’s well worth it, trust me.

Afraid of confrontation?

I do not like confrontation, and even though I have found it to be necessary, and many times the best and most healthy thing to do, I find myself wanting to avoid it at all costs. Sometimes, I still physically have tremors in a confrontational situation. However, after resolving the conflict I am always grateful that I got to the bottom of it and found resolve. I have a fairly strong belief which I live by, and it’s the idea that leaving things unresolved creates holes between people, and causes even the little things to eventually build up into feelings that take a long time to untangle.

In the Church this is even more critical and I believe it is a necessity if we want healthy churches. I could go on and quote a lot of scripture, and I know it’s there but I’m too tired to go look it all up right now, yet these things are more of a learned idea then a studied one. We don’t have much of a choice in the Church to avoid confrontation, we should be living together reconciling differences, and sharpening each other. When we notice something of another person, we should be able to confront them in love. This last sentence though comes with a lot of weight, our culture doesn’t cultivate loving confrontation very well, if at all.

Instead of lovingly correcting, encouraging, or pointing out flaws, our culture likes to put people down, discourage, and give “last chances”. It isn’t that a “last chance” is wrong, or even that it isn’t necessary at times – it’s that within the context of the Church that people get treated like the rest of the world. Jesus didn’t say to give people a last chance (that’s his job), he directed us to do the most we can do here on earth to encourage people towards him.

I could write a whole lot more, and I probably will. My last thought for tonight – without honest, loving, graceful truth-filled confrontation the Church can’t function as a light. We need people to be built up, lovingly guiding, encouraging, and confronting. If people are over promising and under delivering in the Church, that isn’t light producing, and it requires adjustment, and many times it will be you who needs to help adjust another part in the body.